Government to Detain Everyone Called Desmond after Flooding

8th Dec 2015

In the wake of last weekend’s flooding catastrophe the government has announced that everyone called Desmond will be arrested and detained until they figure out who to blame for the impact of the ferocious storm that battered the Rebel county and beyond.

Once again Bandon has suffered extensive damage from flood waters with many businesses hit in the crucial run up to Christmas. A flood plan announced six years ago for the town has still not been given funding despite vociferous warnings from locals that a repeat of previous floods was highly likely.

In a cabinet meeting that ran late into Tuesday night ministers discussed various options for showing the public that they intend to rectify the situation particularly in the wake of the bad publicity surrounding both the floods and the councillors-on-the-take investigation by RTE earlier in the week.

Providing the money to implement flood defences was said to be immediately ruled out due to it being needed in Dublin for something trivial and instead a proposal from the Attorney General to arrest everyone called Desmond is being seen as the best option.

From next weekend anyone with this as their first name, middle name or surname will be asked to turn themselves into Garda stations around the country. Gardaí have been given the task of registering each Des and quizzing them on their whereabouts last weekend during the deluge.

“This will send a message to anyone thinking of creating a storm to think again”, said one minister.

Parents who have given the name to their children will be encouraged to drop them off at their local Garda station (which due to closures of rural stations may be up to thirty miles away) along with a rain coat and umbrella until Gardaí have time to interview to them. Sources at Anglesea Street Garda Station say their walkie talkies will be made available as entertainment for children while they wait.

One Labour minister has privately suggested electronically tagging all those involved and forcing them to remain indoors until at least next spring lest they rain on the minority government’s plans to get back into government.  

There are a number of high profile Desmond’s who have spoken out against the mass detention.  

The MCD concert promoter Denis Desmond, billionaire business man Dermot Desmond and Dublin-based comedian Des Bishop are all said to be outraged at the prospect of being held as part of the investigation.

All too familiar scenes of Corkonians lugging soaking carpets, buckled wooden flooring and drenched stock from shops in Bandon has increased anger in the Rebel county. Almost no premises in the town has been able to secure insurance because of previous floods and the refusal of government to carry out prevention works.

Looking ahead to the run up to Christmas people called Eddie, Eamon and Eimear are all starting to feel nervous as the country awaits the North Atlantic weather system to play its next hand.

A Met Éireann spokesman has categorically ruled out calling the next storm Enda saying “he has unleashed enough damage to the country already”.