Corkonians Guide to Driving in Dublin

2nd Jul 2015

Boasting about how long it has been since you’ve been to Dublin makes for good banter in Cork but many Rebels have to make that grim trip north every few years. It’s especially daunting when you have to bring the car but here’s our fail safe guide to ease the pain…

No right turns
Turning right is illegal within twenty miles of Dublin city centre therefore you have to plan your journey so that it only involves left turns. This can be crippling when you turn left too early as you may end up stuck in one of the city’s many vortexes. Each year up to twenty Cork people get stuck in infinite loops in the capital because of one-way systems and junctions that only allow cars to go straight on. If you are 100 yards from Croke Park and you turn left too early then you have to drive to Tuam in Galway before you get an opportunity to turn back towards your destination again.

It is believed Maurice ‘The Clutch’ O’Sullivan from Beara has been circling the Drumcondra area continuously since the football league final despite efforts by local community groups to rescue him.  He refuses to talk to them. Dowtcha Clutchy kid.
 

Road rage is common

Signage
All over Dublin the signage for drivers heading south will shock most Corkonians as “Limerick” appears above “Cork” on signage. This is highly offensive to Cork people. Limerick is below Cork in every sense and to suggest otherwise is a real dig at Corkonian pride. There are also signs for familiar places like “Donnybrook” and “Blackrock” – don’t let them confuse you, Rebel, these are actually Dublin suburbs that have been named after the Cork ones. 

Anti-Cork Bias
It’s already dog-eat-dog in Dirty Aul Town but your C registration plate is a red rag to bullish Dublin drivers who take delight in pretending they don’t see you when you’re trying to change lanes.

The city’s notoriously miserable taxi drivers have a special sour face for Cork vehicles and we suggest fighting your corner. We find rolling down the window and calmly singing the Banks of My Own Lovely Lee at them with all the patronising glee you can find in your Rebel heart while pulling across them in traffic produces a fantastically contorted face of rage so ugly that it would stop the Shandon clock.

The Finger
Nobody salutes anyone else in traffic up there – they’re just not as sound as us. If you raise your right index finger in traffic in Dublin to thank someone you’ll get a copy of the Evening Herald or a bag of heroin pushed in your window and a demand for payment.
 

Johnno eventually found the 10c coin down the side of his seat

Overnighting
If you’re staying up for the night be sure to find a secure location for your motor from the tens of thousands of car thieves roaming the streets of Dublin every night. Your exiled Cork buddy’s apartment block will have a car park where, no matter where you park and no matter how many spaces are free, some twit will leave a snotty note about you parking in their spot.  It’ll be written in block capitals with exclamation marks and things underlined to highlight the “seriousness” of the situation. They’re very upright in the Pale, God love us. 

Parking
There are around four parking spaces in total in Dublin city centre. This is difficult to understand for Cork people who expect to be able to park right outside whatever shop they want to go to on Pana. If you are going to O’Connell Street in Dublin for example it is recommended that you park somewhere in north Kildare and walk the rest as it’ll be quicker than being wedged in the Pale’s notorious traffic jams.

Dublin lacks the sophistication of paying for parking by phone or app that we are used to in the People’s Republic. Instead there are large black wheelie bin looking yokes on every street that are actually parking meters.
 

Average speed through Dublin on a Friday evening is 30cm/hr

These filthy graffiti infested stumps refuse to accept credit or debit cards or even notes. Instead you have to pour coins into them – which you don’t have. Depending on the alignment of the stars the machines will decide that it will not accept certain denominations on a particular day – having a particular distain for 20 cent pieces which it revels in loudly rejecting while Dubs tut behind you.

In Cork we have thankfully sent Clampy and Towey packing back to Dublin but remember that if you have to walk to a shop to get change for the parking meter these boys will be all over your car demanding a ransom when you get back.

Lethal Lewis
Named after the actor Daniel Day Lewis the Dubs have added even more terror to their streets by running large fast moving trains down the middle of them that regularly kill people. These vehicles which are paid for by your taxes allow drug dealers and thieves to get in and out of the city centre quicker (every time a crime is committed on board the bell rings).  
 

This would* never happen in Cork.

 
Just as you are turning onto the road to Cork and breathing a big sigh of relief a train will suddenly swing across your path so close that it brushes against the Cork flag hanging out your window. Several Cork people have been prosecuted for deliberately driving slowly in front of the Luas in an attempt to wind up the driver. It’d be worth the blot on your copybook for the LOLs but for the unnecessary trip to Dublin for the court appearance.   

* could