Here’s What Level 6 Lockdown Will Look Like
The Dublin government's chief medical officer has asked Turner’s Cross Mick to put the whole country into the maximum level of lockdown, but if level 5 doesn’t work, where to then? We’re going to need more levels.
Here’s what level 6 will probably look like:
Over 35’s Forced Hibernation
Anyone over the age of 35 (aka ‘the elderly’) should now cocoon and reduce their breathing to less than 3 breaths per minute to minimise the chance of airborne covid getting into their gobs.
Socialising, for this weak section of society, is now totally out of the question. Don’t even dream of going outside your front door until at least next spring (we recommend having it nailed shut from the outside).
Even when spring comes, you probably won’t need to go out as most of your friends will be dead from the virus by then anyway. Don’t even risk a zoom, there was some fella on the twitter saying it could be transmitted by 5G. Better safe than sorry.
College Students Held At Gunpoint
All students will be rounded up and held at gunpoint in large stadia to prevent them organising house parties (it’s hard to send Instagram messages when your hands are in the air). Each day enormous hoses will be used to douse them in sanitizer and all male students who have lost the run of themselves by following silly fashion trends will be forced to wear socks to prevent them getting the flu.
One Person Per Room
Maximum number of people in one enclosed space reduced to one – including toilet cubicles. If the old doll wants to watch telly with you, she’ll have to sit outside the living room window while you watch your Glen Rovers V Blackrock re-runs. Count yourselves lucky. If you think this is bad, wait until you see the next level when only one person per HOUSE is allowed and there are scraps over who’s sleeping in the garden shed.
Romance Not Allowed
Dating sites and jags will be banned to prevent people from different households exchanging saliva and covid. Romance will be outlawed as the risk of picking up an infection from a lover is far too high. The thought of pressing your lips against those of another human that you really fancy, even if you live with them is absolutely revolting isn’t it?
Meat Plants and Off Licenses To Remain Open
As per usual, due to the size of their respective lobby groups and their deep political connections, meat plants and offies will remain open until we reach level 13 restrictions (the point at which children are the only survivors). Big greasy burgers and cheap 46% proof vodka have never done anyone any harm.
Zero Attendees at Funerals
If you think you’re going to die, then it would be selfish to assume somebody else is going to take care of your body and give you a send-off. Who do you think you are? Pope Trump? If you think you’re going to kick the can, head out to your back garden and cover yourself in bird seed. The hungry vultures will take care of the rest.
Internet Turned Off
By removing ways for people to communicate digitally, the temptation for people to engage with each other will be reduced. If you don’t know a family gathering or a victory parade in Blackrock is happening, you’re less likely to attend it and get covered in covid. Plus, our health service can’t cope at the moment so the last thing we need is some internet virus adding to our woes.
Schools To Be Demolished
Parents of young children must take primary school teacher courses by night and teach their children during the day while also maintaining a precarious full-time job in a company that has been on the verge of bankruptcy since March.
This is how it’s going to be until everyone in Ireland gets a vaccine – hopefully by 2028 depending on the number of Department of Health cock-ups – so your child’s education, along with your exorbitant rent, is now in your hands.
Yes, you heard us right. You’ll be doing a full-time teaching course during the night instead of sleeping. And if you’re worried about being tired, sure half the country’s medical staff haven’t slept in six months!
Stay Away From Hospitals
For non-covid related health issues, only those who have confirmed that they do not have a pulse should have the cheek to turn up at A&E. Ideally the pulse should not have been present for a number of days before deciding to show up at a hospital and arrogantly asking for ‘help’ from a system you’ve been paying for with your taxes all your life. Stay at home you melodramatic hypochondriacs and take a few asprin.
See you at level 7.