Time Keeping Cork Style

28th Mar 2003

Time Keeping Cork Style
Danny Elbow

If one ever visits Central Europe or certain parts of the USA you may come across the strange sight of a sign telling you to turn your watch back one hour as you travel west. As we in Cork journey towards an independent state we might as well use our localised power and redefine Cork as an independent time zone of our choice. We can also adapt the new zone to Cork's uniquely casual attitude to time.

Try to imagine signs as you pass over the border near Mitchelstown or the voice of a flight attendant landing at Cork airport "Welcome to The Peoples Republic Of Cork - Please adjust your watches to Cork Time which is 35 minutes and 12 seconds ahead of GMT between Mondays and Fridays and 1 hour 24 minutes behind on Saturdays and Sundays. Nice one."

To replace jobs lost in the egg timer industry new industry would certainly grow up around the manufacture of the new complex clocks and watches needed for reasonable punctuality in Cork.

Having clocks with hands that operate at variable speeds is something being currently investigated by Peoples Republic Of Cork h-Ard-comhairle. Why should say the hour between 9am and 10am on a Monday morning be as slow to pass as the same time on a Sunday morning ? If the hands of a clock could double in speed at certain hours and half in speed at others then the working week would certainly fly by and Saturday mornings in bed would be twice as nice!

Once the difference in time is made up on Sunday nights we can synchronise our weeks with the outside world.

FINBARR
How and when this laid back attitude came upon has always been the speculation of much debate. Most believe that St. Finbarr founded Cork in 1185 AD - this of course in Cork terms means 1185AD give or take a few hundred years. If St. Finbarr was anything like the Corkonians that have since inhabited the city he founded we can only assume that the 1185AD date has been passed down through the generations and been given the same priority in brains as the man who set the clocks on the face of Shandon.

The infamous four face liar has got every Cork City citizen out of trouble at some stage in his or her life taking the blame for many late arrivals at school, work, matches, nights out, business meetings……speaking of which…

THE GERMANS MUST HATE US!!
Those who are misfortunate enough to not have been born inside the Rebel County - adapting to the lackadaisical Cork approach to time can be challenging and will test the patience of many. Have you ever noticed that there are very few Germans here in Cork ? Everyone knows about their internationally admired obsession for being efficient and bang on time for anything. Tell a German that you'll meet him for a pint at eight o'clock and be sure he'll be swapping euros for a pint of the black stuff at the top of the hour. About ten to nine you'll arrive yourself casually beaming from ear to ear in anticipation of the first sup. First call for your refreshment and then swing around to survey the bar. To Herr Deutschland's amazement the first thing you'll say will be "Ah sure dere y'are! Have ya been here long ?"

Wide eyed and incredulous at what seems like such an apparently ridiculous question "Ja! as vee haff agreed I haff been eeer since tventy hundred hours….".

One wonders about the amount of business deals that might have fallen through by such passiveness on the part of the Corkman. What has this done to the local economy? Now now! Don't forget that Germans can drink as well as we can and while Herr Deutschland has been sitting in the bar waiting for "ziss silly Corkman" for 50 minutes he has been downing plenty of zee black beer which has gone straight to the financial controller in his brain. The wise and sober Cork businessman moves in for the kill as the merry German, distracted by zee average looking barmaid who has suddenly turned into a gorgeous frauline, accepts a deal that will no doubt have dire consequences for his career when he returns to his boss in the land of schnitzels!! Be sure that the meeting will go on until the barmaid has to haul poor Herr Deutschland out the door by the scruff of the neck after unloading his entire wage packet into the till to the bar owner's delight. That's helped out two Cork businesses with the one stone. Very efficient indeed.