The Togher Treaty

30th Oct 2002

The media blackout on the up-coming referendum on The Togher Treaty has been startling and frightening. Not one single newspaper or broadcaster has mentioned it's existence. A caller to Neil Predeville's Show on 96FM on monday morning who managed to blurt out a few words on the subject has not been seen by his family since. All posters erected by those concerned with the Treaty have been removed from lamp posts and bus shelters. It seems that if the media blackout is maintained ballot papers will not be handed out on polling day in conjunction with the Nice referendum. In fact as this page is published there are special branch pulling up outside the warehouse....have a read and say nothing to no wan but make sure you vote on referendum day 2003. Brochures outlining the aspects of the Togher Treaty are currently being distributed to over 1,000 homes all over Cork. In case they are intercepted or that there are more than 1,000 homes in Cork please read it's contents below....

The Togher Treaty Referendum 2002 What is the intention of this document?
The Cork Referendum Commission has been employed by the forthcoming Government of the People's Republic Of Cork to provide you with impartial information regarding the upcoming referendum on The Togher Treaty.

Who should read this document?
Those who are of Cork origin and persuasion with a higher reading age of 3. This document is also available in the dialects of HollyHill and Rochestown from your local corner boys.

Why is The Togher Treaty so important ?
The treaty is essential for prosperity as it will open up new trade corridors particularly between Northside and Southside. The treaty is already in practice on the streets of Cork, in particular at Daunt Square on Saturday afternoon. A 'No' vote could mean the exclusion of several towns on the outskirts of the county such as Youghal, which may become a part of Waterford as a result.

Who negotiated the Togher Treaty and where?
Despite public perception and name, the majority of the Treaty was negotiated in The Glen with some off-the-record work also being done at Montenotte and Douglas. The final handshakes and signatures took place in the Deanrock Bar in Togher just after last call on Tuesday July 30th 2002. There was brief tension between Smokey Looney and one of the officials from Crosshaven over confusion about the gender of Smokey Looney's "female" companion. A brief striptease outside the DeanRock eased tensions.

Can I vote if I wasn't born in Cork?
Yes but we probably won't count it. If your Nan or Granda was born in Cork we might think about it because we're sound.

Will the Togher Treaty make it harder for me to claim my compo?
The Treaty has been carefully written so as not to affect the income of many Cork householders. Well defined and glaring loop holes have been written into the treaty by compo law experts as well as a commitment from the People's Republic of Cork government to spend as little as possible on footpath repairs and to further relax already irrelevant safety regulations at road works and building sites.

Is there a question over Cork's neutrality?
Yes, voting NO could mean the neutrality of many people. There are two types of people in this County: feens and beors. Voting 'NO' will mean you could bear a child who is neither male nor female but neutral. Women will bare a 1 in 3 chance of bearing a son. These neutrals will bare no reproduction organs, will have vague facial structures and speak in unmelodious Midland's accents.

Will the Treaty do anything for Peace?
As well as the deployment of UN troops (flying the Buttevant flag) to Burgerland on Saturday nights several truces and ceasefires between the following Cork based adversaries are included in the Treaty

- De Haney Boys and The Montenotte Fellowship
- Toby Noonan and Regional O'Driscoll. (The Bishopstown Twenty Minute War)
- Neil Prendeville and Charlie Wolfe
- Knuckles O'Leary and his old doll's fellah La-La O'Sullivan
- Mickey The Bags and The Honda Civics.

What will this mean for the main drainage scheme?

The reason the Main Drainage Scheme has taken over 180 years to put together is because of the diameter of the pipe being laid. While other City's have functional things like Light Rail to look forward to as Corkonians we can look forward to the day when our number twos are whisked down the toilet a little faster than days gone by. Voting 'Yes' for Togher means the Main Drainage Scheme will be used as an underground high-speed trolley racing track sponsored by Super-Value.

What does Togher mean for crime?
Voting 'Yes' in the Treaty will introduce emergency legislation to intern FAI officials including Mick McCarthy. McCarthy is believed to be hiding out in Hills in South Limerick since his return from the World Cup and to have grown a long grey beard and maybe wearing a white robe but has so far evaded capture. He has been currently wanted to 'help the customers at The Templeacre Tavern in Gurranabraher with their inquiries over the Saipan affair after which a file will be sent to CMP.

What other constituencies can vote?
Santa Ponza is the only other area outside the county bounds whose citizen's are entitled to vote in The Togher Treaty referendum. The provision of a bus route from Pana to Santa Ponza is high on the agenda of the treaty as citizens' only mode of transport to the Cork suburb currently is by aeroplane that only maintains regular service in the summer months.

Will the talent in Cork improve with the passing of The Togher Treaty?
The enthusiasm for global warming to tan up local talent is running at an all time high in Cork. The Kinsale road dump has been tunnelling into the Ozone layer directly above it for many years. A beam of high intensity UV dense sunlight on the Kinsale Road and surrounding areas means it will soon become a tourist attraction akin to the geysers of Iceland. The Treaty will encourage tourism, which will improve talent around the shop. Where will the votes be counted?
At the Hi-B bar on Oliver Plunkett St. with two calculators and a Pound City magic writing pad.

Is this junk mail?
Chalk it down.