Jokes thread......

[Skybluebarry1]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells...

"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"

 

[Skybluebarry1]

A man walks into a bar. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall, and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink.
The bartender says "I'm sure it's none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays piano like that?"
The guy says "There's a genie outside granting wishes, I bet he's still there if you hurry."

The bartender runs outside, and moments later a bunch of ducks come in through the front door and start causing a big ruckus. The bartender says "You didn't tell me the genie was deaf, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
The guy says

Do you really think I asked for an eleven inch pianist?"

 

[Skybluebarry1]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed…

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. ‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met’.

She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, ‘Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 20 and you were only 16,’ he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies.

The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’

‘Yes, I remember’ said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years for having sex with a minor,’

‘I remember that, too’ she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said “I would have gotten out today.”

 

[Skybluebarry1]

My girlfriend has informed me that she no longer wants foreplay before sex but she is still quite happy to just have the sex.

I can’t help thinking that something has fundamentally changed her way of thinking

But I can’t put my finger on it.

 

[greengrass]

My girlfriend has informed me that she no longer wants foreplay before sex but she is still quite happy to just have the sex.

I can’t help thinking that something has fundamentally changed her way of thinking

But I can’t put my finger on it.

What age are you! 77 or7.

 

[Carmona]

What age are you! 77 or7.

It definitely feels like it's one or the other alright.

 

[Skybluebarry1]

Time to retire i feel judging by the comments. i will leave ye with a true story.


A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I need back up here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet"

"Why not"

"The floor's still wet."

 

[Skybluebarry1]

Yerra i couldn't stay away!
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch that Fu*king wall!"


My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.

So I've had to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.

 

[Skybluebarry1]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"

 

[Skybluebarry1]

Judge to guilty defendant: 'Have you anything to say to this court before I pronounce sentence?'

Defendant (mumbling): 'Fuck all'

Judge to Clerk of Court: 'Clerk, what did the defendant say?'

Clerk of Court: 'He said 'fuck all', your Honour.'

Judge: 'That's most odd, I was sure he said something'.