I want to become a comedian!?

[pseudonominous]

But I don't know how to go about it. I asked this elsewhere and I was directed here.
First things first, how do you make yourself be funny?
How do you make up jokes? Can anyone be funny and is it subjective?
Is there "funny classes" being run anywhere and if so, how much do they cost and what's the duration of the courses?
Will I be a 100% qualified funny if I complete such a course?
How do you quantify laughter? Is the "clap-o-meter" a well known feature at comedy clubs to gauge the audiences responsiveness to you or how?
Can comedic value be scientifically quantified? If so, what's the formulae for it?
(I'm good at mathematics. Or was...)
If I haven't the natural born ability to be funny, what are the advantages of using props? Are some props more dated than others or is pretty much anything funny if you stand on a stage and wave it about?
I find carrots particularly funny. Would I need to swear and shout more, ala Tommy Tiernan, to pull of a prop? Ha!
That would be funny, me pulling off a carrot. Almost simulating masturbation. lol.
Throw in a F and a C word or two and I'd be flying I'd say. Or,
become an airplane pilot. I'd be flying then too.

Sorry for all the questions but I've always dreamed of being a comedian ever since I failed to get on "You're A Star", "Pop Idol", "X-Factor", and even that dating channel on Sky digital.

Thanks in advance for all your help,

Pseudo.

[Baazooka Pants]

I dunno dude, from the jist of your email you sound about as funny as a bike ride with sceptic hemorroids, but sure why not come down to the Tikki on little hannover st. next Tuesday and do an open spot for ten minutes. or five if you stink, we have a long cane with a hook.

[pat o shea]

yo Pseudo way too many questions man before you get an answer to any of your questions you must answer only one question............ .Why do you want to be comedian...the 1st answer you get you discard, the 2nd answer you also discard...the 3rd answer will usually be the real answer, then print your answer and I will try to answer your questions...but only if the answer to why do you want to be a comedian..is the answer I seek in all comedians...........

[daphne6]

use the force, it's the only way to do it! force the people to laugh, use the force! a midget is a good prop as well!

[Hurleybiy]

Sorry biy,but from reading your post....i'd say give up now

[Roman Abramovich]

i wana be a comedian cause of the money.
ok disgarded.
i wana be a comedian cause of the girls.
ok disgarded.
i wana be a comedian because most irish ones are actually shit.

[Captain Planet]

i wana be a comedian cause of the money.
ok disgarded.
i wana be a comedian cause of the girls.
ok disgarded.
i wana be a comedian because most irish ones are actually shit.

hehe...oh a laugh


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