Frequently Asked Questions

21st Nov 2003

Frequently Asked Questions
Released by the Assembly of Feens with Integrity and Neatly Aligned Morals


I am obsessed with being from Cork. I wear my GAA jersey to work and in bed, I wear my PRC t-shirt at marriages and funerals. I swim in the 'waters' off Patrick's Quay every day. What should I do.

You are a model citizen. Everyone around you needs to be rallied to do likewise. We suggest you get an application to join your area's branch of People's Republic Of Cork Underground Militia where only the ultra-loyal are granted entry. As well as promotion of Cork culture, language and sport you will perform tasks such as border patrol, territory incursions etc. (Ease off on the swimming for your own sake).


The fact that Cork will look much better than Dublin once the main drainage and renewal works have finished surely means that we have a good case for becoming the 'real' capital.

This is a popular misconception among many Corkonians. Cork City will never and should never be the capital of Ireland. It will be the capital of itself beginning by being the Capital of Culture. The aim must be to put a plan in place for the gradual (or preferably instant) severance between the Irish state and County Cork with the aim of creating a Peoples' Republic where Cork people can finally govern themselves.


When the GAA championship starts what should a Cork Citizen do?

You should immediately set about seeking a ticket for the All-Ireland final as this is the most exciting time to see Cork play. Stock up on annoying horns, erect several 12x12 red and white chequered flags outside your gaf and paint children's faces red and white. Despite protests from teachers and social workers do not allow them to remove until the final has been. If you are in exile and watch the games in a bar you must ensure all your fellow patrons know the De Banks. Buying them plenty of gat will ensure this.

Despite advice Cork feens do marry Kerry women

I met a beor from up the country a few years back and we get along well. I'm thinking of asking her to marry me. Is it wrong to marry a non-Corkonian?

You can obtain temporary citizenship from the People's Republic of Cork for your old doll if she takes a conversion and civilisation course in Cork culture. If you want your children to grow up spiritually empty then shame on you: it is wrong to bring your children up in the light of a stronger external influence than that of Cork. Every bedtime story you tell your kids should consist of highlights and short summaries of a passage of play from great Cork All-Ireland wins (physical re-enactments included). Regardless of what country or county you and your wife decide to raise your children they should speak with a strong Cork accent at all times.




I'm good friends with a good friend of DJ Carey. What use could this be?

Fantastic. Besides the digital videos of the Kilkenny training sessions you must e-mail to Donal O'Grady twice a week you must think about compromising the safety of the man once or twice. Invite them to dinner a few nights before any game with Cork and dissolve a few boxes of Immodium in his tea. Should do the trick.


Is it right to drink alcohol not brewed in Cork?

Particularly where stout is concerned it is a public statement of dis-loyalty to be seen drinking a glass of 'foreign' produce. You should be embarrassed to ask for that certain pale based brand of stout with a Cork accent. Fortunate for some the death penalty for drinking 'foreign' stout was removed in 1937.


Is it acceptable to live in Dublin?

Only for work - you should not enjoy yourself there and you should socialise within strongly Cork circles to keep up to date on external revolutionary movements. We recognise that it is not the fault of Cork Citizens that they must travel to the pale to find employment or education but rather the oppressive regime that centres everything in the Irish State around the capital is to blame.


Is it right to be friends with Dubliners? Should I attack them?

Cork people must give an unequivocal welcome to any citizen from outside the county. * Instead of seeing the relationship as being "friends" we suggest you take on more the role of "counselling acquaintance". Bring them to Cork for a visit. Show them why its so good to be from Cork. Let them in on it.

* Ireland is apparently the island of 100,000 welcomes. This of course has been conveniently manipulated by the Irish media. All but only 31 of those come form outside Cork. The remaining 99,969 of those are attributed to the Cork - the friendliest county in Ireland.