Beware: Kerrymen in Town


 

Kerrymen on the Loose
Danny Elbow


For the entire weekend Cork will become a motoring hazard as Kerrymen descending on the Rebel County for the Munster Final wander around the city in their vehicles oblivious to road signage, traffic lights and pedestrians.

Such was the chaos in Kerry towns when one way streets were introduced that officials from the Department of the Environment were dispatched west to educate the masses.

The Kerry Wheelie

For months officials toured the Kingdom explaining the concept of one-way streets and their benefits for free flowing traffic in urban areas. Sadly, after banging their heads off brick walls it was decided to end the experiment as the locals simply "didn't get it". So try to understand the Kerryman's plight as he enters the mesmerising warren of one way streets, traffic lights and road signs this weekend.

Be especially careful on Sunday afternoon as perplexed Kerrymen reverse the wrong way up slip-roads, drive over roundabouts like they weren't there and insist on forcing their turf-burning tractors and hi-aces the wrong way down the likes of Oliver Plunkett Street.

TELL TALES
Thankfully the smell of manure, clouds of hay and tracks of thick brown sludge on the roads of Cork will warn you that motorised Kerrymen are malfunctioning in the area.

Our advise is to u-turn immediately and tune to a local radio station to find out where the various "single vehicle incidents" occur through out the afternoon so you can steer well clear.

Expect maniacs of all sort in the tunnel this weekend with The Kingdom in town

SEAL UP THE JACK
We call on Gardaí to seal off one of Cork's biggest infrastructural assets, the Jack Lynch Tunnel, from Kerry fans. The very notion of calamitous Kerrymen being within three miles of this crucial piece of engineering should make any proud Corkonian nervous.

All sorts of mayhem could arise when already disorientated Kerry lads realise that they are enclosed in a gigantic concrete tunnel beneath a river and start to panic. We all know what bedlam a sudden u-turn in the Jack Lynch can spark.

CHECK POINT KINGDOM
Check points should be set up at the Douglas side of the South Ring Road and all vehicles with Kerry registrations should be forced to take the slip-road for Carrigaline instead of being allowed to head east towards the tunnel.

Furthermore, bylaws should be passed urgently to force vehicles driven by Kerrymen to use their hazard lights all times whilst in the Rebel County so that Cork drivers can see the orange flashing lights from a distance and give them a wide berth.

When a Kerryman visited Bangkok in 2003 the traffic was jammed up until late 2007

K-PLATES
Instead of L-plates, a new lower level of driving ability should be created for Kerry drivers: the K-plate - which would help drivers all over the island to avoid the county's maniacs.

Some rogue Kerry immigrants living illegally inside the Peoples' Republic have procured Cork cars so Gardaí will need to stop individual vehicles for inspection.

Lawmen who are not convinced by the presence of livestock or Pat Spillane in a suspicious vehicle can stop the car and perform a simple IQ test to determine drivers' intelligence (or lack thereof) and thus their origin.

A "diversion" could then be put in place directing Kerry fans to the site of the toxic waste in Haulbowline where they might be tempted to load up their car boots with some of Ringaskiddy's famous waste hoping its fertilising qualities will spur on their crops - "shure dish schtuff will make the shpuds grow something fierce lads".

What they don't know won't worry them and our €300 million waste disposal problem will be solved.

Galvin: six month sentence without parole. Our Cork hearts bleed.

Galvinism
Be careful, whilst browsing the team selections in your match programme, that it isn't swiped out of your lámh by an angry and frustrated Kerryman.

After Paul Galvin's outrageous carry-on in Kerry's Munster semi-final clash with Clare one needs to be careful of all Kerrymen as they are very impressionable. The captain of the Kingdom slapped the referee's book out of his hand when it emerged Galvin was to be sent off following a second yellow-card offence.

There's nothing like watching Kerry fans turning on their own players when things start going wrong. Their faces redden, spittle gathers on their lips and the indiscernible roars of discontent get louder and louder - some of them even make Clare supporters look human such is their wild behaviour.

Quite the langer.

Now Captain Galvin has armed a generation of Kerry fans with a new way to express their frustrations so hold on to your match programmes, cups of tea and packets of taytos in case you end up at the receiving end.

Protect the Fans
After the sardine squash of the Munster hurling semi-final a few weeks ago when fans were accused of turning up late and causing a squash on the Blackrock Terrace we certainly hope there's a better plan for this weekend's showdown. Fans were forced to sit on the pitch without any protection from sliothars or flying hurleys.

With the current streak of madness infecting the Kerry team no Cork fan, especially a Cork child, should be forced to sit on the sideline again. Like crowds at a bull fight, the high fencing around the terraces is more for the protection of fans than anything else when Kerry roll into town.

Cork fans are dearly hoping Matador Counihan and his troops can survive the horns of the wild Kerry animal when it is unleashed at the park this Sunday at 2pm. Rebels Abú!

 
 
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