93% of Single Cork Women Now Training to be Yoga Instructors

11th Aug 2015

A survey by the People’s Republic of Cork has revealed that almost all single Cork women in their thirties now want to leave their jobs to become full-time yoga instructors.

The startling statistic comes as the economy goes into fifth gear and demand for well-educated workers soars but business organisations are concerned that many highly driven and vastly-experienced women are being lured from the work place by yoga.

Not having played regular sports in their childhood, teens or twenties, these thirty-somethings are attracted to smug non-competitive environments where there are no losers or points to be scored and human resource departments in large companies are beginning to panic as a result.

Yoga-mania
Analysis shows that the 10,000 or so yoga centres in Cork city is due to explode in the coming years as more and more students open their own schools having poured their life savings into teacher training courses. By 2019 it is expected that there will be one yoga centre on Leeside for every Cork citizen.

Shocked at the devotion, commitment and large financial contributions of its followers to yoga, a source at the Catholic Church has confirmed that plans are being considered to introduce a yoga element to masses to attract these young women and their purses back to the church.

“We are considering  encouraging the congregation to follow the priest’s actions during the blessing of the Eucharist”, said a spokesperson who isn’t a woman, “we are thinking that the lifting of the host in the air could trigger a number of well-known yoga poses like ‘tree pose’ and worshippers could receive communion whilst performing cobra pose or half-frog pose although it might slow up the queues a bit”.

Sorry, I’ve Got Yoga On
87% of single female yoga students between age 30 and 40 now admit to preferring to meet other yoga ”friends” for herbal tea and miserable bowls of salad leaves to discuss yoga teacher training instead of meeting family and friends. 

Many social engagements have been replaced by yoga sessions with over 80% of respondents to the survey declaring that they have deleted their online dating profiles and shunned family occasions, including Christmas, to create more time for yoga training or simply thinking about yoga.

Also, large numbers of women from the rebel county have not been on a regular holiday since their thirtieth birthday - instead choosing specialist expensive yoga instructor training holidays in India with hundreds of other Cork women.

“Nothing beats hopping into my stone bed at 4pm to get a proper holistic night’s sleep and paying €250 per night for it”, said Patricia B. Joyce-Ashtanga who recently got married to a branch of Yoga at a private ceremony in the spare bedroom of the home she shares with her yoga mat and dog ‘Bikram’.

“It was really spiritual and very beautiful”, she said, “I was surrounded by a circle of two hundred tea lights and all my childhood teddy bears were there as witnesses. I’ve even changed my surname and we’re going on honeymoon to a silent retreat in Mysore.” 

Shockingly some Cork girls have not only chosen a life of chastity so they can pack in as many yoga classes as possible into one week but have also had their ovaries removed to improve some stretches.

“Look, I don’t have time to go on dates to find a man not to mind rare a child with all of my yoga teacher training classes so I just got them removed and I do a much better downward donkey without them”, said one.

“My life goals have changed from wanting a man, children and an interesting career to wanting to be able to twist my legs around my neck while standing on my head”, said the trainee yoga instructor.

“I’d give up my job to become a full time teacher myself, only I wouldn’t be able to afford the classes.”



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