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  #1641  
Old 19-01-2018, 09:17 PM
Duffs Duffs is offline
 
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Originally Posted by mire View Post
WTF? This is a jokes thread. It's the unfunniest thing I've read.
Quote:
Originally Posted by steve sanders View Post
i think this is some sort of bot that Duffs uses. the jokes are too consistently terrible for it to be done by human hand.
So you can do better.

Don't be shy.

Tell us a joke.

Last edited by Duffs; 19-01-2018 at 09:55 PM..
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  #1642  
Old 22-01-2018, 04:38 PM
Duffs Duffs is offline
 
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Teenagers and cats
* Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
* No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
* You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
* Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen will ever crack a smile.
* No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
* Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
* Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
* Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.
* Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.
* Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
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  #1643  
Old 22-01-2018, 07:06 PM
SoundMan SoundMan is offline
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Originally Posted by Duffs View Post
I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be. He replied, "You moron, you're on my side.”
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  #1644  
Old 22-01-2018, 07:08 PM
SoundMan SoundMan is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Duffs View Post
Teenagers and cats
* Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
* No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
* You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
* Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen will ever crack a smile.
* No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
* Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
* Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
* Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.
* Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.
* Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
Duffs has some great jokes - only pity is sometimes he doesn't post them here, and is trying to be serious
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  #1645  
Old 22-01-2018, 07:23 PM
poulgorm poulgorm is offline
 
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The PC brigade do not like Duff's jokes
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  #1646  
Old 22-01-2018, 07:43 PM
Duffs Duffs is offline
 
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Originally Posted by poulgorm View Post
The PC brigade do not like Duff's jokes
I prefer to call them Snowflakes.
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  #1647  
Old 23-01-2018, 06:24 PM
Lee Bushwacker Lee Bushwacker is offline
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ireland and Europe
Posts: 24,141
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Duffs View Post
Teenagers and cats
* Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
* No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
* You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
* Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen will ever crack a smile.
* No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
* Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
* Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
* Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.
* Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.
* Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
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ABUs are a sandwich short of a picnic!
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  #1648  
Old 09-02-2018, 09:39 PM
Duffs Duffs is offline
 
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Posts: 12,832
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One for the Snowflakes on here:-


During a dull White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson. "I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday.

​That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words! "Very impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words.. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know", replied Melania, “but neither does the parrot."
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  #1649  
Old 23-02-2018, 04:56 PM
Duffs Duffs is offline
 
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Posts: 12,832
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"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me-self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.
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  #1650  
Old 24-02-2018, 12:32 AM
Lee Bushwacker Lee Bushwacker is offline
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ireland and Europe
Posts: 24,141
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Duffs View Post
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me-self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.
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