May Horoscopes 2001
Don't attempt to do anything whatsoever without first consulting PeoplesRepublicOfCork's guide to what the stars have to say. This exclusive horoscope was compiled by our resident panel of expert astrologists, after endless hours of meditation, machination and medication.
Sagittarius Those of you who didn't make it into Spike Island for the annual Draw & Ganja Festival last month should definitely think about doing a few hand-brake-spins outside Angelsea St. Law Station at the end of this month. With the eclipse due on Mars, chances are your case will be up around March 2002 and you'll be inside just in time for next year's festivities. If luck is on your side you might get two months instead of one, enough time to finally learn all of the words to "No Woman No Cry" once and for all.
AquariusYou are the boy this month. You've got so much style right now. The buckles on your slip-ons are shiny enough to almost block out the effect of your luminous yellow shirt. Saturday is Pana Day (Sat-URR-day); stroll around town with your chest out, arms loping, head cocked, wide for the law, buying a few things here, nicking a few things there. You'll certainly get flashbacks of maad fights on Saturday nights. You won 'em all. Any fights you get into this week you should use headlocks and the Bishopstown Mangle as your main moves.
PiscesOr should I say pussies? It may be helpful to wear a full hurling helmet when going buzzing after having your jaw broken by that langer Capricorn last month. It's time to have a rethink about the size of other feens you decide to take on at the fountain. Lie low, have a smoke and forget about the humiliating way he didn't even flinch after you unleashed your pussy punches and fart kicks. Take heart cos you're not the first to make this mistake - remember the old Cork philosophy "Y' haff ta take a bate-in t'give a bate-in".
AriesThe law car is still parked outside your door and you're under big-time pressure to move the gear. The ol' doll I advised you to flah last month has, despite your hopes, a bun in the oven ( I did warn about fertility) and she's after telling your ol' lade. When she calls over to break the news , stay calm and don't slap her, cos remember: the law are outside . DO NOT put the gear in danger, we don't want another drought in Cork. The stuff alone will pay off the old doll and the child.
TaurusAll Tauruses are in danger of being zoned off for the foot and mouth cull that's imminent in the City Centre. It hit the Irish Republic at the end of March and it's due in the Cork Republic on the 17.30 train from Dublin 12th of May assuming Jupiter's moons are visible from Dundalk one hour before departure. You must become an Anti F&M soldier, loyal to Cork and Cork only. You can get dust masks and full body dust suits up in the DIY place on North Main St. for about 6 quid. Glow sticks and whistles are available in the English Market. Rave tapes are still available from Golden Discs.
GeminiYou're back from the PeoplesRepublicofCork-recommended vacation in Santa Ponza, with a face as red as the pavement outside Burgerland on a Sunday morning. You're in flying form despite having to fork out 100 quid to get a bus full of your relations up to the airport to cheer you in as you walked across the tarmac. It's impressive how your trip away caused a major industrial dispute in Aer Lingus. All the baggage handlers up in the airport had to "go on strike" after sniffing out the result of your day trip to Morocco before the customs got a hold of it. It's no wonder passengers from Amsterdam feel like they haven't left home when greeted by staff at the airport.
CancerAnother moon has been discovered on the dark side of Venus so you're flahed to be honest Hammer. No matter where you go in the next few weeks the photographer from Downtown in the Echo is going to find you. Not only is your immaculate reputation as a Cork-City-Madee in jeopardy but all the feens you've hammered over the years are going to recognise you and you won't be able to put a foot outside the door without big gangs of feens stamping all over your head. The caption will stay with you for the rest of your life'
Read our guide to holding up traffic, driving at terrifying speeds through villages and sleeping in your tractor....all so Chinese women can give up breastfeeding...
With the concrete pillars and devoted crowds those not familiar with the area might confuse it with Mahon Point Shopping Centre but the all new Páirc Uí Chaoimh is more than a smell of coffee, big brands and long lines of traffic.