Human Resources
by Alan Ger

Getting a job in a Human Resource department must surely be the best move any feen could make if he's looking for job security. HR departments surround themselves with frighteningly complex corporate waffle about how crucial their positions are to the operation of the company,. Even company directors can be afraid to get into discussions with them allowing HR departments to effectively barricade themselves into the company for life.

There are of course lots of big industrial pharmaceutical and electronic multi-national corporations here in Cork. While having a great reputation for providing well paid jobs to Cork's population any new worker joining one of these large companies must under-go a company "induction" provided by a chirpy HR beor whose sole aim is to completely brain wash all the newbies with company philosophy.

While this tactic might work well at company headquarters in Texas us Corkonians have our feet placed almost too firmly on the ground to seriously absorb any of the bullshit thrust at us by the puppets in their Irish divisions' HR departments. Here's what you can expect if you haven't been on one before….

8.50am
Showered, shaved and fresh as a daisy you arrive at the reception desk and are told to remain seated until somebody from HR arrives to take you away. When you turn around to sit down you realise that 10 others, obviously starting today as well, are already there sitting in absolute silence shyly avoiding each others gazes. The ringing of the phone and sharp decisive responses of the receptionist occasionally relives the awkwardness of the deathly silence.

9.18am
Finally chirpy "Amanda" from HR arrives into the foyer with great gusto and asks all to follow her. Although comically caked in make-up she seems friendly but don't buy the act - this wench will be only too delighted to suggest your redundancy as soon the share price of the company drops a few cent. Bustling into the conference room a seat around midway on the big conference table is desirable. Being up the front might mean you have to answer her silly questions first and being down the back might give the wrong impression. Blend in.


9.20 am
While the HR old doll sets up the projector you all settle down and briefly explore the "personalised HR pack" that lies on the table in front of each new candidate. Eventually after a few clichés about her difficulty with modern technology Amanda introduces herself and tells you about how rewarding and exciting it is to work for Mickey Mouse Electronics.

As she puts a positive spin on every aspect of the company your fresh blooded enthusiasm tells you that you have made the right decision to come and work for Mickey Mouse. Sure they're even giving you a free pen with your personalised HR pack! Sound out.


9.25 am
After her intro comes the uncomfortable bit. The silent anonymity you were enjoying with your peers so far is suddenly punctured. Its time to introduce yourself to everybody. This is a pretty uncomfortable thing for most young adults to do in a room full of shy strangers on a Monday morning. At least when your turn is over you can start to enjoy listening to others awkwardly describing themselves and where they worked before.

There'll be a few surprises too. Like the fella you were sure you recognised as the full back for Glen Rovers last year turns out to be an engineer from Latvia in Cork for the very first time. The oriental looking guy who you thought would have an interesting story is disappointedly called "Tom Kennedy" , turns out to have a grating Waterford accent and worked for a cardboard box company in Wexford. He becomes the eighth person in the room to state his favourite hobby as "reading". Some laugh you'll have with these feens.

9.45am
Once the introductions are over the long haul starts. You will receive exciting 20 minute briefings on scintillating topics such as the company's commercial history, their wonderful VHI scheme, the brand new recycling policy, incredible employee's share purchase plan, lucrative pension funds, how to fill out holiday and over time forms and why the company's founder chose grey as the colour for the company's logo. This will drain every ounce of energy from your brain.

Asking to be excused to go to the toilet (for a wazz) regularly is advisable as you can use the opportunity to nip outside take in some fresh air to prevent your brain from implosion caused by profound boredom

sometime around 10.45 am
Eventually the Amanda's voice will mutate from an annoyingly chirpy one into a background drone blending in with a compressor and drill being used by some contractor just outside the company car park. Struggling to keep your heavy drooping eyes from closing you try to keep your brain active by trying to work out how much you've earned in the hour and forty five minutes you've been there…the only thing to cling to whilst putting up with this drivel. Although there is another way…

Ordinary three-out-of-ten looking old dolls can turn into eight-out-of-tens in two ways. The first is if you're topped up with enough drink and the second is if you are very bored and an exciting day dream is all that is keeping your body and brain from complete shut down. Remember how the most mediocre looking of teachers became the talking point of many a lunch break at school? The tiniest flash of inner thigh supplied enough imaginative material for your day dream to get you through a week of her torturously boring classes.

Now its happening all over again. The modest looking girl at the opposite side of the table who you didn't look twice at when you arrived suddenly becomes the subject of your day dream. Its amazing what your mind will start to do just to keep itself active: with a bit of luck you're both going to be working in the same area so you start thinking that you can get some ground work done at the induction before anyone else in the company has a chance to get their foot in the door. How do the company view relationships between employees? Will you have to keep your relationship secret? If she lives nearer than you to work then you can stay in her gaf all the time…nice one….zzzz

12.55 pm
After record breaking amounts of waffle Amanda announces that its "nearly" time for lunch but she's going to let you out five minutes early "for the heck of it". She hopes you'll think she's kinda cool and that you'll all talk about her politely at lunchtime instead of talking about her offensive body odour and the cheese stain on her skirt. She embarrassingly leads you to the canteen like mother duck and her ducklings so that its clear to every worker that you're all newbies. Just make sure you don't drop your tray. First impressions last.

The lunch break is where you will have to break the ice with some of your new comrades. Placing your tray next to the faces you've been starring across all morning. Safe topics such as the weather, traffic and champions league should get you off to a good start and before long you'll be bitching about what that terrible woman has been putting you through all morning and how awful the rest of the day's induction is going to be.

Next week the company induction course continues: Health and Safety lessons, first aid and company nights out.