City Feen Realising He’s Not Compatible With UCC Culchie Classmates

20th Feb 2024

First year Food Science student Bartie Pana-McCarthy from Farranree has realised he not compatible with any of his non-city UCC classmates. It has taken more than a full semester for him to finally acknowledge that he has little or nothing in common with anyone from outside Cork. 

“Half of them are just talking about their hangovers and taking coke all the time because they didn’t do that all the way up through school like me….and the other half are international nerds who just want to play chess and Jenga.”

Bartie agreed to go along to a number of class parties in popular culchie student watering holes like The Wash and The Courthouse, but found the repetition grating. 

“I said I’d give it until RAG week just to see if I could find something in common with them, but it’s basically the exact same shit every night: the same culchie tunes in the same order every night and the same goams off their face on coke and Bacardis talking bollocks.”

The 19 year old’s torture doesn’t end at closing time. 

“Then it’s back to some gaf on College Road where some langball from Ennis or Adare always pulls out a guitar and plays Glen Hansard and The Coronas in a desperate attempt to impress the foreign flahs in our class” 

“I tried hanging out with the nerds too but there’s only so many Jenga tournaments in the santised lobbies of swanky new apartment blocks that you can pretend you’re enjouing. Shoulda taken that sparky apprenticeship with my uncle Mossy”.