Amazingly human like

It is unclear this morning whether the GAA will decide to investigate the possibility that Jerry and Ben O’Connor are not human beings. After the immaculate super human performance of hurling’s most famous siblings in the All Ireland final questions are being raised by Galweigans about the standard of hurling in Cork and whether any human could actually achieve the level of skill that won Cork a two in a row in Croke Park yesterday.

Outside Supermacs on Eyre Square in Galway last night drunk and saddened Galwegians discussing their county's 5 point mauling clung to the hope that they would wake up this morning to hear news about a replay announced on the 8am news.

“....Cork may be stripped of their All Ireland crown for using two android clones in yesterday’s All Ireland final – the revelations came as Jerry began to emit sparks and smoke while being doused in champagne during post match celebrations at the Burlington Hotel in Dublin. The only comment the player would give to the media afterwards was Unknown Error – please insert CD – retry, ignore or cancel”.

We decided to look at the evidence and see what arguments could be put forward to back up claims that the O’Connor twins are robots. Afterall, could humans REALLY be this good?

Ben with Lord Mayor Seán Martin, Donal O'Grady and County Chairman Jim Forbes

1. “Man” of the Match Ben scored a massive 0-19 before Cork took on Galway yesterday and notched up another five points and a sensational goal in the All Ireland final. Ben also hit two massive points from the sideline at crucial moments in both the final and in the semi final against Clare. Both points were scored with almost no visual reference to the goal posts and were hit from 60 yards plus. Jerry hits his points so high that the sliotar has ice on it when it lands.

2. Did you see Ben O’Connor chasing Clare danger man Colin Lynch in the dying minutes of the semi final? No human being could play a game of that intensity and pursue a man for 80 yards trying whilst to hook him with such relentless energy in injury time. Ben eventually did enough to force Lynch out to the sideline, made him miss his shot and prevented an equaliser for Clare. Pundits talk of the O'Connors always looking like "they have more in the tank".

3. Jerry is a member of An Garda Siochana. Where else would a robot with such blistering pace and accuracy be handy? Law enforcement of course. Robocop is on the loose in North Cork.

4. Ben is a hurley maker. With the popularity of the game surging in Cork again demand for good sticks is surpassing supply. GAA heads would baulk at the idea of a hurley being made by a machine so having a machine that looks like a human make hurleys is a great compromise.

4. Paying for a complete new face design on an android is VERY expensive. Coming up with the idea of calling the pair “identical twins” is a handy way to cover up a second identical cloned android arriving on the scene.

5. Ben and Jerry only 'came good' in the last few years. No sports journalist or GAA statistician can ever remember them before the age of 22.
Rumours are flying around Galway this morning that Ben and Jerry’s birth certificates have “gone missing” from the Registrar of Births office.

6. When the going got tough in the Clare game both twins removed their helmets to promote cooling and prevent overheating in their main processor.

Garda Jerry O'Connor out on patrol in North Cork. Crime in the area has been reduced by 98%.

7. Does Newtownshandrum – the O’Connor’s alleged home - actually exist? Have you ever been there? We hear so little about it one must surely question its existence. It is portrayed in the media as being a tiny village in North Cork - an area that is conveniently large so that people in Mitchelstown believe it to be in the west of the county near Millstreet and people in Millstreet believe it to be near Mitchelstown. Corkonoans believe the town is much too small to be included on any map reducing suspicison.

8. The twins’ creators almost gave the game away in 2004 when then captain Ben had to go up on the Hogan Stand and accept the Liam McCarthy Cup. Programmers did not install the Gaelige function before the game as the installation CD went missing the week before the final and Ben had to make do with phonetic pronunciation of Irish words from a sheet provided by a Cork mentor which didn't go too well to say the least.

9. Have you ever seen them drink water on camera or roll around in pain after a severe collision? The only occasion you see “the doctor” attending them is to reset their RAM module to prevent their system processor overloading during a game.

10. No human could be THAT good!

To Galwegians the O'Connor twins and many of the Cork players may seem like super-humans, amazing androids or invincible robots built on solid linux operating systems but today they wake up to the cold crushing reality of the strength of Cork hurling and a gutting All Ireland defeat. Up the Rebels!