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  #1651  
Old 09-02-2018, 09:39 PM
Duffs Duffs is offline
 
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One for the Snowflakes on here:-


During a dull White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson. "I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday.

​That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words! "Very impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words.. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know", replied Melania, “but neither does the parrot."
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  #1652  
Old 23-02-2018, 04:56 PM
Duffs Duffs is offline
 
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"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me-self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.
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  #1653  
Old 24-02-2018, 12:32 AM
Lee Bushwacker Lee Bushwacker is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Duffs View Post
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me-self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.
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ABUs are a sandwich short of a picnic!
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  #1654  
Old 04-03-2018, 10:17 PM
Duffs Duffs is offline
 
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True story.

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but
the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had
brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side
of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

"Your Honour, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes
out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"


DON'T LAUGH...... HE WON!!
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  #1655  
Old 04-03-2018, 10:19 PM
Duffs Duffs is offline
 
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Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on... It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding... I'm in Government too."
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  #1656  
Old 04-03-2018, 10:21 PM
Duffs Duffs is offline
 
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Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Smarties".

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweat shops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
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  #1657  
Old 04-03-2018, 10:42 PM
Donald Trump Donald Trump is offline
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  #1658  
Old 07-03-2018, 11:57 PM
Duffs Duffs is offline
 
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England versus Ireland March 17th 2018, St Patrick’s day at Twickenham.



This may be of interest to you. A friend of mine has 2 tickets in a corporate box for England versus Ireland, 17th March. He paid £300 each but he didn’t realise when he bought them month’s ago that it would coincide with his wedding day.



If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.



It’s at Mary Street Registry Office at 4.30 PM . The bride’s name is Nicola; She’s 5' 4”, about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.
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  #1659  
Old 13-03-2018, 12:44 AM
Duffs Duffs is offline
 
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  #1660  
Old 15-03-2018, 11:29 AM
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60 years together

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today."

Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great. Dad, I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

“It’s nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really
busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.

Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father, "Cheap ones, too. .. ."
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