help needed..no cheeky replies please

[revalade]

I have not had a dump since Monday and that was only a few rabbit's bobos...my belly is up like a drum and I am tetchy..I can't take that Senacot stuff as it gives me a dreadful sore gut....I have tried eating boiled cabbage,stewed fruit, syrup of figs, prune juice and fechin All Bran.... not even a decent fart....please, no stupid suggestions like sticking barbed things up my congo and raking them about ,or fechin curry enemas..I don't want to go to the doctor as I think he is a sewage canoeist and would be right into sticking the pinky with a cygnet ring on right up my delivery chamber...the other doctor is a slim 40 yearold with perky tits and I would be embarrassed to drop the kecks as I get a full dork every time I see her... also, most of my boxers are a bit faded and droopy.
Any natural remedies by mouth only please?

[Wallace]

Beamish

Sent from my X10i using Tapatalk 2

[Persephone]

You could have someone suck the shit out of your arse

[Michael P Splonk]

might seem a bit unorthadox but have you considered setting up a facebook page?

[revalade]

Originally Posted by Persephone

You could have someone suck the shit out of your arse

fech you, I asked for sensible suggestions.. I am in dire fechin straights here.

[kh1152]

Chemist for laxitives (sp).

Alternatively eat licorice but only a little.

[Persephone]

Originally Posted by revalade

fech you, I asked for sensible suggestions.. I am in dire fechin straights here.

It's probably colon cancer

[Jimmy the Gent]

I don't know if you're pulling the piss but natural laxatives would be grapes and citric fruit juices but seeing as you've already had prune juice it might be a little more serious. Keep drinking plenty of liquids because seeing as you haven't dumped since monday, when you do finally dump its going to be hard and dry and no doubt very painful to excrete. Fybogel is a good option if you decide to go to a pharmacy. Its light on the stomach and should do the job.

[revalade]

Originally Posted by Jimmy the Gent

I don't know if you're pulling the piss but natural laxatives would be grapes and citric fruit juices but seeing as you've already had prune juice it might be a little more serious. Keep drinking plenty of liquids because seeing as you haven't dumped since monday, when you do finally dump its going to be hard and dry and no doubt very painful to excrete. Fybogel is a good option if you decide to go to a pharmacy. Its light on the stomach and should do the job.

thank you Jimmy, a true gent

[Wallace]

Originally Posted by revalade

thank you Jimmy, a true gent

Just go out and have a lash of stout ffs .