Jokes thread......

[Great-Bit-O-Stuff]

Jack was dying with his wife sat beside him at his bedside.
He looked up and said weakly "I have something I need to confess" to which his wife replied "There is no need to".
"No" he insisted,"I want to die in peace.....I slept with your sister,your best friend,her best friend and even your mother !"
"I know" she replied...."Now just rest and let the poison work"

 

[Drucker]

I just bought Humpty dumpty toy from Aldi.
Absolute bargain; it comes with Aldi Kings horses and Aldi Kings men.

 

[Pontipine]

I just bought Humpty dumpty toy from Aldi.
Absolute bargain; it comes with Aldi Kings horses and Aldi Kings men.

That’s really shit but I still laughed

 

[fed up]

Where's Westie,

And dont say across from Eastie.

 

[Pontipine]

Where's Westie,

And dont say across from Eastie.

Hanging off the arse hairs of the Norrie

 

[Great-Bit-O-Stuff]

Two elderly Australian ladies were sitting on the porch when one lady asked the other “do you still get frisky?”
Her friend says “I sure do!”
The first lady asks “what do you do about it?”
The second lady says “I suck a lifesaver”
The first lady thought for a second then asks “Who drives you to the beach?”

 

[hurley68]

Prince Andy says to Queen
"See you later alligator".Queen replies
"In a while Pedophile"

 

[Pontipine]

My Dad rushed home this evening from work and pulled my mother into their bedroom, threw my mother on the bed, and pulled the blanket over them. My mother was shocked he hadn't been like this for 20 years. Then my Dad said: "Look my new watch glows in the dark".

 

[Great-Bit-O-Stuff]

 

[westieboyo]

We were all at a fishing trip, no one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. We decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so we voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
We said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
We said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. We couldn't believe it. We said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.