It had been a bad morning. I was up to Rockmount park to give an inspirational speech to the under 16's.
Cunts went and lost 2-0 to Avondale.
Now here I am on the dual carriageway to Ballin fucking collig to be a guest referee for a girls soccer match. Girls soccer ffs, how do I let Michael talk me into these things?
Oh shit, men at work, I brake, the brakes not working. I crash.
Suddenly I'm floating above the car. I can see the para medics with their defibrillator. Of course its not working. Fucking HSE, always preparing to fail.
Suddenly All i can see is a light in the distance. The light is drawing me towards it.
I'm at the pearly gates. Christ they could do with a lick of paint, haven't been painted since Moses was a boy.
"Ah Mr Keane" says this old bearded chap "we've been expecting you". He looks tired, like he's been doing this for about two thousand years.
"go on in , we arranged for Mr Clough to show around and get you comfortable in your new surroundings."
I walk in and I spot ol big head taking guitar lessons from George Harrison. I look around to see if I can spot John Lennon. No sign of him. Welcome to hell.
Cloughie spots me and greets me with "hey you. Irish, how you doing me old son"
This cunt still thinks I'm an apprentice at Forest. He comes over and playfully digs me in the stomach. I nut him.
"Take that you old dinosaur. My name is Roy, not Irish you old has been."
He looks shocked. No one ever spoke to him like that on Earth.
I find my room. Too hot and outside there's a load of liverpool fans outside playing you'll never walk alone on what must be about 1,000 harps. Welcome to hell.
I decide to go for a walk. So I'm walking along the clouds and they feel like a fucking car park. No give in the surface at all. I could pick up an injury if I'm not careful.
And everywhere there's buskers playing harps or that soft rock shite made famous by wankers like steely dan.
I'm off to see God.
I walk into his office. There he is like Billy big God, sitting on a throne stroking his beard.
"What kind of a heaven do you call this then?"
"no one else is complaining Roy" he says.
"Thats because they don't have the right attitude, they've all gone soft"
" Do you ever think you might be the problem Roy. I mean, you've only been here two minutes and already everyone is walking on egg shells around you."
"roy is there anything I can do to make your stay a more pleasant one?"
"well where's John lennon? You let george in and he's the shit one."
"ROY" he says "john wrote a song asking people to "imagine no religion". He's burning in hell for that"
"oh religion is it" i say staring him in the eye " let me tell you about religion. you have people down there believing in all sorts of shit. hindu's sweeping floors in case they step on a spider that might be their mam, christians believing a piece of bread is the body of your son boy, muslims blowing themselves up to get 72 virgins and don't even get me started on tom cruise and his lunatic fringe"
"you could have sorted this all out on the 7th day boy, but you needed a fucking rest. and you've been living off those first 6 days for a long time now"
"and what about the famines, the wars, the poverty, the natural disaster etc. What kind of a God allows that kind of carry on?"
" I work in mysterious ways Roy"
"jesus christ" I scream at him.
"no need for that now Roy. Leave the family out of this. My son died for you"
"he died for me. I don't remember asking him to die for me. Overated magician anyway. Turning water into wine, feeding a few people with loaves and fishies. Why didn't he sort out the numerous problems the people of israel had with the romans?"
"roy" he says "remember who you're talking too. You're not perfect either. What about that time you faked a stomach bug to get out of your ITV gig because you heard Wrighty was going to be there"
Thats the final straw, accusing me of feigning injury.
"who the fuck do you think you are, accusing me of pulling a sickie? No one does that to me. I had arranged with the ITV to work the Tuesday but I could go home to recover on the wen night. was only apoel v city anyway. Fuck you and fuck your son.he's a shit son, you're a shit father and you're not even jewish you christian prick"
Suddenly I open my eyes. I'm back in my car and the paramedics have got the defibrillator working.
"Oh No" i say to myself, "sent home again Roy, sent home again."
At least I don't have to ref that girls soccer match.
I smile.
