Jokes thread......

[chipsncheese]

since my dear and beloved jokes thread of 30 pages has disappeared,this new one will replace it.....


> >
> >here is something for you to laugh at...
> >
> >
> >Marriage (Part I)
> >
> >Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after
> the
> >wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I
> want,
> >if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle
> from
> >you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell
> you
> >that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,
> boozing
> >and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you
> give
> >me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
> >His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand
> that
> >there will be s*x here at seven o'clock every night . . .
> whether
> >you're here or not."
> >
> >DAMN SHE'S GOOD!
> >*******************************************************
> >Marriage (Part II)
> >
> >Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
> >wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm
> getting
> >you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As
> Ever.'"
> >"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
> that
> >reads, "Here Lies My Husband ? Stiff At Last.'"
> >
> >HE ASKED FOR IT!
> >*******************************************************
> >Marriage (Part III)
> >
> >Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the
> breakfast
> >table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good
> in
> >bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he
> realizes
> >he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She
> comes
> >to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says,
> "What
> >took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in
> bed." "In
> >bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"
> >
> >YUP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!
> >*******************************************************
> >Marriage (Part IV)
> >
> >A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He
> is so
> >proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of
> Six "
> >in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The
> man
> >decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his
> wife
> >is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice,
> "Shall
> >we go home Mother of six?'" His wife, irritated by her
> husband's lack
> >of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father
> of
> >Four."
> >
> >RIGHT ON, LADY!
> >*******************************************************
> >
> >"God may have created man before woman but there is always a
> rough
> >draft before the masterpiece."

 

[chipsncheese]

>
> >Love little kids........
> > >
> > > WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?
> > >
> > > One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
> > > She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put
a
>
> > > Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
> > > "No, I don't," said the little boy.
> > > "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your
> >Mom
> > > before he goes to work."
> > >
> > > Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out!
> > > It's a piece of Ass!"
>

 

[chipsncheese]

Can you see the moral in this tale?
>
>I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and
so we
>decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my
friends
>encouraged me and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one
thing
>bothering me very much indeed and that one thing was her younger
sister. My
>prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini
skirts
>and low-cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near
me and I
>got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate.
She
>never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister
called
>and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone
>when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and
desires for me
>that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She
told me
>that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married
and
>committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't
say a
>word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want to
go
>ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen
in
>shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top
she
>pulled down her panties and tossed them down to me. I stood there
for a
>moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened
the door
>and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My
future
>father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged
me and
>said, "We are so happy that you have passed our little test. We
couldn't ask
>for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." The moral
of
>this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[Out da Lough Like]

Liverpool FC.

 

[Eoin]

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today
when he
challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
awarded
custody to his aunt.
The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and
refused
to live there.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy
cried
out that they beat him more than anyone.
The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have
custody of
him.
Custody was yesterday granted to Liverpool football club as the boy
firmly
believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

 

[Aphex]

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today
when he
challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
awarded
custody to his aunt.
The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and
refused
to live there.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy
cried
out that they beat him more than anyone.
The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have
custody of
him.
Custody was yesterday granted to Liverpool football club as the boy
firmly
believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

aren't you a pool fan?

down with that sort of thing!

 

[Eoin]

aren't you a pool fan?

down with that sort of thing!

Yeah, I am.

 

[##linda##]

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today
when he
challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
awarded
custody to his aunt.
The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and
refused
to live there.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy
cried
out that they beat him more than anyone.
The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have
custody of
him.
Custody was yesterday granted to Liverpool football club as the boy
firmly
believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

aren't you a pool fan?


down with that sort of thing!

careful now :lol: :lol:

 

[chipsncheese]

Message A radio station in Australia recently ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moments in listener's lives. The following are the final 4
4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgustand annoyancefrom other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's Willie last night!'
The silence was deafening, after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.
3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled
'SURPRISE'
My entire family...aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and Embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checkout chick got on the public address system and boomed out for the entire store to hear 'Price check on laneTAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.' That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently missunderstood the word 'TAMPAX' for'THUMBTACKS' in a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public> address system:
'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU BELT IN WITH A HAMMER?'
1st place
And the winner is........ This one happened at a major Australian University in October last year in a biology lecture, a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female, raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in the male semen as in sugar?'
'That's correct.' Responded the professor, going on to add some statistical data.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?'
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without a word walked out of the class, and never returned. However, as she was going out of the
door,
The professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question.
'IT DOESN'T TASTE SWEET BECAUSE THE TASTE-BUDS FOR SWEETNESS ARE ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE AND NOT IN THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT.'

 

[chipsncheese]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive",
> > > Saddam decided to send George W. a letter, in his own writing, to let
>him
> > > know that he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it
> >appeared
> > > to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H
> > >
> > > George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and e-mailed it to
> >Colin
> > > Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the
> >CIA.
> > > No one could solve it there, so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and
> >NASA
> > > and the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.
> > > Eventually they asked the Mossad in Israel for help.
> > > Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied:
> > > "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!"