”gie's Ark

2nd Dec 2009

Ógie's Ark Northsiders greeted the lack of running water on their side of the city with some devilishly dark humour - the only respite as Taoiseach Brian Cowen, who allegedly visited Cork, arrived empty handed.

Keep an eye out Ógie

With unprecedented floods swamping a large part of the lower lying city centre, citizens got an unpleasant taste of global concern about rising water levels and changing climate - the worst floods since records began.

If the city does become the modern day Atlantis, Northsiders joked that we might have to make a plan to save the best of what we've got and build an ark. All those centuries ago when Noah's vessel began boarding for its maiden voyage it welcomed a male and female from every species so what or whom would we put on the PROC arc if the rain continues to pour down on the Rebel county? Firstly, we would have to address the issue of the ark itself and where it would come from. The new Cork-Swansea ferry below on the quays doesn't appear to be too busy at the moment. That'd do.

Naturally being a Cork ship we assume that the Julia is probably bigger than say, the QE2 or the Titanic, so the space in the boot will be pretty generous and lots of room to cram it full of the best things Cork has to offer.

For their efforts on behalf of the county, Cork's senior mens and ladies GAA squads would be among the first names on the ship's list. This also complies with the requirement for a roughly even amount of men and woman. The super-children these couples could produce would get Cork off to a fantastic start when the flood waters finally recede.

The Ark's car deck would provide great storage for the amount of hurleys and training gear that the Cork panels would have to bring. Both squads could keep fit down there and there's plenty of space in the 153m long hold for practice games (Croke Park is only 144m long!). Any heavy swell while at sea would simulate cheating Kerry players trying to knock Cork footballers over as they strike the ball.

Aye Aye Captain Cusack While diplomacy may guarantee the Lord Mayor, aka 'First Citizen', to a first class cabin the captain of the ship will have to be somebody with nerves of steal; a strong minded Corkonian capable of dealing with the pressure of a storm - so we nominate skipper Donal Óg Cusack and first mate Frank Murphy to man the bridge.

The Julia passes Blackrock Castle

Captain Cusack will have the ultimate say while first mate Murphy will specialise in navigating in hostile waters, getting the ship out of a tight harbour and avoiding treacherous obstacles. Together they will battle stormy waters and pirates - and win every time.

International maritime law, just like the GAA rulebook, can appear strange and confusing - for example did you know that if you re-float a sunken vessel than it's more or less yours to keep? What better way to overcome a county like Limerick when they face a head on collision with the Cork vessel. We'll just take it over!

Forcing such former-adversaries to work together may increase the chance of a mutiny but this time the first mate, with such a limited passenger list, would not have the option of replacing Captain Donal and his crew with a young development squad. Unity is the only option for the survival of the county.

To pass the hours at sea some rip-roaring entertainment will have to be provided for the lucky passengers. This makes it likely that any remaining members of the Frank and Walters, Sultans of Ping, Nine Wazzies from Bainne and The Dixies would be handed boarding cards.

Sustenance on board will, like everything else on the ark, be of a high standard with locally brewed stout providing the majority of the nourishment along with tripe, drisheen, mushy peas and Hoggie burgers.

Let's hope the rains abate and the Ark is only needed to bring in thousands of tourists via Swansea obviously!

Check out the arrival of the Julia (new Cork-Swansea ferry) on youtube