Cowen Played Golf With Osama

12th Jan 2011

As the stories from the Dublin dictators get more and more outrageous and not a single member of government resigns despite swathes of murky goings-on at the banks the PROC throw a satirical eye on what it might take to get anyone in this brass-necked government to resign.

The headline: TD CLAIMS EXPENSES FOR MARS JOURNEY

The story: Newspaper reveals a sitting government TD has claimed mileage for a journey to the red planet. The 36 million mile journey at the standard rate of €1.26 per mile gets approved by the Public Accounts Committee.

The TD's line: "Did you not read my speeches? I said that the IMF and EU bailout was a huge step forward for our country and that we were turning a corner. I was clearly on another planet at the time. Furthermore, I am being treated unfairly by the media for my views as I am a person of utmost integrity. I didn't even put in a claim for a space suit!"

The result: The space cadet goes on to top the poll in the general election and submits application to visit Venus for St. Patrick's Day. A true waste of space.

Ivor Callely on "Dáil duty"

The headline: TD CLAIMS EXPENSES FOR MARS JOURNEY

The story: Newspaper reveals a sitting government TD has claimed mileage for a journey to the red planet. The 36 million mile journey at the standard rate of €1.26 per mile gets approved by the Public Accounts Committee.

The TD's line: "Did you not read my speeches? I said that the IMF and EU bailout was a huge step forward for our country and that we were turning a corner. I was clearly on another planet at the time. Furthermore, I am being treated unfairly by the media for my views as I am a person of utmost integrity. I didn't even put in a claim for a space suit!"

The result: The space cadet goes on to top the poll in the general election and submits application to visit Venus for St. Patrick's Day. A true waste of space.

Chrischt Weeshy, this 'ud be a handy place to cool the likes of Paul Galvin off a schmall bit.

The Headline: TAOISEACH PLAYED GOLF WITH OSAMA

Scenario: Leader of the current Irish government photographed playing crazy golf and enjoying a fourteen course set menu afterward with North Korean leader and verifiable nut job Kim Jong-Il at an exclusive course in the midlands along with the head of Iran's nuclear bomb programme and leading members of Al Qaeda.

The government line: "The opposition's claims are politically motivated and we refute the suggestion that this looks bad internationally. At no stage was a nuclear device or the bombing of the IMF or ECB headquarters discussed. We just talked about the interesting and successful styles of government employed in North Korea, Iran and other highly respected countries."

The result: All sitting government TDs mysteriously top the poll in the general election with 99.9% of the vote. Green party members send texts to each other in UPPER CASE to show how annoyed they are.

"We didn't discuss 9/11, except for the nine shots Obama took on the eleventh hole!"

The headline: CABINET HELD MEETING IN SEANIE'S HOT TUB

The story: revelations break that the government held a crucial and steamy secret meeting about the infamous bank guarantee in former Anglo Irish chairman Seanie Fitzpatrick's hot tub. While Ministers took turns at scrubbing the failed banker's back with a four foot long bath brush the Taoiseach also admits to helping wash conditioner from Seánie's greying locks and advising Fitzy to dying his hair.

The government line: "The event that may or may not have taken place in the home of our friend would not have any impact on our ability to act impartially on behalf of the people of Ireland and these allegations of impropriety are political opportunism at its most hideous. Similar to our views on changing the name of Anglo Irish bank we felt that dying Seánie's hair would give him a new image so we can give him a lucrative position on the board of some quango."

The result: State on the verge of bankruptcy. Nobody resigns. The Green Party are delighted to confirm that organic hair dye was used and the bath brush was not made in a Bangladeshi sweatshop.

We kahn take your kids

The headline: UNDER-5's TO BE SOLD FOR BAILOUT BOBS

The story: Government strikes a deal with international human traffickers to sell all the country's infants and pre-school children to the slave trade in exchange for additional spondoolies for Irish banks and a floundering NAMA.

The government line: "This is an essential part of the government's strategy to get credit flowing and to reduce overheads in the education and social welfare departments. The pain must be shared by everyone under five and their families. All children may be returned to their homes when the price of government ministers' property portfolios return to their 2006 value."

The result: The problem with oversized classes disappears in one felt swoop. Government ministers award themselves a pay rise.