Army Bands to Play Slowly

15th Mar 2010

Band of the Southern Command practice playing out of key at Collins Barracks

Sources close to the Irish military have confirmed that Army bands will be partaking in the public-service 'go-slow' during parades across the country for St. Patrick's Day - the Irish state's official alcohol awareness day.

The PROC has learned that army and navy bands will play tunes 8 bpms (beats per minute) slower than their normal speed. Pending a further vote and inaction by the government in reversing Decembers pay-cuts this may be decreased to as much as 12 bpms slower.

Army bands such as those at Collins Barracks in Cork who are noted to be at the extremist end of the spectrum of angry public servants are threatening to play the Irish national anthem in B major instead of B flat if they cannot leave work before 1pm despite being paid until 5pm.

When pressed, sources would not rule out the possibility of dissent within the union ranks which may lead to a situation whereby musicians in the same band may end up playing the same songs in different keys at the same time leading to a caucophony of noise not dissimilar to that played on tannoys in Limerick housing estates to deter criminals/people from leaving their homes.

Moderates among the unions are suggesting less aggressive action which may include simply looking disinterested and unhappy. This was considered not to be feasible as it would be difficult for the public to distinguish between the band's normal appearance and this 'faked' apathy.

A proposal to play Crystal Swing covers was turned down by a narrow majority. Talking dirty in Spanish to the crowd on loud hailers was also ruled out.

In the event of the key clash mentioned above, Paddy's Day festival organisers in Cork will issue brown paper sick bags to those who do not bring their own ear plugs while those taking yokes for the parade are asked to resist 'double-dropping' as the slow tempo may wreck their buzz.

J.P.D.