Jokes thread......

[chipsncheese]

since my dear and beloved jokes thread of 30 pages has disappeared,this new one will replace it.....


> >
> >here is something for you to laugh at...
> >
> >
> >Marriage (Part I)
> >
> >Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after
> the
> >wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I
> want,
> >if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle
> from
> >you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell
> you
> >that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,
> boozing
> >and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you
> give
> >me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
> >His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand
> that
> >there will be s*x here at seven o'clock every night . . .
> whether
> >you're here or not."
> >
> >DAMN SHE'S GOOD!
> >******************* ******************** ****************
> >Marriage (Part II)
> >
> >Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
> >wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm
> getting
> >you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As
> Ever.'"
> >"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
> that
> >reads, "Here Lies My Husband ? Stiff At Last.'"
> >
> >HE ASKED FOR IT!
> >******************* ******************** ****************
> >Marriage (Part III)
> >
> >Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the
> breakfast
> >table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good
> in
> >bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he
> realizes
> >he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She
> comes
> >to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says,
> "What
> >took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in
> bed." "In
> >bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"
> >
> >YUP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!
> >******************* ******************** ****************
> >Marriage (Part IV)
> >
> >A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He
> is so
> >proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of
> Six "
> >in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The
> man
> >decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his
> wife
> >is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice,
> "Shall
> >we go home Mother of six?'" His wife, irritated by her
> husband's lack
> >of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father
> of
> >Four."
> >
> >RIGHT ON, LADY!
> >******************* ******************** ****************
> >
> >"God may have created man before woman but there is always a
> rough
> >draft before the masterpiece."

[chipsncheese]

>
> >Love little kids........
> > >
> > > WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?
> > >
> > > One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
> > > She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put
a
>
> > > Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
> > > "No, I don't," said the little boy.
> > > "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your
> >Mom
> > > before he goes to work."
> > >
> > > Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out!
> > > It's a piece of Ass!"
>

[chipsncheese]

Can you see the moral in this tale?
>
>I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and
so we
>decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my
friends
>encouraged me and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one
thing
>bothering me very much indeed and that one thing was her younger
sister. My
>prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini
skirts
>and low-cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near
me and I
>got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate.
She
>never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister
called
>and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone
>when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and
desires for me
>that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She
told me
>that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married
and
>committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't
say a
>word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want to
go
>ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen
in
>shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top
she
>pulled down her panties and tossed them down to me. I stood there
for a
>moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened
the door
>and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My
future
>father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged
me and
>said, "We are so happy that you have passed our little test. We
couldn't ask
>for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." The moral
of
>this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

[Out da Lough Like]

Liverpool FC.

[Eoin]

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today
when he
challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
awarded
custody to his aunt.
The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and
refused
to live there.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy
cried
out that they beat him more than anyone.
The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have
custody of
him.
Custody was yesterday granted to Liverpool football club as the boy
firmly
believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

[Aphex]

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today
when he
challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
awarded
custody to his aunt.
The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and
refused
to live there.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy
cried
out that they beat him more than anyone.
The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have
custody of
him.
Custody was yesterday granted to Liverpool football club as the boy
firmly
believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

aren't you a pool fan?

down with that sort of thing!

[Eoin]

aren't you a pool fan?

down with that sort of thing!

Yeah, I am.

[##linda##]

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today
when he
challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
awarded
custody to his aunt.
The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and
refused
to live there.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy
cried
out that they beat him more than anyone.
The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have
custody of
him.
Custody was yesterday granted to Liverpool football club as the boy
firmly
believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

aren't you a pool fan?


down with that sort of thing!


careful now :lol: :lol:

[chipsncheese]

Message A radio station in Australia recently ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moments in listener's lives. The following are the final 4
4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgustand annoyancefrom other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's Willie last night!'
The silence was deafening, after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.
3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled
'SURPRISE'
My entire family...aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and Embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checkout chick got on the public address system and boomed out for the entire store to hear 'Price check on laneTAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.' That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently missunderstood the word 'TAMPAX' for'THUMBTACKS' in a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public> address system:
'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU BELT IN WITH A HAMMER?'
1st place
And the winner is........ This one happened at a major Australian University in October last year in a biology lecture, a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female, raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in the male semen as in sugar?'
'That's correct.' Responded the professor, going on to add some statistical data.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?'
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without a word walked out of the class, and never returned. However, as she was going out of the
door,
The professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question.
'IT DOESN'T TASTE SWEET BECAUSE THE TASTE-BUDS FOR SWEETNESS ARE ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE AND NOT IN THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT.'

[chipsncheese]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive",
> > > Saddam decided to send George W. a letter, in his own writing, to let
>him
> > > know that he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it
> >appeared
> > > to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H
> > >
> > > George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and e-mailed it to
> >Colin
> > > Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the
> >CIA.
> > > No one could solve it there, so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and
> >NASA
> > > and the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.
> > > Eventually they asked the Mossad in Israel for help.
> > > Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied:
> > > "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!"

[chipsncheese]

To prepare for his big date, the young man went on top of the roof
of his apartment building in order to get a little color for himself.
Not
wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and
managed to get sunburned on his "tool". Being very determined, the young

man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. So,
he
put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this
should resolve his painful situation. The blonde showed up for the date
at
his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home-cooked dinner,
after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the
movie, however, the young man's sunburned member started acting up.
After
several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused. A friend
had
told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain so he
went
to the kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed
his
sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief. The
blonde,
however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to find
him with his "Johnson" immersed in a glass of milk. With a look of
understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So, THAT'S how you load those
things".

[chipsncheese]

>>At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Limerick
>>bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few
>>beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man
>>walks in and sits eside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the
>>gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say
>>something to the big man. Leaning over, he cups his
>>huge ear. "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At
>>this, the massive Munsterman leaps up with fire in his
>>eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him off
>>the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of
>>the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the
>>car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had
>>happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over
>>another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says."Just what
>>did he say to you?" I'm not sure" the big Limerick man replies."
>>Something about a job."
>>
>>
>>
>>Q. If you see a Limerick man on a bicycle, why should
>>you never swerve to hit him?
>>
>>A: It might be your bicycle
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: What do you call a Limerick man in a three-bed
>>semi?
>>
>>A: A burglar
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Limerick?
>>
>>A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a
>>virgin
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: What's the difference between a man from Limerick
>>and a coconut?
>>
>>A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: What do you say to a Limerick man in a uniform?
>>
>>A: Big Mac and fries please
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: What's the first question at a Limerick pub quiz
>>night ?
>>
>>A: What you looking at?
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: What do you call a native of Limerick in a White
>>Shellsuit ?
>>
>>A: The Bride
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: Why does a river run through Limerick?
>>
>>A: Because if it walked, it would probably get mugged

[boru]

Whats invisible and smells of bananas?




Monkey fart :oops:

[PROClaimer]

why did people in afghanistan only listen to the radio?


















Because of the tellyban.



and no, i'm not gettin a fucking taxi. i'm gonna stay here till :evil: one of ye cunts laughs.

[mouldydrunk]

Ha HA, now get into the fuckin taxi pronto! :wink:

[PROClaimer]

TAXI!


http://www.hotbars.net/pictures/taxi.jpg

[chipsncheese]

ive a very sick one here,i apologise for this now.

whats the best thing about flahing 27 yr olds???

there is 20 of them

[PROClaimer]

ive a very sick one here,i apologise for this now.

whats the best thing about flahing 2 7 yr olds???

there is 20 of them


ha ha fucking excellent my son. :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

[What the Hell]

A man was trying to cross an extremely busy road one day. There was no hope that he was gonna get across. Another man comes up to him and says: "there's a zebra crossing around the corner". Man number 1 then says: "I hope he's having better luck then me!"

Hilarious! :oops:

[chipsncheese]

While I was "flying" down the road this morning (i.e., 10 mph over the
limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a garda siochalony with a radar
gun on the other side laying in wait. The garda pulled me over, walked up to
the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love,
asked, "What's your hurry?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh
yeah," said the garda, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," I
responded. The garda stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what
does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one
finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then
with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and
then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide." "And just
what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" To which I politely replied,
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....." Traffic Ticket:
EUR95.00 Court Costs: EUR45.00 The Look on that Garda's Face: PRICELESS!!! >

[flyinggoldfish]

Little Billy was in school. at the end of the day, the teacher told the class to go home and write about what theyd like to be when they grew up. Billy goes home and writes away, he goes up to his mam and says 'mammy, mammy, teacher told me to write about what i want to be when i grow up and i wanna be a fireman!' Billys mammy shakes her head slowly and says 'dont be a fuckin eejit billy, youve got cancer!!'
:twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

[PROClaimer]

couldnt find the joke thread the other day so i'll give it to yis again:


This bloke walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
'What are you so happy about?' asks the barman.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replied the bloke, 'You know I live by the
railway? Well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to
the tracks, like in them movies. I of course, went and cut her free and
took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored
big
time!'
He continued 'We made love all night, all over the house. We did
everything, doggy style, spoons, me on top, sometimes her on top. I was
totally shagged out this morning !!
'Fantastic,' exclaimed the barman, 'you lucky sod, did you get a
blowjob?'

















'No,' he said 'I never found her head.

[chipsncheese]

couldnt find the joke thread the other day so i'll give it to yis again:

.



this is the new one.my beloved one of 31 pages has vanished forever... :(

[rocky black]

these are shite so sorry. their hillarious wen ur buckled though

what do u call a brainy knacker?

a tinker!

-------------

a brain walks into a bar with a set of jump leads. he goes up to the barman and asks for a pint. barman goes "nah biy, ur obviously outta your head and tryna start something"

----------------

woman walks into a butchers and asks the butcher fot 4 sausages, 2 pieces of black pudding and 6 rashers. the butcher looks at her for a while and asks

"i bet your single"

"why do you think that?" she replied

cos your ugly!

----------------

man walks into a butcher and goes up to the butcher and says "i bet you 100 yo yo you cant touch the meat on the top shelf"

butcher looks at him and says

"sorry biy, stakes are yoo high"

-----------------------------------

sorry :oops:

[Loftydog]

What do you call a donkey with three legs?

A wonkey!!

What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye?

A winkey woney!!

(i'll get my own coat!!)

:wink:

[wunhunglo]

A geezer sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: "Talking Dog for
Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back
garden.
The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting
there.
You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking
pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my
gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years
running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of
medals.
Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The geezer is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten quid."
The bloke says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
so
cheap?"












"Cause he's a fuc*ing liar. He's never done any of that stuff"

[D'oriel]

FOUND IT!

[chipsncheese]

>
> A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job. The
> interviewer asks
> him "are you a veteran?" The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I
> served two
> tours in Vietnam." "Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in
> your
> favour." Do you have any service-related disabilities?
> The guy says, "in fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an
> explosion
> removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it
> doesn't affect my
> ability to work though." Sorry to hear about the damage, but I
> have some
> good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours
> are from 8
> to 4. Come on in about 10 and we'll get you started. " The guy
> says, "if
> working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at
> 10?" "Well,
> here at the Government, we don't do anything but sit around and
> scratch our
> balls for the first two hours. No point of you coming in for
> that."

[boru]

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a...
BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP... behind him...

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an
upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street
towards him...

... BUMP...

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin
bouncing quickly behind him ...

faster...

faster...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.


However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of
the coffin clapping ...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on the heels of the terrified man...

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His
heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in
sobbing gasps...

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and
clapping towards him...

The man screams and reaches for something, anything... but all
he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!...

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin...

.... the coffin stops.

[rocky black]

whats big and white and flies through the forrest??

a fridge

[gedboy]

What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye but who's a gifted pianist?

A winkey wonkey honky tonky donkey.




Coat..........taxi.


I'm outta here.

[chipsncheese]

> A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job. The
> interviewer asks
> him "are you a veteran?" The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I
> served two
> tours in Vietnam." "Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in
> your
> favour." Do you have any service-related disabilities?
> The guy says, "in fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an
> explosion
> removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it
> doesn't affect my
> ability to work though." Sorry to hear about the damage, but I
> have some
> good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours
> are from 8
> to 4. Come on in about 10 and we'll get you started. " The guy
> says, "if
> working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at
> 10?" "Well,
> here at the Government, we don't do anything but sit around and
> scratch our
> balls for the first two hours. No point of you coming in for
> that."

[chipsncheese]

>A young Irish guy moves to Sydney and goes to a
>big department store looking for a job.
>The manager asks, "Do you have any sales
>experience?"
>The kid: "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
>Well, the manager liked the kid, so he gave him
>the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how
>you did."
>
>His first day on the job was rough but he got
>through it.
>After the store was locked up, the manager came
>down. "How many sales did you make today?"
>The kid says, "One."
>The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people
>average 20 or 30 sales a day.
>How much was the sale for?"
>The kid says, "$101,237.64."
>The manager exclaims, "$101,237.64? what did you
>sell him?"
>The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish
>hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish
>hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was
>going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was
>gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat
>department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said
>he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
>automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."
>The manager says, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook
>and you sold him a boat and truck?!"
>The kid, "No no no, he came in here to buy a box
>of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's
>f........, you might as well go fishing."

[chipsncheese]

>
>Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
>pearly gates.
>In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
>possess
>something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
>The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
>He
>flicked it on. "It represents a candle" he said.
>You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
>The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
>He
>shook them and said, "They're bells" .
>Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
>The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
>finally
>pulled out a pair of women's panties.
>St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
>what
>do those symbolize?"
>The man replied............
>WAIT FOR IT
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
>
>"They're Carols".

[chipsncheese]

an old one but sure what harm

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of


them
are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " So you're a


man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for


the
rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely,
this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "and
look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely


demolished
but
this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this


wine
and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the


man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the
bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the
bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to


the
man.
The
man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think


I'll
just wait for the police.... "MORAL OF THE STORY:Women are clever,


evil
bitches. Don't mess with them!

[##linda##]

> > Paul McCartney is doing his Christmas shopping, and decides to buy
> >
> > Heather a new artificial leg - He wraps it up, takes it home and
> hides
> it
> > in the wardrobe. However, Heather is doing her housework a couple
of
> days
> > later, and she finds it - So she phones up Paul, and says "That's
> really
> > nice of you, but I hope it's not my MAIN Christmas present ?" Paul
> says :-
> > ?
> >
> >
> > ?
> >
> >
> > ?
> >
> >
> > ?
> >
> >
> > ?
> >
> >
> > ?
> >
> >
> > ?
> >
> >
> > ?
> >
> >
> >
> > ?
> >
> >
> >
> > "No no no, it's just a stocking filler"

[PROClaimer]

what goes clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, BANG BANG, clip clop, clip clop?



















Limerick drive-by

[D'oriel]

:lol: :lol:

[stonerette]

this isn't really a joke but... :D

Only in Ireland...
Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Ireland...
Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

3 Irish have died testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Irish were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Irish are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.

13 Irish have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy lights were plugged in.

Irish Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys
pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Irish had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Irish were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Irish were injured last year in accidents involving out of control
Scalextric cars.

AND finally.........

In 2000, 8 Irish cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet!

[HangSang'ich]

[quote="stonerette"]this isn't really a joke but... :D

58 Irish are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.
quote]

I managed to do this

[Bookworm]

Dunno if this has been posted before but here it is anyway :

This family is driving through town. The son looks
over the seat and asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for
us guys to notice all the different kind of breasts?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well,sure son, we
of breasts...depending on a woman's age In her
twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and
firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears,
still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are
like onions." "Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and
they make you cry...."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks their mother,
"Mom, how many kind of pen **** s are there?" The
mother, delighted to have equal time, answers,
"Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, a man's pe ** s is like an oak,
mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is
like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his
fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas
tree?"
"Yep,all dried up and the balls are only there for
decoration."

[Bookworm]

And another :

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in
Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class
section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to
see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she's paid
for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in
the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm
going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells
the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo
sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and
won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to
explain that because she only paid for economy she is
only entitled to an economy seat and she will have to
leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm
going to Melbourne and I' m staying right here!"

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was
no use and that he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman
that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle
this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and
she says "Oh, I'm sorry- I had no idea," gets up and
moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked
him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The Pilot replied " I told her First Class isn't going
to Melbourne"

[chipsncheese]

The England team's training session was delayed this morning for nearly two
hours at Telstra Stadium.

One of the players, while on his way back to the dressing room happened to
look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance
at the end of the field.

Coach Clive Woodward immediately suspended practice while the Police were
called in to investigate.

After a field analysis, the Police determined that the white substance,
unknown to the English players, was the try line.

Practice was resumed when the officials decided that it was unlikely that
the team
would encounter the substance again.

[quasi]

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under
his arm. The dog is wearing a England rugby
jersey and is festooned with England pom-poms.


The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to leave."


The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're
both big fans, the TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we can see the game."

After securing a promise that the dog will
behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The big game begins with the poms receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at the 22, and kick a penalty goal.

Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've seen! What does the dog do if they score a try?"

The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only
had him for three years."

[The Goldie Fish]

>>At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Limerick
>>bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few
>>beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man
>>walks in and sits eside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the
>>gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say
>>something to the big man. Leaning over, he cups his
>>huge ear. "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At
>>this, the massive Munsterman leaps up with fire in his
>>eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him off
>>the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of
>>the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the
>>car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had
>>happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over
>>another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says."Just what

>>did he say to you?" I'm not sure" the big Limerick man replies."
>>Something about a job."
>>
>>
>>
>>Q. If you see a Limerick man on a bicycle, why should
>>you never swerve to hit him?
>>
>>A: It might be your bicycle
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: What do you call a Limerick man in a three-bed
>>semi?
>>
>>A: A burglar
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Limerick?
>>
>>A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a
>>virgin
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: What's the difference between a man from Limerick
>>and a coconut?
>>
>>A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: What do you say to a Limerick man in a uniform?
>>
>>A: Big Mac and fries please
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: What's the first question at a Limerick pub quiz
>>night ?
>>
>>A: What you looking at?
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: What do you call a native of Limerick in a White
>>Shellsuit ?
>>
>>A: The Bride
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: Why does a river run through Limerick?
>>
>>A: Because if it walked, it would probably get mugged

[The Goldie Fish]

A recruit pln in Clonmel one time back in the 70s bought a parrot as a platoon mascot. The parrot resided quite happily for 6 months or so on the landing of the North Block where he had the full benefit of the Orderly Sgt's banter every day.

Eventually the platoon passed out and went their separate waysand unable to find an owner for the bird, they sold it back to the pet shop. A week or so later a little old lady bought the parrot, delighted it had already learned to talk. Imagine he horror when the parrot started screeching at daybreak next morning,

"Get the fuck out of bed now. Hands of cocks, get on yer socks. You shower of wankers broke your mothers' heart but you won't break mine. Fall in downstairs in five minutes were going for a fuckin run ladies." And so on through the day the parrot ran through the entire manual of foot drill and arms drill with some colourful additions.

And then in the afternoon the Parish Priest called round, to be greeted with "Fuck me it's the devil chaser. Mind your fuckin language there O'Toole you heathen bastard."

The old lady broke down in tears of embarrassment. There's only one cure for him says the priest, a short, sharp shock. When he starts in the morning pour a bucket of cold water over the cage and that will cure his bad language advised the padre.

Next morning at dawn the parrot started to screech-"Fall the fuck in downstairs on the fuckin double"-interrupted by a deluge of ice cold water............... ............
"and bring your fuckin ponchos it's pissing rain outside."

[PROClaimer]

>A confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very
>attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks
at
>his watch for a moment.
>
>
>
>The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
>
>
>
>"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I
was
>just testing it."
>
>
>
>The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? "What's so
special
>about it?"
>
>
>
>Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
>
>
>
>The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
>
>
>
>"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
>
>
>
>The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing
>panties!"
>
>
>
>Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

[chipsncheese]

an oldie but still good........



"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7."
David Beckham


"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the
league."
Mark Viduka


"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's
the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager
I've ever had."
David Beckham


"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed
at the end of the day."
Neville Southall


"I've had 14 bookings this season 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which
were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne


"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully
after that as well."
Alan Shearer


"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
Mark Draper


"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but
let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester."
Stan Collymore


"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the
screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My
first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there
playing."
Ade Akinbiyi


"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright


"I'm as happy as I can be but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu


"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live
in Middlesborough."
Jonathan Woodgate


"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce


"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
Lee Hendrie


"I couldn't settle in Italy it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush


"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out
there today.."
Steve Lomas


"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right
sock."
Barry Venison


"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what
religion yet."
David Beckham


"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more
European."
Phil Neville


"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas


"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer


"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles


"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry

[chipsncheese]

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in
a very secluded, rural area of the state.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He
noticed a film-like substance on his plate and
questioned his grandfather.......


"are these plates clean?"


His grandfather replied...."those plates are as
clean as cold water can get them, so go on and
finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating
the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he
noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate,
and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes....


so he asked again...."Are you sure these plates are
clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the
grandfather says......"I told you before, those dishes
are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask
me about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, as he was
on his way out to get the paper, the dog started to
growl and would not let him pass.......


"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out," he complained.
Without diverting his attention from the football game,
his Grandfather shouted......"Coldwater, Move!"

[waddit]

As a pig ignorant git with no sense of humor I find this thread pointless and want it taken down now as I find it offensive.
I'm going now, Bye.

[chipsncheese]

The Phone Call


(((((((((((((((( ring )))))))))))))))

((((((((((( ring-g-g-g-g)))))))))))



***pick up***

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle
Frank, honey!"

"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"

"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do.

Put down the phone,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and,
shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank, that Daddy's car's just pulled up


outside
the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went
flying out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"


"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared
and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool ... but he
must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean
it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real
dead too."



***long pause***










***more pause****








Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"

[chipsncheese]

> > > >Anto and Decco are walking home after a night on the piss.
> > > > >They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over
> the
> > >place
> > >
> > > > >when they find themselves outside the bus depot. Anto has a
> > > > >brainwave and says to Decco "Get in there and steal a bus so we
> can
> > > > >drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the Garda".
> > > > >
> > > > >Decco duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes
> > > > >while Anto is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Anto
> > > > >sticks his head around the door and sees Decco running from bus
> to
> > > > >bus to bus looking very worried.
> > > > >
> > > > >"What the bleedin' hell are you doing Decco, get a move on!"
> > > > > to which Decco replies "I can! 't find a number 65A anywhere
> Anto"
> > > > >whereupon Anto, holding his hands to his head in disbelief,
> > > > > shouts
> > > > >"You f##king idiot Decco, steal a number 65C and we'll get off at
> > > > >Dunnes and walk the rest of the way"

[chipsncheese]

>>>
>>>1. Why did God create woman?
>>>To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
>>>
>>>2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true
>>>love?
>>>The swallow
>>>3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
>>>Phone her.
>>>4. Why do women fake orgasms?
>>>Because they think men care.
>>>
>>>5. What is the definition of making love?
>>>Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
>>>6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
>>>Slow down and use a lubricant.
>>>7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
>>>Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes her hole weak.
>>>8. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
>>>None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.
>>>9. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and
>>>B.S.E?
>>>One's mad cow disease; the other's an agricultural problem.
>>>
>>>10. Why does the bride always wear white?
>>>Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
>>>refrigerator.
>>>
>>>11. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
>>>Nothing, she's been told twice already.
>>>
>>>12. How many men does it take to open a beer?
>>>None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
>>>
>>>13. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you,
>>>what
>>>have
>>>you done wrong?
>>>Made her chain too long.
>>>14. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
>>>Marry it!
>>>
>>>15. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
>>>A battery has a positive side.
>>>16. What are the three fastest means of communication?
>>>1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman
>>>
>>>17. Why do hunters make the best lovers? >
>>>Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once, and they
>>>eat
>>>what
>>>they shoot.
>>>
>>>18. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
>>>They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
>>>
>>>19. What should you give a woman who has everything?
>>>A man to show her how to work it.
>>>
>>>20. How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
>>>They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end
>>>you
>>>lose
>>>your house.
>>>
>>>21. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
>>>She knows she's given her last blowjob.
>>>
>>>22. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
>>>A whore sleeps with everyone at the party while bitch sleeps
>>>with
>>>everyone at the party except you.
>>>
>>>23.What's the difference between your wife and your job?
>>>After 10 years the job still sucks.
>>>24. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing
>>>off?
>>>Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
>>>
>>>25. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called
>>>a
>>>waist?
>>>Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
>>>
>>>26. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
>>>When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.
>>>
>>>27. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
>>>Put a nipple on it.
>>>
>>>28. Why did the woman cross the road?
>>>What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?
>>>
>>>29. Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
>>>cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.
>>>
>>>30. How is a woman like a condom?
>>>Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

[bosco]

Cavan : filthy, ignorant hillbillies, puritanical papists.
Hobbies: Discovering IRA ammo dumps and knitting black balaclavas.

Kerry : stupid but loveable.
Hobbies: Gaelic football, scraping pig foetus off their wellies and chain-smoking

Wicklow north : sports car driving country snobs (Greystones, Enniskerry)
Hobbies: Sticking their noses in the air and referring to themselves as"one"

Wicklow south : sheep shaggers.
Hobbies: Sitting in field with their neighbours and talking about the "banjaxed hydraulics on the JCB", collecting the dole

Dublin north : criminals, drug dealers and factory workers, easy women, unmarried mothers, skinheads and all-round examples of human waste.
Hobbies: Heroin and watching serials numbers being filed off stolen BWM's, doing hand-breakers.

Dublin south : west Brits, snobs, rich, easy glamorous women.
Hobbies:Depok Shropa. colonic irrigation and sleeping with their bestfriends spouse

Limerick : violent, racist scum of the earth, plays rugby,knife-wielding prostitutes.
Hobbies: stabbing each other with screwdrivers and then complaining about their city's bad reputation.

Donegal : looks down on all-others, aloof.
Hobbies: Turing their noses up at all and sundry

Cork : jealous of Dubliners, highly-sexualised women.
Hobbies: Standing at the side of the Motorway and making smug faces at the cars with Dublin plates

Tipperary : beautiful pristine girls, but hard to get into bed but worth it if you can because that County does not have two different Ridings for nothing!
Hobbies: Getting a flat in Dublin and losing their accents and hoping their parents do not find out.

Meath : Dublin wannabe's.
Hobbies: Beating Dublin at GAA and hoping that one day somebody in Dublin actually noticing

Galway City : sophisticated boggers could be mistaken for a South Dubliner, sexually adventurous, cultured and wealthy.
Hobbies: Teaching sex acrobatics to foreign tourists, dropping acid, paying a million pounds for a three-bedroom suburban house and pretending it was a bargain.

Kildare : alcoholics.
Hobbies: Walking up in barns with a bottle on one side and hatchet-faced Biddy on the other.

Mayo : Depressing, defeatist, negative, misery-laden losers, emigrates as soon as the umbilical chord is cut. Usually gets killed in a construction site mishap before he is 21.
Hobbies: Dropping a lighted cigarette on his mattress and then being burned alive in a Cricklewood boarding house so he can have his remains flown back to Knock Airport for burial.

Louth : IRA supporters, smugglers and bandits, beautiful girls (Dundalk).
Hobbies: Tearing trough Castleblaney at 125MPH trying to stop the boxes of cheap vodka from falling out the window.

Waterford : decent honest hard-workers generally good folks.
Hobbies: Calling a strike

Clare : fiddle playing charming simpletons and more recently, neo-Nazis.
Hobbies: Falling into pot-holes and being never heard from ever again

Sligo : go-getters, strong sense of free enterprise, likes to make cash.
Hobbies: get rich and b*llix to everything else

Kilkenny : harmless innocent alcoholics.
Hobbies: Sending their only son to fashion college in Dublin and then wondering why he never brings girls home and why he is always looking in the Brown Thomas catalogue?

Carlow : who cares?
Hobbies: Move to Dublin and then best forgotten about

Offaly : mad for playing sports and having fun, generally liked.
Hobbies: To win a pub

Longford : Gombeen men
Hobbies: Legalizing bestiality

Laois : the real boggers and proud of it generally held in high esteem by Dubliners.
Hobbies: Living a honest life and collected EU development grants

Westmeath : Mysterious boggers, cryptic.
Hobbies: Try unsuccessfully, to get noticed

Wexford : selling their "home-grown" organic fruit (bought at supermarket that morning) at the side of the road in summer and ripping-off gullible Dubliners out for a drive in the country.
Hobbies: Ripping off tourists is more than enough

[Keano]

Dear Technical Support

18 months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,
which

I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are
apparently

conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to
try and

run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
other

applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy
6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and
left

a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several

weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the
same

time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each
other,

they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this

product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does
come

bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be
very

unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically
stored

in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced
months

later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter,
and

can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter
products
have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,

requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express
which

needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns
unwelcome

child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of
the

new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal
operation.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it
often

crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called
MotherInLaw,

which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could
be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife
1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself.

Any ideas?

[RespectableCriminal]

Wicklow north : sports car driving country snobs (Greystones, Enniskerry)
Hobbies: Sticking their noses in the air and referring to themselves as"one"





Dublin south : west Brits, snobs, rich, easy glamorous women.
Hobbies:Depok Shropa. colonic irrigation and sleeping with their bestfriends spouse



Whoever thought this up obviously does not move in the same circles as I do in The WicklowNorth/DublinSoth area.

[mouldydrunk]

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0XQDYAvoduqu2BqRfPHZ dJ*rAPm3cwZaE9Yw*LzD WYI62lyWPIfdImH34OrD 8YF2x6M*230g6mXuroun giC2aORGVrwUTRWzllCz MnW7gJEhjE!MOQ1iZm84 7CzsckpBjlJocZa6A3ME/Bush-Saddam-Osama-Stoned.gif?dc=467544 9057463861184

[norrie rugger head]

what have michael jackson and santa got in common??
















they both leave the childrens room with an empty sac

[mouldydrunk]

when caving goes wrong

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0RADOAvMT6JsMjTZcIhf XJ9COxnXT5nFOJ2rwLx5 O1n0tmxvBswOOcBNCIb! YuHBHFVd!eLF7YI1c1sa mrB7!LOUrCyC2ARc4ZYf Rmlx2Ud8/CAVING.GIF?dc=467544 9041462567613

[yaminxya]

Bosco! Do the Six! Please.

[mouldydrunk]

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0RAADAxwVRuHcKWQQ!94 CzqKga25kRia7htX!L7u BVJQDDUJ5UAR4DAt6*hs xqH1EZQo8a0CCOHhRTRv B9J1kUARrEdlyfJW2u4b 9Rd9gVNw/dbeck.jpg?dc=4675449 041989348533

[charlene]

bloody brilliant ha ha ha. right now im supposed to be doing my advertising exam but this is definitely better... i love cork ppl
:D

[quasi]

In the absence of chips



Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want". The first nun says "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone. The second says "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone. The third says "I want to be Sara Pipalini". St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men'!"

[quasi]

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

[*Donna*]

Got a new car radio...
you shout soul, it plays soul...

you shout rock it plays rock...

Some kids ran in front of my car the other day and i shouted
"FUCKING KIDS"

It played Michael Jackson!!!!!!!!!!!

[Recon]

A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f**king
bread,
ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating
bast**d bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?

[setane]

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today
when he
challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
awarded
custody to his aunt.
The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and
refused
to live there.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy
cried
out that they beat him more than anyone.
The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have
custody of
him.
Custody was yesterday granted to Liverpool football club as the boy
firmly
believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

aren't you a pool fan?

down with that sort of thing!

careful now (fr. ted)

[setane]

The seven dwarfs went on holidays to the vatican, and one day they get a chance to meet the pope.
One by one, they meet the pope and get blessed by him. Finally Dopey comes up and gets blessed. before he goes, he turns around:

"sorry, your grace, I was just wonderin if you could help me, I've a question I need to ask you."
"go on", the pope said.
Dopey continued: "Thanks, well I was just wonderin if there are any Dwarf-Nuns in italy.... are there any?
The pope took some time out to think before replying:
"No, I'm sure there are no Dwarf-Nuns in Italy."
A drop of sweat fell from Dopey's face, he looked worried. After a few seconds, he turned back:
"Sorry to bother you again, I was just wonderin if there are any Dwarf-Nuns in Europe.... any at all."
The pope called in several bishops, and was in deep conversation with them for a few minutes. Then they left. The pope turned to Dopey:
"I'm sorry, but there are no Dwarf-Nuns in Europe, none at all??!"
Dopey turned to leave, and saw the other six Dwarves sniggering between themselves, some in hysterics.
He turned back:
"Sorry to bother you again, your grace, I've just one more question to ask you, Are there any Dwarf-Nuns in the world???"
The pope looked a small bit pissed off, but decided that he might as well help poor dopey out. He gathered all the bishops from the vatican and was in deep conversation with them for over an hour, before he returned.
"I'm sorry, but there are no Dwarf-Nuns in the world, none anywhere."
Dopey went red in the face.
The six others were in knots, rolling around the ground. The pope turned to them and asked:
"What's going on???"
The six others replied:

"Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a Penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!!!!"

[goosed]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?



Christopher Walken.

[setane]

What's the fastest game in the world?

Pass the parcel in Belfast.

Ha Ha Boom Boom :lol: :lol: :D :lol: :lol:

[mouldydrunk]

*bump*

[mouldydrunk]

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One
says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood." "We're new here,"
says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd
better wait until the other bats go with us." The first bat replies, "Who
needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood. The second bat says excitedly,
"Where did you get the blood?" The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth
of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building
over there?" "Yes," the other bat answers. "Well," says the first bat, "I
didn't."

[chipsncheese]

> This family is driving through town. The son looks over the seat and
asks
> his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different
kind of
> breasts?"
>
> Surprised, the father answers, "Well,sure son, we wouldn't be normal
> if we didn't....there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a
woman's
> age. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and
firm.
In
> her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
bit.
> After fifty, they are like onions."
>
> "Onions, Dad?"
>
> "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."
>
> Not to be outdone, his sister asks their mother, "Mom,how many kind
> of pen**s' are there?"
>
> The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers,
> "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, a
&g! t; man's pe**s is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and
forties,
> it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is
like a
> Christmas tree."
>
> "A Christmas tree?"
>
> "Yep,all dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."

[chipsncheese]

> >>>The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an

> >>>audience, and as they are "THE" Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see
> >>the
> >>>Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
> >>>"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
> >>>Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
> >>>Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a
> >>>moment
> >>>and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
> >>>
> >>>In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around
> >>and
> >>>gives them a glare, silencing them.
> >>>
> >>>Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
> >>>Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then
> >>>answers, "Dopey, there
> >>>are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
> >>>
> >>>This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,
> >>>Dopey
> >>>turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
> >>>
> >>>Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf
> >>nuns
> >>>any where in
> >>>the world?" After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm
> >>>sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
> >>>
> >>>The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the
> >>>floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting......
> >>>"Dopey sh**ged a penguin!"
> >>>"Dopey sh**ged a penguin!"

[PROClaimer]

i'm taking no responsibility for this. merely passin it on.











whats worse than michael jackson sleeping with your kids?














Ian huntly giving them a bath

[mouldydrunk]

who the fawk is ian huntley?

[Bambi]

who the fawk is ian huntley?

Where have you been? The 2 little girls that were murdered in England last year, the trial is on at the moment.

[sooz1]

who the fawk is ian huntley?

:shock:

Just how mouldy drunk have you been for the last year and a half?

And that's not exactly the funniest joke ever...

Yours wasn't exactly a rib tickler either....

[setane]

> >>>The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an

> >>>audience, and as they are "THE" Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see
> >>the
> >>>Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
> >>>"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
> >>>Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
> >>>Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a
> >>>moment
> >>>and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
> >>>
> >>>In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around
> >>and
> >>>gives them a glare, silencing them.
> >>>
> >>>Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
> >>>Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then
> >>>answers, "Dopey, there
> >>>are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
> >>>
> >>>This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,
> >>>Dopey
> >>>turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
> >>>
> >>>Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf
> >>nuns
> >>>any where in
> >>>the world?" After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm
> >>>sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
> >>>
> >>>The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the
> >>>floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting......
> >>>"Dopey sh**ged a penguin!"
> >>>"Dopey sh**ged a penguin!"

hope you looked three posts up, where d nearly exaxt same joke is posted!!! :x :x

class joke tho :P :P :P

[mouldydrunk]

who the fawk is ian huntley?

:shock:

Just how mouldy drunk have you been for the last year and a half?

And that's not exactly the funniest joke ever...

Yours wasn't exactly a rib tickler either....

I live in a media vacuum, in the miggle of nowhere in germany

so I'LL ... REPEAT:::THE:::QUEST ION:::SLOWLY

WHO THE FAWK IS IAN HUNTLEY?

[setane]

who the fawk is ian huntley?

:shock:

Just how mouldy drunk have you been for the last year and a half?

And that's not exactly the funniest joke ever...

Yours wasn't exactly a rib tickler either....

i never said mine was funny innit

so I'LL ... REPEAT:::THE:::QUEST ION:::SLOWLY

WHO THE FAWK IS IAN HUNTLEYß

basically, he's the man responsible for the death of two young girls in Soham, England. I dont even want to know the full story, its fairly graphic an sick, but I do know that he burned their bodies after killing them.
A sick, twisted man, who should pay for what he has done. Now, please lets not speak of it again on this board.

[RaZaHberry]

WHO THE FAWK IS IAN HUNTLEY?[/quote]
Aug 4th 2002 two girls went missing in England. Bodies were later found, badly burned. Ian Huntley, caretaker at local school, is on trial for the murders. He claims one of the girls had a nose bleed and when he was helping her to wash off the blood she slipped and fell in the bath and drowned, by accident. As her friend screamed and he held his hand over her mouth and accidently smothered her. Short answer.

[mouldydrunk]

nice one

and theres more


I woke up this morning, and there were all planes at the top of the stairs.






I'd left the landing lights on...









*groan* coats on

[Rhetoric]

Hello and welcome to Doctor Crotty’s office.
If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, please stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you are anxious just start pressing numbers at random.
If you have amnesia, press 9. State your name, address, phone number and date of birth.

[ROXY]

A man suspects his wife is cheating so he hires a Chinese Detective, Chen Lee, to reports any activities while he's away. Days later he receives the following report:

Most honourable sir,

U leave house
I watch house
He come to house
I watch
He n she go in hotel
I climb tree
I look in window
He kiss she
She kiss he
He strip she
she strip he
He play with she
She play with he
I play with me
I fall off tree
No fee,
Chen Lee

[ROXY]

A man suspects his wife is cheating so he hires a Chinese Detective, Chen Lee, to reports any activities while he's away. Days later he receives the following report:

Most honourable sir,

U leave house
I watch house
He come to house
I watch
He n she go in hotel
I climb tree
I look in window
He kiss she
She kiss he
He strip she
she strip he
He play with she
She play with he
I play with me
I fall off tree
No fee,
Chen Lee



:?

[Out da Lough Like]

Did he *ahem* twice or something?

[ROXY]

It's my fucking computer, it's been happening all day, like a cyber-stutter or something :roll:

[migdet]

what do a sub and boners have in common :?:

Their both long hard and full of seimen[/b]

[chipsncheese]

> > > > >Loyal GAA Supporter ....

> > > > >

> > > > >A primary teacher starts a new job at a school inNorth Tipp and,

> > > > >trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her

> > > > >class that she is a Tipp fan.

> > > > >

> > > > >She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Tipp

> > > > >fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little

> > > > >girl.

> > > > >

> > > > >The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why

> > > > >didn't you raise your hand?"

> > > > >

> > > > >"Because I'm not a Tipp fan," she replied.

> > > > >

> > > > >The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Tipp fan,

> >

> > > > >then who are you a fan of?"

> > > > >

> > > > >"I'm aClare fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

> > > > >

> > > > >The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are

> > > > >you aClare fan?"

> > > > >

> > > > >"Because my Mum and Dad are fromClare, and my mum is a Clare fan

> >and my dad is aClare fan, so I'm a Clare fan too!"



>"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no

>reason for you to be aClare fan. You don't have to be just like

>your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and



> >your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

>"Then, I'd be aLimerick fan."

[chipsncheese]

>
>
>
> A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job. The
> interviewer asks
> him "are you a veteran?" The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I
> served two
> tours in Vietnam." "Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in
> your
> favour." Do you have any service-related disabilities?
> The guy says, "in fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an
> explosion
> removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it
> doesn't affect my
> ability to work though." Sorry to hear about the damage, but I
> have some
> good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours
> are from 8
> to 4. Come on in about 10 and we'll get you started. " The guy
> says, "if
> working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at
> 10?" "Well,
> here at the Government, we don't do anything but sit around and
> scratch our
> balls for the first two hours. No point of you coming in for
> that."

[chipsncheese]

>
> > > A nun is on her way somewhere in a taxi. The driver keeps on
> > > looking at her in the rear-view mirror. She asks him why is he
> > > staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't
>want
> > to
> > > offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When
> > > you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you
>get a
> > > chance to see and hear
> > > just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
> > > could say or
> > > ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy
>to
> > > have a nun perform oral sex on me." She responds, "Well,
> > > let's see what we can do about that:
> > >
> > > 1: you have to be single and
> > > 2: you must be Catholic.
> > >
> > > The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm
> > > Catholic too"The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley. He
> > > does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on
>the
> > > road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, why are you
>crying?"
> > > "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess,
> > > I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK., my name
> > > is Kevin, I'm gay and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."

[Mr. R.M. Keane]

Whats long & thin
covered in skin
pink in parts
& shoved in tarts









RHUBARB

[mouldydrunk]

http://www.allstylenoconten t.com/images/brown.jpg



http://www.allstylenoconten t.com/images/swallowing.jpg

[mouldydrunk]

http://eclectech.co.uk/b3ta/chimney.gif

[mouldydrunk]

arsebiscuits

[fitz69]

2 fish in a tank 1 turns 2 da other and says how do u drive dis thing

[fitz69]

c h oiuj jov iokf sl;

[mouldydrunk]

Rabbi and Priest

A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

[mouldydrunk]

http://members.lycos.co.uk/richardgraham99/vegetarian.JPG


vegetarians nightmare :lol:

[chipsncheese]

BOO!!

[mouldydrunk]

I hate the wan in this ad, oul cuntyface on the phone to her friend *slap*

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0SwB0GbMXxaNQWFM2XHA oMQ7ltLG!BK!XlNDdf1n *jX5lt6wcEqztW80sKv8 RYSU0VAHM3fVqjUj8JOP ZrzrA09c3AFY8bBnME3W N7KobN!T3PenM3tP77A/oldelpaso.gif?dc=467 5411399063610854

[chipsncheese]

>
> > > Why We Love Children
> > >
> > > 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
> > > dead.
> > > "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
> > > "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
> > > innocently.
> > > You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
> > > "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
> > > didn't
> > > move."
> > >
> > > 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
> > > Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
> > > "What?"
> > > "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
> > > "No, You had your chance. Lights out."
> > > Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
> > > "WHAT?"
> > > "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
> > > I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
> > > Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
> > > "WHAT!"
> > > "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
> > >
> > >
> > > 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
> > > finally
> > > asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
> > > The boy thought it over and said,
> > > "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
> > > until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

[chipsncheese]

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw

Q: What do you say to a Norry in a uniform?
A: Big Mac and fries please.

Q: What's the first question at a Norry pub quiz night?
A: What are you looking at?

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Cork?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever

Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: Why is being in the Military like oral sex?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the more excited you feel.

Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A Bingo Machine.

Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could have sex too.

Q: What three two-letter words mean small?
A: "Is It In?"

Q: What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
A: Men miss them all.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A Pimp.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

[chipsncheese]

>> > > The Might of the Irish
>> > >
>> > > Paddy was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a café
>> > > when
>> >an
>> > > English tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. Paddy politely
>> > > ignored the Englishman, who, nevertheless, started up a
conversation.
>> > > The English man snapped his gum and said, "Do you Irish people Eat
the
>> > > whole bread?" Paddy frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his
>> > > breakfast,and replied,
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > "Of course."
>> > > The Englishman blew a huge bubble.
>> > > "We don't. In England, we only eat what's inside. We collect the
>> > > crusts in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants
>> > > and sell them to Ireland." The Englishman had a smirk on his face.
>> > > Paddy listened in silence. The Englishman persisted.
>> > > "Do you eat jam with the bread?"
>> > > Sighing, Paddy replied, "Of course."
>> > > Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Englishman said,
>> > > "We don't. In England, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put
>all
>> > > the peels, seeds,and leftovers in containers, recycle them,transform
>> >them
>> > > into jam
>> > > and sell it to Ireland."
>> > > Paddy then asked,
>> > > "Do you have se*x in England?" The Englishman smiled and said,
>> > > "Why of course we do." Paddy leaned closer to him and asked,"And
what
>do
>> > > you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away,
>of
>> > > course."
>> > > Now it was Paddy's turn to smile. "We don't. In Ireland, we put them
>in
>> >a
>> > > container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell
them
>> >to
>> > > England.
>> > > "Why do you think it's called Wrigley's.

[chipsncheese]

This family is driving through town. The son looks over the seat and
asks
> his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different
kind of
> breasts?"
>
> Surprised, the father answers, "Well,sure son, we wouldn't be normal
> if we didn't....there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a
woman's
> age. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and
firm.
In
> her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
bit.
> After fifty, they are like onions."
>
> "Onions, Dad?"
>
> "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."
>
> Not to be outdone, his sister asks their mother, "Mom,how many kind
> of pen**s' are there?"
>
> The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers,
> "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, a
&g! t; man's pe**s is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and
forties,
> it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is
like a
> Christmas tree."
>
> "A Christmas tree?"
>
> "Yep,all dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."

[sooz1]

The road to enlightenment - the teachings of Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact just bugger off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

[Idaly1]

who the fawk is ian huntley?

:shock:

Just how mouldy drunk have you been for the last year and a half?

And that's not exactly the funniest joke ever...

Yours wasn't exactly a rib tickler either....

no but that joke about the cannibals eating the clown could be considered a rib tickler[/b]

[##linda##]

Nothing succeeds like a budgie with no beak

[chipsncheese]

> > > Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
> other
> > > outside the operating room.
> > >
> > > The first kid leans over and asks,"What are you in here for?"
> > >
> > > The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm really
> > > nervous,"
> > >
> > > The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done
> > > when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they
give
> > > you lots of jelly and ice cream. It's not a problem."
> > >
> > > The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
> > >
> > > The first kid says, "A circumcision."
> > >
> > > The second kid says, "Blimey! All I can say is good luck, mate. I had
> that
> > > done when I was born and couldn't walk for a year."

[chipsncheese]

made ya look!!!!

[chipsncheese]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replies.........

[ROXY]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replies.........


??????

[roadragedave]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replies.........


??????

By the looks of the time on that thread I would say its more like
ZZZZZZ

[chipsncheese]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replies.........


??????



i forgot to give ye the last line,the most importnat bit..... :oops:




(Wait for it...)




(It's coming.............)





(The suspense is killing you........)





"You just happened to catch my eye."

[ROXY]

4 fuck sake

:lol: :lol:

[chipsncheese]

>Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
>
>Answer: Princess Diana's death.
>
>Question: How come?
>
>Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
>French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a
>Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you
>change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese
>motorcycles; treated by an American doctor using Brazilian medicines.
>
>This is sent to you by an Australian, using Bill Gates's American technology, and
>you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese
>chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a
>Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by
>Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by
>Mexican illegals.....
>
>
>
>That, my friends, is Globalization

[The Unholy Hypocrite]

GEORGE BUSH : When you rearrange the letters : HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY : : DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST : : EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN : : BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION : : A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE : : HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES : : CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY : : IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW : : WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS : : ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT : : I ' M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES : : THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO : : TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the! Grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA : : TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

[chipsncheese]

> > > > >
> > > > > An old lady walked into a Grocery Store.
> > > > >
>
> > > > >
> > > > > She wanted to buy the best dog food in the world for
> > her
> > > > little
> > > > > puppy.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > She went up to the cash register to buy the food.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > The sales-lady told her that the store did not allow
> > old
> > > > ladies
> > > > > to buy animal food
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > unless they show the actual animal because a lot of
> > old
> > > > ladies
> > > > > like to eat the animal food themselves.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > So, the old lady went home, got her dog and went back
> > to
> > > the
> > > > > store to buy her dog food.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > The next day she came back to buy the best cat food
> > around.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > But the Sales lady told her the same thing, so the
> > old
> > lady
> > > > > went back home and
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > brought her cat to the Grocery Store to buy the cat
> > food.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > The next day the old lady went to the Grocery Store
> > again
> > > > > carrying a big container.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > She went up to the the sales lady and said, " Put
> > your
> > > hand
> > > > > inside here " .
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > The Saleslady shook her head. " NO " , she said, "
> > there
> > > is
> > > > > probably something in
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > there that will bite me! " .
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > " I promise you that there is nothing in here that
> > will
> > > bite
> > > > > you. " , the old lady said.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > So the Sales lady stuck her hand inside the container
> > and
> > > > > screamed.
> > > > >

[bosco]

>A man was walking down the street, when he was accosted by a
>particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man, who asked him for a
>couple of pounds for dinner.
>The man took out his wallet, extracted two pounds and asked, "If I
>gave you this money, will you buy beer with it instead?"
>"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said. "Will you
>use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
>"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can
>get just to stay alive."
>"Will you spend the money on football instead of food?" the man asked.
>
>"Are you BLOODY NUTS?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't watched
>football in 20 years!"
>"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two pounds.
>I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
>The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you
>for doing that? I'm very dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
>The man replied, "That's okay, mate! I just want her to see what a
>man looks like who's given up beer, gambling and football."

[chipsncheese]

Alma returned from a doctor's visit one day and told her

husband that the doctor said she only had 24hours to live. Wiping away

her tears, she asked him to makelove with her. Of course he agreed and they

made passionatelove.

Six hours later, Alma went to him again, and said,

"Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love
again?"

Paul agrees and again they make love. Later, Alma is getting into bed

when she realized she now had only eight hours of life left. She touched

Paul's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I
die."he

agreed, than afterward he rolled over and fell asleep. Alma, however, heard
the

clock ticking in her head,and she tossed and turned until she was down to

only four more hours. She tapped her husband on the shoulder to wake

him up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" Her husband
sat
up

abruptly, turned to her and said: "Listen Alma, I have to get up in the

morning! You don't."

[setane]

what's the fastest game in the world???






Pass the Parcel in Belfast.

ha ha boom boom :lol: :lol: :lol:

[chipsncheese]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't
>mttaer
>in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is
>taht frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
>toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is
>bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a
>wlohe.
>ceehiro
>
>Terhe msut be a bteter rsaeon

[sooz1]

A Girl and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's her turn to buy a round, she tells him of a wonderful new drink that he simply must try. She returns with the usual lager for herself but for him she has two Glasses and a salt shaker. One glass contains a measure of Baileys, the other has lime juice.

"Okay, what you have to do is put a large pinch of salt on your tongue, swig the Baileys, hold it in your mouth and then drink the lime juice". He
looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.
First the salt.......fine, he handles that.
Next the Baileys.......lovely , smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.............a bit odd with the salt though. Then he takes the lime juice.
+ 1 second = the cream in the Baileys curdles...
+ 3 seconds = Boyfriend's face turns the color of the lime juice...
6+ seconds = Boyfriend calms his stomach and swallows the gunge...
8+ seconds = She whispers in his ear


"It's called Blowjobs Revenge".

[chipsncheese]

>Subject: Fwd: Fw: HUSBAND WANTED
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >A lonely old lady, aged 75, decided it was time
> > > > to get married. She put
> > > > > >a
> > > > > >want ad in the local paper that read, "HUSBAND
> > > > WANTED. Must be in my age
> > > > > >
> > > > > >group, must not beat me, must not run around on
> > > > me, and must still be
> > > > > >good
> > > > > >in bed! All applicants must apply in person."
> > > > > >
> > > > > >On the second day of the ad she heard the
> > > > doorbell ring. Much to her
> > > > > >dismay
> > > > > >when she opened the door, there sat a man in a
> > > > wheelchair. He had no
> > > > > >arms or
> > > > > >legs.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >She asked sarcastically, "You're not expecting me
> > > > to consider you, are
> > > > > >you?
> > > > > >Just look at you - you have no legs!"
> > > > > >The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run
> > > > around on you!" "You
> > > > > >have no
> > > > > >arms either." Again the old man smiled. "Nor can
> > > > I beat you."
> > > > > >
> > > > > >The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him
> > > > intensely. "Are you
> > > > > >still
> > > > > >good in bed?" she asked.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >The old man smirked and said, "I rang the
> > > > doorbell didn't I?"
> > > > > >

[mouldydrunk]

THE LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell, which by mistake happened
to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all
empty and quiet. Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?"
she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell
started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice "HELLO,
IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a faint voice from far, far
away...........


"We're down here "

[chipsncheese]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
> > >
> > >on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has
> > happened.
> > >
> > >"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love
> > >
> > >to his mistress.
> > >
> > >Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
> > >
> > >"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery,
> > >
> > >spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the
smile."
> > >
> > >The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
> > >
> > >"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Mossie Quinn
> > >
> > >the redneck from Kerry, 30, struck by lightning."
> > >
> > >"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
> > >
> > >"Thought he was having his picture taken."
>

[goosed]

why didnt you finish the joke about the old woman in the supermarket?

[chipsncheese]

why didnt you finish the joke about the old woman in the supermarket?


which one was that???

[chipsncheese]

why didnt you finish the joke about the old woman in the supermarket?


which one was that???


i just found it there,i think that was it from what i can remember

[catwoman]

Subject: Anger Management

Anger Management

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to

take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out

on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to

make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying, "Hello".

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin. Could I please speak with Robin

Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe

that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the

last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and

hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in

my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a

really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Called ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling

would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John

Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're

familiar with the Called ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the

phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an

asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently

waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the

spot. The idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window - so, I wrote down his

number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his

number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes. I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's

parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed

dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used

to be.

So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up).

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black

Beemer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying

your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right

now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at

1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay

lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th

Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.

There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six

squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW I feel better.

[catwoman]

PMS RIDDLE
QUESTION:?? How many women with PMS does it take to screw In a light bulb?

ANSWER:? One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?? Because nobody else in this damned house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know the light bulb is FREAKING BURNED OUT!
They would all sit in this FREAKING HOUSE in the DARK for DAYS before they
tried to figure it out! And once they had FIGURED it out, they wouldn’t be
able to FIND the light bulbs, despite the fact that they have been in the
SAME DAMNED CUPBOARD FOR THE PAST 17 YEARS!!! But if they did, by some
miracle of God, actually FIND the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair
that they dragged from 2 rooms over to stand on to change the stupid light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT UNDER THE LIGHT!!! AND UNDERNEATH THE FREAKING CHAIR WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @#%$&^* LIGHT BULB CAME IN!! WHY?? BECAUSE NOBODY IN THIS HOUSE EVER EVEN CARRIES OUT THE FREAKING GARBAGE!!! IT’S A WONDER THAT WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGH THE WHOLE DAMNED HOUSE!! IT WILL TAKE THE NATIONAL GUARD TO CLEAN THIS PIGSTY!!!! NO!!! PIGS WOULD EVEN REJECT THIS PLACE!!!!

I’m sorry, what did you ask me?

[##linda##]

A Galwayman, Dubinman & A Kerryman apply to join the Gardai

>
> The Galwayman does his interview which goes fine. The
> last
> question he is asked is
> "Who killed Jesus Christ?" to which he replies Puntious
> Pilate.
> "Very good" says the superintendent, "you can start on
> traffic duty".
>
> The Dublinman does his interview which also goes fine and
> he answers the question about who killed Jesus Christ and
> is assigned to traffic duty.
>
> Then Kerryman goes in for his interview which goes fine
> and he is asked who killed Jesus Christ. "I don't know"
> he answers. The superintendent tells him to go to the
> library across the yard and begin checking the bible.
>
> On the way he meets the Galwayman and the Dublinman who
> already have their traffic uniforms on and are taking to
> the streets.
> "What are you up to?" the Kerryman asks. They both reply
> that they are already starting on traffic duty.
> "Traffic duty, that's boring" says the Kerryman, "I've
> been assigned to a murder case!!!"

[I_LIKE_R_L]

Q.......Why do scuba divers dive out of boats backwards?




A.........Cause if they dived forwards, they'd still be in the boat......





Tell your mates when your stoned....

[chipsncheese]

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven God went missing
>for seven days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him.
>He enquired of God "Where were you?" God breathed a deep sigh
>of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the
>clouds. Look son, look what I'm after making". Archangel
>Michael looked puzzled and said "What is it?" God replied
>"It's another planet, but I'm after putting Life on it. I've
>named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between
>everything on it.For example, there's North America
>and South America. North America is going to be rich and South
>America will be poor, and the narrow bit joining them will be
>a hot spot. Now look over here I've put a continent of whites
>in the North and another one of blacks in the South."
>Then the Archangel said "What's that green dot there?" "Ahhh, that's the
>Emerald Isle," God said, "that's a very special
>place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on Earth,
>beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and exquisite
>coastline. These people here are going to be great craic and
>they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be
>playwrights and poets, singers and songwriters And I'm going
>to give them this black liquid, which they're going to go mad
>on, and for which people will come from the far corners of the
>Earth to drink." Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder
>and admiration, then seemingly startled, he said, "Hold on a
>second, what about BALANCE, you said there was going to be
>balance..?" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the
>wankers I'm putting next door to them!!

[chipsncheese]

> > > Subject: Too funny to be made up
>
> Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that
> you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do....
> > >
> * I walked into a hair salon with my husband and
> three kids in tow and asked loudly,
> "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob? I
> turned around and walked back out and never went back.
> My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. - Melinda Lowe, 39,
> Seguin, TX
> > >
> * I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
> I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
> After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
> good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could
> help
me.
> Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing
> with men's balls." -
> Colleen
> Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
>
> * My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a
> store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display
> case, the boy behind the counter asked If we needed any help. I
> replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to
> laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned red and walked
> away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
> Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
>
> * While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided
> to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
> grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
> other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right
> now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and
> said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right
> now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last
> night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
> Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last
> of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The
> last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of
> laughter.
> - Amy Richardson, Stafford,Virginia
>
>
> * A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she
> finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had
> no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
> intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON
> LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody
> at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax"
> for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over
> the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH
> YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" -
> Diane E.
> Amov
>
> * Have you ever asked your child a question too
> many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty
> training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
> for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full
> dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of
> course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then
> I realized that he Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I
> asked
him
> if he
> needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child
> has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I
> said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he
> replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the
> smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did
> you have an accident?" This
time
> he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks
> and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly
> choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants
> and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the
> best laugh they'd ever had!
>
> This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
> embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
> before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
> any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after
> it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
> asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not
only
> did
> HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing
> so hard!

[chipsncheese]

> > Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Dallas, where women
> > > could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in
> > > five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you
> > > ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor,
> > > you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you
> > > couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
> > >
> > > A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some
> > > husbands... First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have
> > > jobs and love kids. "The women read the sign and said, "Well,
> > > that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I
> > > wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
> > >
> > > Second floor
> > > The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
> > > extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder
> > > what's further up?
> > >
> > > Third floor
> > > This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
> > > looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! Said the
> > > women.
> > >
> > > Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went.
> > >
> > > Fourth floor
> > > This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love
> > > kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have
> > > a strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must
> > > be awaiting us further on!
> > >
> > > So up to the fifth floor they went.
> > >
> > > Fifth floor
> > > The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to
> > > prove that women are f*cking impossible to please

[fitz69]

a private small plane crashed 2day in kerry. rescue teams have found 200 bodies and are still digging.

[I_LIKE_R_L]

whats black and white and eats like a horse??



















A zebra............




Sad sad sad

[sooz1]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that
the car's oil-pressure light is on. He gets out looking and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives slowly and carefully to the nearest town and
stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes
for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in
Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big
dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes
a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream,
he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the
problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like
you've blown a seal.". "No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth,
"it's just ice cream."

[Hang_Sandwich]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that
the car's oil-pressure light is on. He gets out looking and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives slowly and carefully to the nearest town and
stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes
for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in
Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big
dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes
a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream,
he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the
problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like
you've blown a seal.". "No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth,
"it's just ice cream."

dirty filthy carry on this is

[sooz1]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that
the car's oil-pressure light is on. He gets out looking and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives slowly and carefully to the nearest town and
stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes
for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in
Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big
dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes
a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream,
he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the
problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like
you've blown a seal.". "No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth,
"it's just ice cream."

dirty filthy carry on this is

I only posted the joke, I didn't make it up. :roll:

[Hang_Sandwich]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that
the car's oil-pressure light is on. He gets out looking and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives slowly and carefully to the nearest town and
stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes
for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in
Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big
dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes
a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream,
he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the
problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like
you've blown a seal.". "No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth,
"it's just ice cream."

dirty filthy carry on this is

I only posted the joke, I didn't make it up. :roll:

yeah sure probably you just putting a spin on an inciddent that happen to you :shock: filth

[sooz1]

yeah sure probably you just putting a spin on an inciddent that happen to you :shock: filth

Don't be stupid, I don't have flippers :roll:

[i_didnt_do_nawtin]

yeah sure probably you just putting a spin on an inciddent that happen to you :shock: filth

Don't be stupid, I don't have flippers :roll:

yes, but they couldn't remove the gills :D

[General Michael Collins]

Vodafone have announced the launch of a new phone called the Rio Ferdinand.Its big,black,has no memory,and it takes three months to charge the fucker!!

[chipsncheese]

> A man walked into the vegetable section of his local Super Valu and asked
> to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him
> that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the
> boy asks his manager about the matter.

> Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some gobshite
> wants to buy a half a head of lettuce'. As he finished his sentence, he
> turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this
> gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.'

> The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the
> manager found the boy and said, 'I was impressed with the way you got
> yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
> feet here. Where are you from son?'

> 'Cork, sir,' the boy replied.

> 'Well, why did you leave Cork,' the manager asked.

> The boy said,'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hurling players down
> there.'

> 'Really!' said the manager. 'My wife is from Cork!'

> The boy replied, 'No way! Who did she play for?'

[fitz69]

how do u get a blonde on2 da roof?




tell her da drinks r on da house

[##linda##]

> I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was
> about
> to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled
up
> to
> my wife, "Where is the rake?" She couldn't hear me and she shouted
> back,
> "What?" I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a
> raking
> motion. Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?" I repeated the
> gestures.
> "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
> My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first
points
> to
> her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her
> butt,
> and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even
> come
> close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What
> the
> hell was that?"

> She replies, (scroll down, it's worth it)

















> "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"

> ,

[mouldydrunk]

http://members.lycos.co.uk/jabberpook/br.jpg

[fitz69]

2 fish in a tank 1 turns 2 da other and says how do u drive dis thing

[MrMonto]

What do you call a fly with no wings?


A Walk.



What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?


Roberto.

[mouldydrunk]

what do you call a woman with one leg



eileen

what do you call a woman with no legs


Noleen

what do you call a woman standing in a tennis court



Anette




what do you call a woman standing between 2 houses


Elaine


*coats on...whosh*

[Recon]

TREVOR - THE ROOSTER

Paddy the farmer heads in to town to the fair and after a few
minutes finds exactly what he is looking for, a rooster. Trevor the rooster
costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'll be worth it. So he buys
Trevor.

The farmer takes Trevor home and sets
him down in the barnyard and then gives the rooster a pep talk. "I
want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service
here,and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a
goodjob. So take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a
chuckle.

Trevor seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen
house and Trevor took off like a shot. WHAM! Trevor nailed every hen in the hen house, three or four times. The farmer was flabbergasted. After that the farmer heard a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough,Trevor was there.

Later, the farmer saw Trevor after a flock of geese by the lake. Once again, WHAM!
Trevor got all the geese. By sunset the farmer saw Trevor in the
field chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer was distraught and worried
that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. The farmer went to bed.

When he woke the next day, he found Trevor on his back -stone cold
in the middle of the yard. Vultures were circling overhead. The farmer,
saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive bird, shook his head and said, Oh, Trevor, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to
slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Trevor opened one eye, nodded toward the vultures circling in the
sky and
said, "Shhh! they're getting closer."

[quasi]

A man is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and belts the ball into the air. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge lump on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball, he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. Might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you, too. And might I ask how your sex life is?"

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week? Is that all?!" The golfer looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a priest in a small parish!"

[quasi]

An Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a carriage in a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carraiges and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking, "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead." Claudia Schiffer was thinking, "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it." And the Irishman was thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again."

[quasi]

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now,bitch, or I'll give you a slap."

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"

[quasi]

The Queen Mother arrived in Heaven and was shown to the posh area reserved for dead royals. There was Tsar Nicholas II and all his dead Brady Bunch. In the other corner, you had King Henry VIII, getting serviced by his six wives. Centre-stage of course was Princess Diana, talking away to the visiting sick and plucking out landmines at leisure.

Round her head there was a huge halo. This was shocking. The Queen Mother wasn't offered a halo. Why did Diana get one? She wasn't even real royalty. The Queen Mum stormed up to St Peter, demanding to know why she had been bypassed. "I made it to 102 years old" she cried, "that blond bimbo didn't even make fifty. Yet for some reason, she's the one with the halo".

"Your majesty" Saint Peter said "that's not a halo. It's a steering wheel".

[quasi]

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?!"

[quasi]

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bullseye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help. "The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios

[quasi]

The foreman of a construction company is introducing some new workers to their duties on the first day of work. He assigns two Irish men to take care of the cleaning involved with working on a site, and a Chinese man to take care of the supplies.
"When I come back, I expect to see all this area clear and everything moved from over there to over here. Got that?"
He left them to their business and went about doing his own thing.


When the foreman returns after lunch, he sees that very little work has been done. It seems that the Chinese man has disappeared, leaving the two Irish men with both their duties and his.
"What's taking you so long to get this done?" asked the foreman.
One of the Irishmen explains that the Chinese man had walked away without saying anything immediately after he had given his orders earlier in the day.

The foreman goes searching for the Chinese man. He looks high and low. He looks all over the sight. In the portacabins, the office, the toilets, everywhere. Finally, there is only one place left to look: the canteen. The foreman walks into the canteen and looks around. No sign of the Chinese man. Then, suddenly, out from the shadows jumps the Chinese Man, screaming:

"SUPPLIES!"

[quasi]

What's 12 foot long, green and will kill you if it falls out of a tree on you?

A snooker table

[quasi]

Ten Things men know for sure about women.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. They have breasts

[quasi]

Two old ladies Jean and Joan were outside their nursing home,having a smoke when it started to rain. Joan pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Jean: What's that?

Joan: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Jean: Where did you get it?

Joan: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day Jean hobbled down to the local drugstore and asked the pharmacist for a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Jean: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel

[quasi]

A priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions...

A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession.
- Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Fanny Green.
- That is your sin?
- Yes, Father.
- You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our Father.
The man leaves.

Soon, another enters and kneels.
- Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Fanny Green every week for the last month.
The priest thinks to himself this Fanny Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners.
- Those are your sins?
- Yes, Father.
- You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.
The man leaves.

Soon, another enters and kneels down.
- Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last six months.
This time, the priest has to ask - Who is this Fanny Green. Just a woman I know, Father.
- Very well-you are forgiven. Go out and say ten Hail Marys.
The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Fanny Green woman is...

Next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart. The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy
- Pssssst. Is that Fanny Green?
The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

[quasi]

It's a senior infants classroom on a warm summer afternoon.

Teacher: We are going to have a spelling competition this afternoon. Anyone who can spell a word correctly can go home early. We'll start with Mary. What did you do at lunchtime, Mary?

Mary: I played in the sand-pit.

Teacher: Mary, can you spell "pit?"

Mary: P . . . I . . . T?

Teacher: Very good, you may go. Now Tommy, what did you you do at lunch?

Tommy: I was playing with my toy car.

Teacher: Tommy, can you spell "car?" Tommy: C . . A . . R

Teacher: Very good, you may go. Now Johnny, why are you crying?

Johnny: (sniff) 'Cause Tommy and Mary wouldn't play with me at lunchtime, just 'cause I'm black (sniff).

Teacher: My my. That's racial prejudice. Johnny, can you spell "racial prejudice?

[fitz69]

why did hitler shoot himself?
saw da gas bill

[mouldydrunk]

he he
www.antra.dk/montypythonlg.mov

[mouldydrunk]

http://student.dcu.ie/~odonova3/images/b3ta/suicide.jpg

[quasi]

How many UCC students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.



How many CIT students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, One to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as any UCC student could.



How many DCU students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eleven, one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.



How many Tralee IT students does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, Kerry doesn't have electricity.



How many UCD students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.



How many WIT students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but he gets six credits for it.



How many Athlone IT students does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, Westmeath looks better in the dark.



How many Trinity students does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him



How many UL students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three, One to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.



How many Sligo IT students does it take to change a lightbulb?

All of them, they've got nothing else to do anyway.



How many Tallaght students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, One to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better college the lightbulb wouldn't go out.



How many DIT students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Seven, One to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time

[sooz1]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to
her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

[Epona]

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone - don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it.

A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" He replied "Wrong number, dumb ass" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.) After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered
the phone, I yelled, "You're a dumb ass!" and I hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word 'dumb ass' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a dumb ass!" It
always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'dumb ass' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if
you're familiar with the caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a dumb ass!

So, one day I was at the grocery store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a rust orange colored BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I
had been waiting for the spot. The dumb ass ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first Dumb ass (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW dumb ass, too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"

I said, "Is this the man with the rust orange colored BMW for sale?"

"Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're a dumb ass!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two dumb asses to call.

But after several weeks of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called dumb ass #1. "Hello?"

"You're an dumb ass!" (But I didn't hang up).

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you? " he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, you dumb ass, a yellow house with my rust orange colored BMW parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers. "

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, you dumb ass."

Then I called dumb ass # 2: "Hello?" he said. "Hello . Dumb ass," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, dumb ass, here's your chance! I'm coming over right now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police,saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 4th Street I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St.

There, I saw the two dumb asses beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a TV news crew.

Now, I feel better... Masquerading as a normal person, day after day, is so exhausting...

[quasi]

In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.

Monica Lewinsky walks in, squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him the presidential treatment then moves on to his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player.

When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.

At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts







scroll down wait for it













































"Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!""

[quasi]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

[quasi]

Three Irishmen are being treated by a speech therapist for stuttering. The therapist is a real looker and very curvy.

She is finding it very difficult to make any progress with the three men and so she decides to try a reward system. She tells the three that she will have sex with anyone of them who can tell her where they were born without stuttering.

The first Irishman stands up, says, ‘B-B-B-B-Belf-f-f-f-ast’ and sits down in disappointment.

The second Irishman says ‘D-D-D-Dublin’ and also sits down with a sad face.

The third Irishman says ‘London’.

In amazement the therapist immediately grabs him, takes into the next room, from where there are sounds of frantic lovemaking.

After half an hour they return and the Irishman has a stupid, satisfied grin on his face.

Before restarting the session the therapist asks if there is anything that any of the men would like to say. The third Irishman raises his hands and continues ‘d-d-d-d-erry’

[mouldydrunk]

http://www.imbiss.dk/kick.gif

[INTHEZOONE]

Who invented the limbo?

A scotsman trying to get into an Irish pay toilet.

[chipsncheese]

Subject: FW: Qantas


> >After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,
which
> >conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft
during
> the
> >flight that need repair or correction.
> >The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in
writing
> on
> >the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the
pilot

> >reviews the
> >gripe sheets before the next flight.
> >Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense
of
> humor.
> >Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
> submitted
> >by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
> >
> >By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
> accident.
> >
> >(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
> >(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
> >
> >P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
> >S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
> >
> >P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> >S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
> >
> >P: Something loose in cockpit.
> >S: Something tightened in cockpit.
> >
> >P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> >S: Live bugs on back-order.
> >
> >P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
> descent.
> >S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> >
> >P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> >S: Evidence removed.
> >
> >P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> >S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> >
> >P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> >S: That's what they're there for.
> >
> >P: IFF inoperative.
> >S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> >
> >P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> >S: Suspect you're right.
> >
> >P: Number 3 engine missing.
> >S: Engine found on right wing after brief search!
> >
> >P: Aircraft handles funny.
> >S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
> >
> >P: Target radar hums.
> >S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
> >
> >P: Mouse in cockpit.
> >S: Cat installed.
> >
> >P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
> pounding
> >on something with a hammer.
> >S: Took hammer away from midget.

[chipsncheese]

> > >Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't
> >feeling too good that
> > >morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be
> >pleasant and
> >say,
> > >"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for
> >me.
> > >
> > >As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning,
> >let alone any
> >happy
> > >birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the
> >children will
> > >remember.
> > >
> > >
> > >The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a
> >word. So when I
> >left for
> > >the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
> > >
> > >As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said,
> >"Good morning,
> >Boss.
> > >"Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that
> >someone had
> >remembered. I
> > >worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and
> >said, "You know,
> >it's
> > >such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday,
> >let's go to
> >lunch,
> > >just you and me."
> > >
> > >I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've
> >heard all day.
> >"Let's
> > >go!" We went to lunch.
> > >
> > >We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went
> >out to a private
> >little
> > >place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
> >tremendously.
> > >
> > >On the way back to the office, she said, "You know,
> >it's such a
> >beautiful
> > >day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
> > >
> > >I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my
> >apartment." After
> > >arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you
> >don't mind, I think
> >I'll
> > >go into the bedroom and slip into something more
> >comfortable" "Sure!"
> >I
> > >excitedly replied.
> > >
> > >She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes,
> >she came out
> >carrying
> > >a
> > >huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife,
> >children, and dozens of
> >our
> > >friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
> > >
> > >And I just sat there ----
> > >
> > >on the couch ----
> > >
> > >naked.

[ho chi feen]

Michael Owen walks into a night club, goes straight up to a woman, starts feeling her tits and then says " get your coat love, you're coming home with me".















The woman replies "you're a little forward, aren't you?









Coat on, Taxi booked



____________________ ____________________ ___________




A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre so the bar man gives her one.




The paranoid feen with the low self esteem: He thought nobody important was out to get him.



The new scouse shampoo - Go and Wash




Agoraphobic skinhead - "Oi fucking inside now!"




What's 10ft long and stinks of piss? The queue at Aldi.




Jewish paedophile to the little girl "how many of them fucking sweets are you eating?"

[chipsncheese]

Genie In A Bottle

A husband and wife were having an argument. Suddenly the husband picked up a bottle lying near him and threw it at his wife. The bottle missed the wife and got into the neighbours' house breaking the window glass.

Now both the husband and wife got embarassed and went to apologise to the neighbour. Upon reaching the house, they found out a young man sitting on a couch with a smile on his face.

Before the couple could say anything, the man said, "I am a genie. I was enclosed in that bottle for many years, but you two have set me free, so ask for any three boons you want to and it shall be fulfilled. But against your three boons you will have to fulfill one wish of mine".

The couple were so happy that they didn't think twice and presented their wishes.

"I want millions of dollars in my account", The husband said.
"Done", said the genie.
"I want diamond jewelleries in all my vaults".
"Done", said the genie.
"I want bunglows all over the world", said the husband.
"Done", said the geniee.

Now it was the time of the genies wish. "So" the genie said, "I have fulfilled all the three wishes you have said, and its time for my wish. I have not slept with a women for long. I wish to have sex with your wife.
The couple got worried, but the husband explained that it was only a genie and it didn't matter much to him. Besides the genie has given them a lot of things. So the wife consented.

The geniee and the wife had a lovely night together.

Finally in the morning the genie said, "it was wonderful but how old is your husband?"
"Why, he is just thirty five"
"My god ", said the geniee, "even at thirty five he still believes in geniees".

[PROClaimer]

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre so the bar man gives her one.




The paranoid feen with the low self esteem: He thought nobody important was out to get him.



The new scouse shampoo - Go and Wash




Agoraphobic skinhead - "Oi fucking inside now!"




What's 10ft long and stinks of piss? The queue at Aldi.




Jewish paedophile to the little girl "how many of them fucking sweets are you eating?"


fecking classics, one and all :lol:

[ho chi feen]

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre so the bar man gives her one.




The paranoid feen with the low self esteem: He thought nobody important was out to get him.



The new scouse shampoo - Go and Wash




Agoraphobic skinhead - "Oi fucking inside now!"




What's 10ft long and stinks of piss? The queue at Aldi.




Jewish paedophile to the little girl "how many of them fucking sweets are you eating?"


fecking classics, one and all :lol:

Yeah, can't bate the oul plagiarising verbatim, like. :wink:

[GOLDYFISH WAN]

how many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?






none.......... they'd just form a fuckin support group called "coping with darkness"

[silverdecks]

THERE WAS THIS BOT PLAYIN WITH HIS TOY SOLDIERS AND AFTER PLAYIN WITH HIS CORPORALS HE PUT THEM AWAY AND STARTED PLAYING WITH HIS PRIVATES!

[i_didnt_do_nawtin]

THERE WAS THIS BOT PLAYIN WITH HIS TOY SOLDIERS AND AFTER PLAYIN WITH HIS CORPORALS HE PUT THEM AWAY AND STARTED PLAYING WITH HIS PRIVATES!

coat!

[silverdecks]

neva mind me coat that got robbed by sum feen who didn like me joke!i gone out the door boy!

[fitz69]

a man walks in2 a bar and goes OUCH

[mouldydrunk]

http://www.zooass.com/games/neverland/neverland.swf

[mouldydrunk]

http://www.mausland.de/dolphin.swf

[chipsncheese]

>> In a press conference yesterday, Ross Braun confirmed that
> > >> Ferrari had fired their entire pit crew. The announcement was
> > >>followed by Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the Irish
> > >>Governments "Back To Work Scheme" and hired unemployed youths
> > >>from Kilmore Road and Hollyhilll. The decision to hire them was
> > >>brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths from
> > >>Knocknaheeny were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than
> > >>6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing
> > >>crew could only do it in 8 seconds with all the mod con tools.
> > >>This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari
> > >>management, as most races are won and lost in the pits, they
> > >>would have an advantage over every team. However Ferrari's
> > >>expectations were easily exceeded, as during the first practice
> > >>session with the new Knocknaheeny crew, not only did they change
> > >>the tyres in under six seconds but within twenty seconds they had
> > >>the car resprayed, rebadged and sold to the McLaren Team for four
> > >>dozen cans of Dutch Gold.

[ho chi feen]

Man walks into a bar with a crocodile, says "C'mere biy, d'ya serve norries?"



Barman goes "Course we do, like"


Man goes "Nice wan, a pint of beamish for meself and a norrie for the crocodile".



I won't be grabbing my coat, or shutting the door on the way out.

[finboy]

Why do leprechauns wear two condoms?
.
.
.
.
.
.
To be sure, to be sure!

:oops:

[rocky black]

paddy english man, paddy irish man and paddy scots man were all sittin around one day havin a pint. the conversation soon turned to their teenage daughters. quite concerned paddy english says

"i was in my daughters room 2day and under her bed i found a pack of fags" , he goes "i didnt know she smoked"

paddy scots man then says

"i know how u feel, i was in my daughters room 2day and under her bed i found a bottle of vodka", after a pause he says "i didnt know she drank".

paddy irish speaks up at this stage and goes

"lads i know wot yer're gion through, i was in my daughts room 2day and under her bed i found a box of condoms" after a longish pause he says

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"i didnt know she had a dick!"

[shadowman]

the water pressure in my house is so bad........

drip dry is how i shower..........
i will accept pity laughs

[chipsncheese]

> > >
> > > As you read this story, take the time to visualize!
> > >
> > > Subject: This one really has some impact...
> > > A man is driving along a freeway at a steady 60km/h with his wife when
> >she
> > > suddenly looks at him and says in a clear voice: "Darling I know
> >we've
> > > been married for 20 years but I want a divorce." The husband says
> >nothing,
> > > keeps looking at the road and slowly increases his speed to 65km/h.
> >The
> > > wife says: "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it because I've
> >been
> > > having an affair with your best friend and he's a far better lover
> >than
> >you
> > > are." Again the husband says nothing but grips the steering wheel
> >more
> > > tightly and increases the speed to 70km/h.". "I want the house," his
> >wife
> > > says insistently, pushing her luck. The speedo goes up to 75km/h. "And
> >I'll
> > > have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car
> >slowly
> > > starts veering towards a massive concrete overpass. This makes the
> >wife a
> > > little nervous, so she asks, "Isn't there anything you want?" The
> >husband
> > > replies in a quite and controlled voice, "No, I've got everything I
> >need."
> > > "Oh really, so what have you got?" asks his wife. Just before they
> >slam
> > > into the wall at 80km/h, the husband turns to her and smiles.
> > > "The airbag".

[chipsncheese]

This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond
formed between a little girl and some building workers. This makes you
want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the
human race.
A young family moved into a
house next door to a vacant site. One day a construction crew turned up
to start building a house on the empty site. The young family's
5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going
on next-door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and
eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or
less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her
sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end
of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing
a few EUR. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the pay she
had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the
teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl
how she had come by her very own pay packet at such a young age. The
little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew
building a house." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will
you be working on the house again this week, too?"





The little girl replied, "I will if those useless f**king c**nts of
bastards at poxy Chadwicks ever bring us the f**king timber."

[chipsncheese]

A Westmeath man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks,he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,
and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial
insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means
but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will
know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are
pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the
sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his Landrover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next
morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still

standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them
in the Landrover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep
twice for good measure brings them back and goes to bed exhausted. Next
morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. One more try,

he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the
woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls
listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the

bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the
sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the Landrover
and one of them is beeping the horn."

[chipsncheese]

A Cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a
> hotel for their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for
> a room.
> He said, "This here is a very special 'casion -- our weddin'
> night and we need a good room with a strong bed."
> The clerk winked and asked "Do you want the Bridal?"
>
> The Cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I
> guess not, I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to
> it."

[setane]

:lol: :lol: :lol: good one!

[orpheus]

A squirrel walks into a bar up to the counter and asks for a pint of bud. The barman looks uneasy but gives him the benifit of the doubt and serves him. The squirrel throws it back and walks out the door. He arrives back ten minutes later and slightly slurring, asks for another pint. The barman asks him has he had enough but he says he's fine. The squirrel downs the pint and leaves again. He staggers in the door ten minutes later and asks for another pint. The barman says he's had enough but the squirrel persists and gets his pint. He falls of the stool and staggers out the door. Ten minutes later he's back again. The barman says he's had enough but the squirrel says, "I don't want a pint I just came back for my keys, I'm locked out of my tree" :lol:

[orpheus]

Four things not so say out loud in a gay bar,

- Fuck me it's hot in here

- Can I push your stool in?

- Toss you for the next round?

- Can I bum a fag?

[chipsncheese]

> >
> > > > > > > > This is a very interesting article, must read.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Jerry is the manager of a restaurant in America. He is
>always in
> > > > > a
> > > > > > good
> > > > > > > > mood and always has something positive to say. When someone
>would
> > > > > ask
> > > > > > > > him how he was doing, he would always reply, "If I were any
> > > > > better, I
> > > > > > > > would be twins!"
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Many of the waiters at his restaurant quit their jobs when
>he
> > > > > changed
> > > > > > > > jobs, so they could follow him around from restaurant to
> > > > > restaurant.
> > > > > > The
> > > > > > > > reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his
>attitude. He
> > > > > was
> > > > > > a
> > > > > > > > natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day,
>Jerry was
> > > > >
> > > > > > always
> > > > > > > > there, telling the employee how to look on the positive side
>of
> > > > > the
> > > > > > > > situation.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went
>up to
> > > > >
> > > > > > Jerry
> > > > > > > > and asked him, "I don't get it! No one can be a positive
>person
> > > > > all of
> > > > > > > > the time. How do you do it? "Jerry replied, "Each morning I
>wake
> > > > > up
> > > > > > and
> > > > > > > > say to myself, I have two choices today. I can choose to be
>in a
> > > > > good
> > > > > > > > mood or I can! choose to be in a bad mood. I always choose
>to be
> > > > > in a
> > > > > > > > good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to
>be a
> > > > >
> > > > > > victim
> > > > > > > > or I can choose to learn from it. I always choose to learn
>from
> > > > > it.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to
> > > > > accept
> > > > > > their
> > > > > > > > complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I
> > > > > always
> > > > > > > > choose the positive side of life.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "But it's not always that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is,"
>Jerry
> > > > > said
> > > > > > > > "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk,
>every
> > > > >
> > > > > > > > situation is a choice. You choose how you react to
>situations.
> > > > > You
> > > > > > > > choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in
>a
> > > > > good
> > > > > > mood
> > > > > > > > or bad mood. It's your choice how you live your life.
>"Several
> > > > > years
> > > > > > > > later, I heard that Jerry accidentally did something you are
> > > > > never
> > > > > > > > supposed to do in the restaurant
> > > > > > > > business: left the back door of his restaurant open one
>morning
> > > > > and
> > > > > > was
> > > > > > > > robbed by three armed men. While trying to open the safe,
>his
> > > > > hand,
> > > > > > > > shaking from ner! vousness slipped off the combination. The
> > > > > robbers
> > > > > > > > panicked and shot hi m.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Luckily, Jerry was found quickly and rushed to the hospital.
> > > > > After 18
> > > > > > > > hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was
>released
> > > > > from
> > > > > > > > the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his
>body. I
> > > > > saw
> > > > > > > > Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him
>how
> > > > > he
> > > > > > was,
> > > > > > > > he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Want to see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did
>ask
> > > > > him
> > > > > > > > what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place.
>"The
> > > > > first
> > > > > > > > thing that went through my mind was that I should have
>locked the
> > > > > back
> > > > > > > > door," Jerry replied. "Then, after they shot me, as I lay on
>the
> > > > >
> > > > > > floor,
> > > > > > > > I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live
>or
> > > > > choose
> > > > > > to
> > > > > > > > die. I chose to live." "Weren't you scared?" I asked. Jerry
> > > > > continued,
> > > > > > > > "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me. I was
>going to
> > > > > be
> > > > > > > > fine. But when they wheeled me into the Emergency Room and I
>saw
> > > > > the
> > > > > > > > expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got
>really
> > > > >
> > > > > > scared.
> > > > > > > > In the! ir eyes, I read 'He's a dead man.' I knew I need to
>take
> > > > >
> > > > > > > > action." 'What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big
>nurse
> > > > >
> > > > > > > > shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was
> > > > > allergic to
> > > > > > > > anything." 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped
> > > > > working as
> > > > > > > > they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled,
> > > > > 'Bullets!'
> > > > > > > > Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live.
>Please
> > > > >
> > > > > > operate
> > > > > > > > on me as if I am alive, not dead'."Jerry lived thanks to the
> > > > > skill of
> > > > > > > > his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > I learned from him that every day you have the choice to
>either
> > > > > enjoy
> > > > > > > > your life or to hate it. The only thing that is truly yours
>that
> > > > > no
> > > > > > one
> > > > > > > > can control or take from you is your attitude, so if you can
>take
> > > > > care
> > > > > > > > of that, everything else in life becomes much easier.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Now you have two choices to make:
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > 1. You can just close the browser now, OR
> > > > > > > > 2. You can forward it to someone you care about.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > I hope you will cho! ose #2. I did.

[Mr. R.M. Keane]

Paddy englishman, paddy irishman & paddy scotsman are deciding what to get their wives for xmas. Paddy scotsman came up with the suggestion of buying them 2 presents each. The other 2 agree with the idea.

The next week after they'd been out shopping they meet in the bar to show each other what they had bought. Paddy englishman bought his wife a ring and a glove saying "if she does'nt like the ring she can put the cglove on over it". Paddy scotsman bought his wife a necklace & scarf. "If she doesnt like the necklace she can put on the scarf".

When asked what he had bought the missus paddy irishman replied "a handbag & a vibrator". When questioned further he says "If she does'nt like the handbag she can go fuck herself" :) :)

I've got my coat on already.

[chipsncheese]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
> > their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for
> > him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of
> > coffee in front of him.
> >
> > He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She
> > watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
> > coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into
> > the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
> >
> > The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago
> > when we were dating, and you were only 1 5 ?" he asks solemnly.
> > "Yes I do" she replies.
> >
> > The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you
> > remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car
> > making love?"
> >
> > "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
> > beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved
> > the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I
> > will send you to jail for 20 years?"
> >
> > "I remember that too" she replied softly.
> >
> > He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have got
> > out today."

[chipsncheese]

> > >This guy was lonely and he decided life would be more fun if he had a
> > >pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to
> > >buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a
> > >centipede, (100-legged
> > >bug,)
> > >which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box
> > >back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start
> > >off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. He asked the
> > >centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's With me and have
> > >a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a
> > >bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked Him again, "How about
> > >going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no
> > >answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more,
> > >thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this
> > >time putting his face up against the centipede's house and started
> > >shouting, "HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE
> > >A DRINK WITH ME?!" Scroll down!!!!!
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >* * * YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >* * * A little voice came out of the box -
> > >"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my f*cking shoes."

[chipsncheese]

>George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war.

>

>After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand

>and George asks him what his name is.

>

>"Quinn".

>

>And what is your question, Quinn?"

>

>"I have 3 questions.

>First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

>Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

>aND third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

>

>Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies

>that they will continue after recess.

>

>When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's

>right --- question time. Who has a question?"

>

>A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks

>him what his name is.

>

>"Steve"

>

>"And what is your question, Steve?"

>

>"I have 5 questions.

>First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

>Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

>Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

>Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?

>And fifth, what happened to Quinn?"

[chipsncheese]

Subject: Party Animal


A Irishman goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with
him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving
and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts,
the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a
house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put,
they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to
the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets
there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who
might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all
day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X is
there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he
is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his
driver's license, and they ask to see his car so she asks why.
They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens
the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.

True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting!

[chipsncheese]

> > > > One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for
over
> > ten
> > > > years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a
> > ship",
> > > he
> > > > thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins
to
> > > rule
> > > > out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly,
> > > emerging
> > > > from the surf comes a
> > > > drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
> > > > She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long
has
> it
> > > > been since you've had a cigarette?"
> > > > "Ten years," replies the Irishman. With that, she reaches over and
> > unzips
> > > a
> > > > waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh
> > > > cigarettes.
> > > > He takes one, lights it,takes a long drag and says, "Faith and
> begorah!
> > > > That's good!"
> > > > "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of whiskey?" she
> asks
> > > him.
> > > > Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over,
> > unzips
> > > > her right sleeve, pulls out a flask of Irish whiskey and hands it to
> > him.
> > > > He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely
> > > fantastic!"
> > > > At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs
> down
> > > the
> > > > front of her wet suit,looks at the man and asks, "And how long has
it
> > been
> > > > since you've played around?"
> > > > With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh,
> sweet
> > > > Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"

[chipsncheese]

Last month I attended my annual training session that's required for
maintaining my state prison security clearance. During the training
session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the Roman
Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths who explained their belief
systems.
I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to say. The
Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete with a
video. After the presentations, time was provided for questions and
answers.
When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked:
"Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and
clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the
infidels of the world. And, that by killing an infidel, which is a
command to all Muslims, they are assured of a place in heaven. If that's
the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?"
There was no disagreement with my statements and without hesitation he
replied, "Non-believers!"
I responded, "So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers
of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so
they can go to Heaven. Is that correct?"
The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command to
that of a little boy who had just gotten caught with his hand in the
cookie jar. He sheepishly replied, "Yes."
I then stated, "Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine Pope
John Paul commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Pat
Robertson or Dr. Stanley ordering Protestants to do the same in order to
go to Heaven!" The Imam was speechless.
I continued, "I also have problem with being your friend when you and
your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me. Let me ask
you a question. Would you rather have your Allah who tells you to kill
me in order to go to Heaven or my Jesus who tells me to love you because
I am going to Heaven and wants you to be with me?"
You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame.
Chuck Colson once told me something that has sustained me these 20 years
of prison ministry. He said to me, "Rick, remember that the truth will
prevail."
And it will!

[ho chi feen]

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Just three women entered the race: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared to be the second place finisher.

Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

[ho chi feen]

What do you call the fat bit around a vagina?

The woman.

---------------------------------------------------------

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'. I had the car out in thirty seconds

---------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes I wake up grouchy in the morning, but sometimes I let her sleep in.

---------------------------------------------------------

what's the difference between a twosome and a threesome?
in a twosome only one bird gets left unsatisfied

---------------------------------------------------------

[chipsncheese]

An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the
trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a
custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate
one's courage. The Russian then whips out a revolver, loads one
chamber,gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the
trigger...CLICK...em pty chamber. He hands the revolver to his African
guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the
ritual....CLICK...em pty. The next year, the Russian visits the African
country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that
he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the
last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage. The
African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes
later smiling, and says, "Your turn." The African escorts the Russian
through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women
he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the
women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the
Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this? The African calmly
answers, "One of them is a cannibal."

[##linda##]

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
>A: A rumor
> ------------------------
>A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
>40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came
>to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple
>she would grant each of them a very special wish.
>The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
>Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
>The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
>Whoosh...immediatel y he turned ninety!!!
>Gotta love the fairy!
>------------------------
>AND THE BEST ONE YET...A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
>"She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
>Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
>Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
>Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
>And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
> ---------------------------------------------------
>A PRAYER....
>Dear Lord,
>I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
>Love to forgive him;
>And Patience for his moods.
>Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
>I'll beat him to death.
>AMEN

[##linda##]

>The new English Paratrooper Captain was assigned to an Irish Regiment in
>a remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection, he
>noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish
>Sergeant why the Camel is kept there. "Well, sir," is the nervous reply,
>"As you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the
>men have...m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The
>English Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
>about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain
>starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he
>asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a
>stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants,
>and has wild, insane s*x with the camel. When he is done, he asks the
>Sergeant, "Is that how the Irish do it?" "Uh, no sir," the Sergeant
>replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

[The Full Ham]

The intelligent man
the intelligent woman
santa claus
The easter bunny
Are all in the pub. $!0 falls on the floor who picks it up?
The intelligent man of course. The other three are fictional characters and don't exist.

[footballs]

The intelligent man
the intelligent woman
santa claus
The easter bunny
Are all in the pub. $!0 falls on the floor who picks it up?
The intelligent man of course. The other three are fictional characters and don't exist.
:lol:

[The Full Ham]

just for you Linda with all your man hating jokes.


peter peter pumpkin eater
had a wife and loved to beat her
slapped her twice across the head
then fucked her ass and went to bed.

[chipsncheese]

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything >- been to several doctors and nothing has worked until one day she was >having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to >her friend "works wonders on anything". The woman comes home from the >hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I have been >having all of these years? Well, they are gone. No more headaches." >The husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to >a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at > >> myself and repeat "I do not have a headache. I DO NOT > >have a headache. >I DO NOT have a headache. Believe it or not, it > >worked! The headaches are all gone."The husband replies, "Well, that > >is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a > >ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don't you > >go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The > >husband is unsure he wants to do that, but agrees to try it. >Following his appointment with the hypnotist, > >the husband comes home,rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and > >carries her into the bedroom. He rips off her clothes, puts her on > >the bed and says, > >> "Don't move. I'll be right back." >He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and > >> jumps on the bed and makes passionate love to his wife > >like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband > >says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, > >comes back a few minutes later for round two with his wife - even better > >than the first time. >The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "This is really great!" >Her husband again says, "Don't move. I'll be right > >back." With that he goes back in the bathroom. This time his wife > >follows and sees him through the open crack in the door, standing at > >the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's NOT > >my wife!". > > >

[chipsncheese]

>
> >It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
> >post
> >through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he
> >arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole
> >family
> >there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with
> >a
> >gift cheque for £500.
> >
> >At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat
> >gold
> >box.
> >
> >The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch
> >whiskey.
> >
> >At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her
> >lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the
> >bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
> >ever
> >experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb
> >blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage,
> >blueberry
> >waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice.
> >
> >When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
> >As she was pouring, he noticed Five Pound Note sticking out from under
> >the
> >cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said,
> >"but what's the fiver for?" "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I
> >told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do
> >something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
> >
> >He said, "F**k him. Give him a fiver." the breakfast was my idea."

[The Full Ham]

The Diceman Speaks

Peter peter pumkin eater
whacked off in a movie theatre
shot his load across the screen
ruined titanic's final scene

Mary had a little lamb
kept it in her yard
every time she took her panties off
it's wholly dick got hard.

little bo Pepe
lost his sheep
blew a horse
licked his feet
ate it's ass
so very nice
tonged it's balls
not once but twice! :twisted:

[shammy feen]

I hate the wan in this ad, oul cuntyface on the phone to her friend *slap*

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0SwB0GbMXxaNQWFM2XHA oMQ7ltLG!BK!XlNDdf1n *jX5lt6wcEqztW80sKv8 RYSU0VAHM3fVqjUj8JOP ZrzrA09c3AFY8bBnME3W N7KobN!T3PenM3tP77A/oldelpaso.gif?dc=467 5411399063610854


:lol: :lol:

yeah shes a right sarcastic bitch.....a right arsehole...funny

[The Full Ham]

Antone notice the growing trend in advertising that is generally women taking the piss out of men?

Everywhere I go their is some sarcastic bitch putting one over on her poor man.

Lads unite today..solve this problem by listening to Andrew Dice Clay...
The legend, the enigma, that is "The diceman"

He speaks..."What's your name little lady....any idea?


St Paul

[Scrotum Sack]

A man on holiday in Spain decides to eat out. He finds a little cafe in a side street & seats himself. When the waiter approaches and asks what he would like to order. Not being fluent in Spanish he looks around, He see's a man eating what loks like meatballs in sauce. "I'll have some of that "." Very well Senor!" the waiter replies. Twenty minutes later after his meal he asks the waiter what the meal consisted of as it had an unusual taste. " Those Senor are Cojones from the bull that was killed in the Bullring today". When he recovered from the shock and had a few more beers, He thought to himself thjat it did'nt sound very appetising, but actually tasted rather nice.

The next evening he returned to the cafe and decided to re-order the same meal, When the waiter brought his meal the man remarked the they seemed rather smaller than last night, to which the waiter replied

[/b] "SOMETIMES SENOR, THE BULL WINS" :lol: :shock:

[ho chi feen]

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?



A doormat? :shock:




:lol:

[ho chi feen]

Two Jews are walking down the road together
Next thing, a gang of Skinheads are walking down the road with baseball bats...
The first Jew turns the other and says "Oh fuck, what are we gonna do? They're probably gonna bash our heads in and mug us!"
The other Jew says "Shit, I dunno, but heres the twenty quid I owe you!"

[quasi]

This guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come
>dressed as different emotions, eg anger, fear etc.
> >
> > On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door
>to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his
>chest.
> > He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
> > And the guy says, "I'm green with envy". The host replies, "Brilliant,
>come on in and have a drink."
> >
> > A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door
>to
>see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped
>round
>her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what
>emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host
>says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
> >
> > A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the
>host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, stark naked,
>one with his willy stuck in a bowl of custard, and the other with his willy
>stuck in a pear.
> >
> > The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you doing? You
>could get arrested for standing like that out there in the street. What
>emotion is this supposed to be?"
> >
> > Paddy replies, "Well, I'm f*cking discustard, and my friend here has
>just
>come in dispair."!!!
> >

[mouldydrunk]

http://home.comcast.net/~yakmonkey/b3ta/fieldbabies.gif

[mouldydrunk]

http://home.comcast.net/~yakmonkey/b3ta/fieldbabies.gif

[mouldydrunk]

http://home.comcast.net/~yakmonkey/b3ta/fieldbabies.gif

[mouldydrunk]

whats up wiv da board like[/img]

[Scrotum Sack]

I can't wait to die and meet Elvis.

I want to see his face when I tell him who his daughter married

[mouldydrunk]

I can't wait to die and meet Elvis.

I want to see his face when I tell him who his daughter married

he'll be morto when he finds out its Nicholas Cage !!!

[chipsncheese]

O look what i found.
a jokes thread!!!!!!!! :D

[C Montgomery Bones]

Girl walks up to the tills with her shopping,

The cashier starts scanning the items through,
1 microwave dinner
1 apple
1 orange
1/2 pint of milk

The cashier says to the girl, let me guess, your single

The girl replied, could you tell that just from my shopping

The cashier then replies no, your just an ugly bitch..

[Out da Lough Like]

Police Have solved the tragic drownings at Morecambe Bay. It appears the Chinese were told to stop picking when the water got to knee high, but unfortunatley, Nee Hi was gone to the shop when the tide started coming in.

[watermelon]

Talking Bush

http://i.neilrogers.com/images/carlos/dishonestdubya.swf

[General Michael Collins]

DUP leader Ian Paisley was in a car crash in Belfast and was pronounced dead at 6pm today.A Sinn Fein spokeman described his condition as satisfactory.

[mouldydrunk]

DUP leader Ian Paisley was in a car crash in Belfast and was pronounced dead at 6pm today.A Sinn Fein spokeman described his condition as satisfactory.

his car hit a tree, the IRA said that they planted it :wink:




*traying to get arm in the other sleave *

[General Michael Collins]

Fianna Fail are changing there emblem to a condom,because they rise to inflation,prevent production,protect pricks and give you a sense of security while they screw you.

[chipsncheese]

> > The BASTARD!!!
> >
> > GIRL: I have sinned a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
> > PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so
> > what
>did
> > he do to deserve that?
> >
> > GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
> > PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
> >
> > GIRL: ..Yes!
> > PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
> >
> > GIRL: But, he put his hand in my bra.
> > PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
> >
> > GIRL: Yes!
> > PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
> >
> > GIRL: But, he took my cloths off.
> > PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
> >
> > GIRL: Yes!
> > PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
> >
> > GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
> > PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
> >
> > GIRL: .Yes!
> > PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
> >
> > GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS.
> > PSYCHIATRIST: The BASTARD!

[chipsncheese]

> I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend
> and my wife was about
> to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find
> the rake. I yelled up
> to my wife, "Where is the rake?"
> She couldn't hear me, and she shouted back, "What?"
> I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and
> made a raking motion.
>
> Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
> I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
> My wife replied that she understands and signals
> back.
> She first points to her eye, next she points to her
> left breast, then she
> points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
> Well, there is no way in hell I could even come
> close to that one.
> Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What
> the hell was that?"
> She replies "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"

[chipsncheese]

>
> > > > > >> An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar
> in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food
> exceptional.
>
> > > > > >> "But" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
Why
> in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's.
>
> > > > > >> Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so
> much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
>
> > > > > >> "Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the
> barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
>
> > > > > >> "Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin
> there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place
>
> they'll buy>> you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.
> > > > > >> Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs
and
> see that you get laid. All on the house."
>
> > > > > >> The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the
> > > > > Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.
> > > > > >> "Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you."
> > > > > >> "Not myself, personally, no" said the Irishman. "But it did
> happen to my sister."

[Centurian]

Andrew "Dice" Clay at his very best.[/quote]

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
She had so many children her uterus fell out.

[Kitty]

What do you call a dead blonde in a cupboard?

The winner of last years hide and seek competition!

[devilman]

An oldie but a goodie.

How do you stop a dog humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his cock.

Hooray!

:P :P :P

[chipsncheese]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol
station
>in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant,
>obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish
>manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
>
>"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick
>"hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
>
>As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What
>are dose?, asks the attendant.
>
>"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
>
>"Well, what on the God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
>
>"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
>
>"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

[chipsncheese]

>A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead >sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat >down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. >Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket >towards the man. >He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. >"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in >place. >"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. >They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the >theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her >deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. >After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to >her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast. >They had a wonderful, wonderful time. >The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. >The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! >"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to >every guy you meet?" >"No," she replies........." > > > > > >Wait for it... (scroll down) > > > > > > >It's coming.. > > > > > > >The suspense is killing you, isn't it? > > > > > > > >She says : > > > > > > > > > > > >"You just happened to catch my eye." > > > >

[chipsncheese]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the
stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that
flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and
said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask
you a question first.

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.
The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[mouldydrunk]

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing.

She says to him: "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fannny or naffink, But why doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?"
So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies: "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."

"Cor, blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them."

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker
"10" replies the Essex girl
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY
OR
WAAYNE
GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"