Search results

Back again this spring. Now with tinted sunroofs!

Maguire agus Patterson - purveyors of fine flammable stick-lets. Come see our range of miniature stick-lets at your local hardware store! Bring your fire with you, with our mobile stick-lets!

Now available in all good draperies.

Fupping bastards.

I have a new baby boy. I'm going to teach him some things that are mean, but fun. They'll also make him look on the world in a different way to other human beings. To start, I will tell him: Fat people have television sets in their bellies. If you peep through their belly-buttons you will see...

Yesterday I went to my friend Octopussy's for luncheon. It was under the sea and we sat in the garden outside in the shade. He had quail and I had roast spring luncheon roll. We each smoked a hand-rolled Havana (quite a feat, under the sea) and I must say it was quite peaceful there sitting...

A woman just came to my door looking for money. She was wheeling a pram full of geese. She had a small apron or bib around the neck of each goose and seemed to think they were her children. "Chucka chucka chucka" (or some such), she said to them, as she fed them Onion Rings. She was middle...

A Cork man recently made a shock announcement on a live radio programme. The man, who was previously unknown to the public, admitted that he loved his wife "very much indeed". Speaking to Cork's favourite colouredy radio station, Red Fm, the man, known only as 'John', told the jockey, "she's...

I think they're rather nice, given all they've been through. Pat a mother's bottom today. It's fun and it's free! (T&Cs apply)

This seems to be a recent trent in the sales business. In the old days you used buy something for what it was, like a good computer, a nice puppy, or a bag of tasty jelly-beans. Lately, though, there seems to be a trend where things are sold because of what they don't contain. "Not from...

I like them. I met a girl last night who was like this. First she preened herself, then padded around the place gently for a while, and finally she purred a little. I found this very attractive. She also had a lithe body that was vaguely cat-like. Is this wrong? Also, the wife's birthday is...

I've been feeling a bit bewildered recently. Would now be a good time to look at investing in the property market?

Standing atop a warren over the weekend, I made a derogatory comment regarding the furry creatures below. It was probably something mean, like how their tails were a bit gay. Anyway, my human colleague gave me a stern rebuff. "Speak not ill of the critters", she says, "lest the wrath of the...

Dear Siobhán, I hope you're okay there in Australia and that you don't miss the Barry's Tea too much. Things are lovely here in Knockasheen but the recession is terrible. They've had to take in the telephone wires at night and all the old people had to be put down. Kira the sheep is lambing at...

Tasty Indian snacks now being served by lovely Eastern European staff at Ger's. Tandoori, korma, tikka masala and other hot things all served in fresh baps or tasty naans. A recession-beating offer not to be missed. Ads shortly available on all good radio stations. Stay tuned for more details.

A Polish woman 'rode' into our office just there on a ride-on hoover. Well, actually she hovered in. The whole apparatus, engine and 'sucking' device, was self-contained, hovered as well as 'sucked', all with a Polish woman sitting on top. Is this the latest thing now? Who'd have thought that...

Argh.

The economy is growing green shoots now, apparently. My hole. The only green shoots are the weeds in my garden.

I am thinking of selling potted culture at this year's Cork Midsummer Festival, which will this year probably not be sponsored by any architects' firms. Something like a stall outside some of the bigger events, like the Marquee. Culture, in pots, sold in small bite-size chunks for busy people...

There is no creature in nature more vulnerable than a guilty mother. It is because the person she once had in her womb is now angry with her, because he was mistreated as a child, unloved, abused, or not given enough pocket money on Sundays. The mother feels the guilt more than anyone else...