Fat Tom
12-04-2005, 05:09 PM
Those boys at football365 are hilarious, this is one of the best yet:
Tuesday
Ha ha - I have a foolproof plan to get rid of Silly Billy Philly forever and ever. It's better than any Chinese burn and even better than the time I told Mum he had done a sex wee in the bath wearing her nightie (it was me! :-)).
I took his phone and txtd someone to say that Sir was a 's***house' (I spelt it out properly but I daren't do it here in case Mum finds it). It will be in The Sun tomorrow and then Sir will get rid of Phil forever. Now I just need to get hold of Weasley Brown's Orange (;-)) phone and I will be right-back (the hardest position on the pitch) at the biggest club in the whole wide world forever and ever.
Wednesday
It was in The Sun (with a picture of Phil, who doesn't even have a moustache. He's sooooo ugly) but Sir didn't even see it - he only reads the Racing Post and a magazine about whiskey. And anyway, Sir is letting us bring games in this week instead of doing training because he says it's only Norwich on Saturday. I beat Alan at Buckaroo but lost at Ludo to Wayne, who kept eating all the little pieces.
Thursday
I can't believe the Scousers and Cheating Chelsea won in Europe - though they were playing really, really rubbish teams. The best team in the whole wide world would probably have scored ten goals in both games. And we would definitely have scored 20 goals if we cheated like Chelsea and spent lots and lots and lots of money. If they are jammy and 'win' the Premiership it won't really count. At United we don't count the year that Blackburn 'won' it either, which means that we won five titles in a row! I made a trophy out of cardboard for Sir because the nasty FA wouldn't give us the real one :-(
Friday
Still no invitation to the royal wedding even though I am probably the second most famous person in England. I'm calling a royal strike and am from now on refusing to use anything connected with royalty, which means I've had to give my pocket money back to Mum and I have to buy a franking machine for my fan mail (Sir and David never reply but they're very, very busy).
Sir said we could all go out because we're only playing Norwich tomorrow, so I went to a concert with Paul Scholes. Well, he went and I kind of followed him, but I'm sure he would have invited me if he knew that I like Ocean Colour Scene too. Paul's a really good dancer. I don't like the taste of wine or beer (ugh) so I drunk Red Bull, which was nice but made me feel a bit squiffy. I fell over and a little boy laughed at me. So I held him down and knuckled his head until he said that he would love to have a moustache even half as bushy as mine.
Saturday
Sir's so clever - he made the FA move the Norwich game so he could watch the Grand National in peace. One of the trainees joked yesterday that it was so Ruud could race before the game but I didn't think it was funny so told Sir. He probably won't walk again. Will teach him to laugh at the best striker in the world who is miles better than that bloke at Arse-nal.
Later: It's not fair. Norwich (who are you?) cheated and the referee cheated (as usual) and even though we were miles better they still won. I hope they get relegated because they're just nobodies with a nothing stadium. Sir was right not to talk to the press because they will probably say we were rubbish and we weren't - they just cheated.
Kicked Phil because he was rubbish.
Sunday
Watched Match of the Day and I was right, No-rwich cheated. Watched a video of Dr Who with Phil and he got sticky-out trousers when Billie came on so I flicked it with a rubber band. Spent the rest of the day watching MUTV, who are the only people who are not biased and know that we are still the best team in the whole wide world ever. I was on pretending that I thought we'd let ourselves down against Norwich but I had my fingers crossed so it doesn't count. Mum says I looked handsome and that girls will want to kiss me. But everyone knows girls smell.
Monday
Sir is being very, very clever and attention away from losing (boo) on Saturday by blaming Arsenal for the FA Cup semi-finals being held in Cardiff. He's not happy at all with the Cardiff semis. And I'm not surprised because I've seen Ryan's and it's really not that impressive...
Tuesday
Ha ha - I have a foolproof plan to get rid of Silly Billy Philly forever and ever. It's better than any Chinese burn and even better than the time I told Mum he had done a sex wee in the bath wearing her nightie (it was me! :-)).
I took his phone and txtd someone to say that Sir was a 's***house' (I spelt it out properly but I daren't do it here in case Mum finds it). It will be in The Sun tomorrow and then Sir will get rid of Phil forever. Now I just need to get hold of Weasley Brown's Orange (;-)) phone and I will be right-back (the hardest position on the pitch) at the biggest club in the whole wide world forever and ever.
Wednesday
It was in The Sun (with a picture of Phil, who doesn't even have a moustache. He's sooooo ugly) but Sir didn't even see it - he only reads the Racing Post and a magazine about whiskey. And anyway, Sir is letting us bring games in this week instead of doing training because he says it's only Norwich on Saturday. I beat Alan at Buckaroo but lost at Ludo to Wayne, who kept eating all the little pieces.
Thursday
I can't believe the Scousers and Cheating Chelsea won in Europe - though they were playing really, really rubbish teams. The best team in the whole wide world would probably have scored ten goals in both games. And we would definitely have scored 20 goals if we cheated like Chelsea and spent lots and lots and lots of money. If they are jammy and 'win' the Premiership it won't really count. At United we don't count the year that Blackburn 'won' it either, which means that we won five titles in a row! I made a trophy out of cardboard for Sir because the nasty FA wouldn't give us the real one :-(
Friday
Still no invitation to the royal wedding even though I am probably the second most famous person in England. I'm calling a royal strike and am from now on refusing to use anything connected with royalty, which means I've had to give my pocket money back to Mum and I have to buy a franking machine for my fan mail (Sir and David never reply but they're very, very busy).
Sir said we could all go out because we're only playing Norwich tomorrow, so I went to a concert with Paul Scholes. Well, he went and I kind of followed him, but I'm sure he would have invited me if he knew that I like Ocean Colour Scene too. Paul's a really good dancer. I don't like the taste of wine or beer (ugh) so I drunk Red Bull, which was nice but made me feel a bit squiffy. I fell over and a little boy laughed at me. So I held him down and knuckled his head until he said that he would love to have a moustache even half as bushy as mine.
Saturday
Sir's so clever - he made the FA move the Norwich game so he could watch the Grand National in peace. One of the trainees joked yesterday that it was so Ruud could race before the game but I didn't think it was funny so told Sir. He probably won't walk again. Will teach him to laugh at the best striker in the world who is miles better than that bloke at Arse-nal.
Later: It's not fair. Norwich (who are you?) cheated and the referee cheated (as usual) and even though we were miles better they still won. I hope they get relegated because they're just nobodies with a nothing stadium. Sir was right not to talk to the press because they will probably say we were rubbish and we weren't - they just cheated.
Kicked Phil because he was rubbish.
Sunday
Watched Match of the Day and I was right, No-rwich cheated. Watched a video of Dr Who with Phil and he got sticky-out trousers when Billie came on so I flicked it with a rubber band. Spent the rest of the day watching MUTV, who are the only people who are not biased and know that we are still the best team in the whole wide world ever. I was on pretending that I thought we'd let ourselves down against Norwich but I had my fingers crossed so it doesn't count. Mum says I looked handsome and that girls will want to kiss me. But everyone knows girls smell.
Monday
Sir is being very, very clever and attention away from losing (boo) on Saturday by blaming Arsenal for the FA Cup semi-finals being held in Cardiff. He's not happy at all with the Cardiff semis. And I'm not surprised because I've seen Ryan's and it's really not that impressive...