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  #31  
Old 08-10-2014, 02:46 PM
Eoin Eoin is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Dublin
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Originally Posted by TonyCork80 View Post
I should have seen the warning signs early on with Clive.

I called him to see if he fancied the move and I got his voicemail

"Hi this is Clive, sorry I can't take your call right now but if you leave your name and number I'll get back to you"

Sorry?

Why the fuck would you apologise for not answering your phone? What kind of a man does that? You shouldnt be on the fucking phone anyway Clive, you should be practising.

I let it go. I knew I'd regret it.

That night when he had his cardiac arrest I knew I was right about one thing : I was right to let him go out on loan to Leicester. He quite literally hadn't the heart for our relegation battle. I had been proven right.
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  #32  
Old 08-10-2014, 02:55 PM
Con Merchant Con Merchant is offline
 
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  #33  
Old 08-10-2014, 02:56 PM
Bunk Bunk is offline
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The last Friday of every month is haircut day in my house. Thresa's orders. I usually get my haircut by an elderly bloke called Alf. He's a good fella. Seen it all. Done it all. A true professional. No half measures. My kinda barber. I show up at his shop. "Alright Alf" I said. "How's it going Roy?". "Grand." I took a seat and picked up a magazine while I waited. FHM or something. I don't know. Who do I see on the cover posing with is trollop of a wife? Ashley fucking Cole. "Alf" I said. "What the fuck is this about? You have a rag with that grinning prick Ashley fucking Cole leering up at your customers. You honestly expect your patrons to read this? This is a fucking joke, Alf." Disgrace. Alf looked rattled. I could see the beads of sweat forming on his 76 year old forehead. Alf had no desire for a confrontation. Coward. "It's only a magazine, Roy." I lost it. "Only a fucking magazine? Who do you think you are? Vidal fucking Sassoon?" Alf was properly scared now. "If it makes you feel better I'll chuck the magazine. Here, look, have some free Brylcreem." "You can stick your magazine and your Brylcreem up your fucking hole. You cunt." I stormed out. Thresa cuts my hair now.
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  #34  
Old 08-10-2014, 03:01 PM
KD Langer KD Langer is offline
 
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Theresa told me this morning that herself and the girls were having a girlie day whatever that is so I'd have to pick young Jack up from school.


I pick Jack up and as we turn the corner he sees mac donalds and says "daddy can we go to macdonalds, please daddy?"

"oh ffs" I think to myself." He's nearly nine, will he ever grow up? Mac fucking donalds. Never got it myself. Plactic seats and populated by the kind of people who live their lives vicariously trying to be involved in a huge mega successful company. wtf do they know about making burgers?"

I remember when it came to Cork in the mid 80's and Mossie and Marie took the whole family to the new restaurant in withrop street. The whole city was buzzing about it, but I remember being unimpressed with the shit meal deal and the stupid fucking toy that broke the second it came out of its wrapper.

I really didn't want to go in but Theresa has been on to me recently to do some male bonding with Jack and It would save me cooking the pasta later.

I'm so fucking sick of pasta.

On first impressions the place didn't seem too bad. It was colourful and packed with families who all seemed to be enjoying themselves. I look up at the menu and see a big mac special for 5 quid so I order two, thinking "not too shabby Roy, only a tenor, maybe I was a bit too grumpy growing up"

So the waitress brings down the order and I see the chips. "you call them fucking chips, I've seen thicker blades of grass at old trafford than those fucking things " i think to myself and I can feel the red mist start to descend. Just then Jack tugs on my arm and looks at me as if to say "not now Dad, please not now". He knows me well, so I take a deep breath and we go to our seats.

I eat one of the chips. Christ, these things are horrible. no fucking potato at all at all. So i open up the burger.

I can't take it anymore.

I march up to the counter where the young wan served me. She looks scared. "do you see that?" I say to her, pointing to the picture of the big mac behind her. She looks up. "now do you see this?" I say showing her my burger. "The one behind you is is big and thick, at least four times the size of this. will ya look at this? It like them wafer thin cut slices of ham" . I see a tear fall down her face and the remorse sets in.

Just then the manager comes over . He about to speak but I cut him off. " you call yourself a manager, over there hiding while leaving your team to take all the flak for you. You're a shit person, you're a shit manager and you're not even irish you english bastard"

"Actually I'm from dublin Roy" he replies.

No fucking wonder this place is so shit , run by dublin cunts. "well how do you explain this gross negligence with the burgers boy. I could have gone to burger king, you know"

Just then out of the corner of my eye I noticed a crowd is watching my every move like I'm back on the pitch. I look at them and they all keep their heads down. Snivelling cunts. "and you people. you just accept this second rate service. Not a leader among you"

"C'mon Jack. We're leaving".

We get home. Jack has stopped crying now. I need to toughen him up.

"daddy I'm hungry" he says as we go in the door.

I go to the cooker and turn on the pasta.
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will you pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease listen to me Neil Prendeville
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  #35  
Old 08-10-2014, 03:58 PM
Rebelred Rebelred is offline
 
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Location: Corcaigh
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It was around the time Inter came sniffing that I started wearing the Diadora boots. Italian leather, proper old school boot that weighed a ton, long studs too for raking down lads shins.

I wanted the gaffer to know I had an interest in all things Italian now. I even bought a fucking Alfa, more trouble than it was worth, fucking Italian heap of shit. But it was a business move and it paid off in the end. Couldn't sell the fucking car after, Theresa's mam took it off us a few years later, gave nothing but trouble.

But Michael had told me Inter were interested, big bucks he said. I knew what Incey had earned for a few years there and knew I was twice the player he was, him and that fucking celebration dance with Giggsy, tossers. So I ditched the Hi-tech for Diadoras, started splashing on some Italian aftershave and bought an Alfa. The Gaffer could sense something was up, especially when I started saying Ciao as I was leaving the training ground. Neither of us had a clue what it meant, but he knew it wasn't good I was learning Italian. I started cooking pasta around then too, haven't stopped since. I hate pasta.

But the fucking blisters from the new boots were a killer. Some young lad from the academy was meant to be cleaning my boots, I had him break them in for me too. Mad him wear them home for a week. He lost a stud one night, so the next morning I shoved the boot up his hole with my foot in it. He never made it either, useless prick.

I got the new contract I wanted from United, but my feet were never the same from the blisters.
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  #36  
Old 08-10-2014, 05:00 PM
BlackpoolTerrier BlackpoolTerrier is offline
 
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December 24th it was. I came down the stairs and checked to see if we have the goods in for tomorrow – if the supply list for the 25th wasn’t right then the boxing day fixture would be a disaster. Checked the back kitchen – no fucking Tanora. Mossy’s laid out on the couch eating Taytos and filling in his pools coupon – “Welcome to Hell” I thought.

“Mam, where’s the Tanora for tomorrow?”

“Your brother was supposed to get it but he forgot, sure we have the 7-Up instead” – dossing cunt, he had one fucking job to do.

“Do you think Jimmy Floyd fucking Hasselbank is drinking fucking 7-Up tomorrow?”

How the fuck can you deliver at Christmas when you don’t look after the detail? I mean the big man in red is coming over tonight. OK his legs are gone but he could do a job for us with his big hair – like Dwight Yorke with his attitude – could get us going. What fucking chance have we with no Tanora?

Right, I’ll fucking get it meself.

Down the hill to Dunnes in Ballyvolane – a modest supermarket with a hell of a lot to be modest about. Over to a spotty Gary Neville lookalike in a tie

“Whassupp?”, he says - bad start

I stare him down and he looks at the floor

“Where’s the fucking Tanora?”

“In the drinks section”

Smart bastard looking down on me like I was on the bottom of his shoe. I can tell he doesn’t want to know. I nut the cunt and move on – can’t be wasting time with a fucking amateur. Round the corner to the fizzy drinks and there’s a slab of Tanora left. Just as I get there an oul’ one comes round the corner and starts to grab it for her trolley.

“Not today ya fuckin’ bitch, I’m havin’ it. I have the fucking hunger”

I steam in with a well placed rubber dolly to make the connection just at the outside of her kneecap – perfect, she goes down in a heap, howling. I only hurt her, didn’t aim to injure her, soft cow. I grab the slab, put it under my arm and lean over her.

“Take that you old bitch, fuckin’ laughing at me and I left with no Tanora, I’ll fucking show you”.

I tip her trolley over and head for the door with the Tanora sorted.

Claus arrives later on that night, big suit on him. Everyone goes on about him like he’s a saint but I knew the cunt at Forest and he’s got an edge to him for sure. A big man over in Lapland with his once-a-year performance but no week-to-week consistency. Drops the presents in the front room and fucks off out the door – doesn’t even hang around to have a drink of Tanora with me. I thought he showed me massive disrespect. Rings me a few days later all apologies, spinning me some shite about having to travel around the world that night for fucks sake.

We lost 2-0 to Avondale on the 26th
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  #37  
Old 08-10-2014, 05:21 PM
delzer delzer is offline
 
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Location: Living in a candy jail Peppermint bars Peanut brittle bunk beds and marshmallow walls
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This could be the greatest thread on the PROC. Some quality posts lads.
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  #38  
Old 08-10-2014, 05:52 PM
CORKBHOY CORKBHOY is offline
 
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Originally Posted by delzer View Post
This could be the greatest thread on the PROC. Some quality posts lads.
It's going to surpass the Rogby translation thread.
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  #39  
Old 08-10-2014, 07:10 PM
Krull Krull is offline
 
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I'm in tears, fucking awesome stuff!
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  #40  
Old 08-10-2014, 07:16 PM
carrig4life carrig4life is offline
 
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Location: loserville
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top stuff lads....
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