The Road To Dublin

22nd May 2003

The Road To Dublin
Danny Elbow


Like all political movements with an attached private army it is important to stress that the creation of Cork as a sovereign nation will be done so by peaceful and democratic(ish) means if at all possible. However if a People's Republic can not be achieved this way then it will be necessary for every Corkonian to grab a hurley and take the car to the capital of the Republic of Ireland to achieve this noble goal: freedom from the control of the Bertie Ahern regime in Dublin.

Fearing possible pro-Cork successors in his party such as Miche·l Martin and Noel O'Flynn, Ahern has cleverly placed Martin in the publicly loathed Minister for Health role and has presented O'Flynn with a portfolio to generate racial tension within the city in an attempt to slow up the gathering pace of the southern revolution and focus its attention elsewhere on local issues.

Johnny UN won't be exempt from tailbacks when he comes to broker a peace deal.

However, attempts at frustrating the move for Corkonian sovereignty are not simply political. They are also strikingly physical and Bertie's cronies have always felt safe in their beds knowing that at least 172 miles stands between them and the heart of the People's Republic Of Cork on Leeside. Yanks and Europeans out there may wonder why such a relatively small distance may hinder a popular and public revolutionary force hitting the Irish capital with surprise and speed. Well have you heard about the road to Dublin?

While one might think that the roadway between the two biggest cities on this island would be similar to that between say, London and Manchester, Paris and Lyon, New York and LA the reality is somewhat…. well, hilarious.

Contrast a journey between any of these two cities: a six lane highway; 70 mile an hour speed limits; slow lanes; fast lanes; hard shoulders and flyovers. Now imagine you are on the road to Dublin. You are now travelling at 7mph behind a tractor and trailer with your wipers on full blast to clear the flow of cow dung and tufts of straw from the windscreen as it streams back with frightening force. Occasionally you swing out over the worn white dividing line between the carriageways to see if there's an opportunity to overtake safely only to narrowly miss an oncoming articulated truck roaring its horns as it passes you and the thirty five mile tailback to your rear.

Another clever tactic employed by the Bertie regime to frustrate commuting time between Dublin and the People's Republic of Cork is what is referred to as "traffic calming". Engineers employed by the regime (who its claimed are the best in Europe) along with planning officials loyal to the regime have developed unique road systems to deliberately increase the journey time on the N7.

Dual carriageways: no hassle getting round the shop

The stretch of roadway that lies north of Abbeyleix in County Kildare is a classic example. First engineers construct a highly efficient replica of a European style motorway containing two physically separated carriageways with fast, slow and hard shoulder lanes. The speed limit is raised to 70 mph and progress for vehicles is extremely rapid for over two miles. This creates what the regime calls "false-hope commuting" as the motorway then converges into a single lane which is forced through the centre of places like Kildare Town and Monasterevin. Distressed motorists who had a few minutes previous been hurtling towards their destination at 70 mph now find themselves reading the Sandy Kelly posters in the window of pubs on Kildare's main street as they sit in traffic on the "N7 primary route to Dublin".


Creating such a psychological deterrent for motorists is a well calculated move by the Bertie Ahern regime who, its said, have personal interests in the Kinsale gas field. It is now feared that key decision makers in the provisional government of the People's Republic of Cork and influential intellectuals such as Smokey Looney and Mickey Sull are considering the possibility of having to "eliminate" towns such as Kildare, Monasterevin, Urlingford, Durrow, and Cashel to make way for the enormous military force to reach Dublin and remove the Berite Ahern Regime from power.

In what's believed to be an official statement from Chief In Staff Osama Bin Murphy this week released by television station Al Jazeera he says that "while the provisional government of the People's Republic Of Cork does not intend to extend its rule beyond the bounds of County Cork we see ourselves as liberators and if we have the ability to set the Irish people free from tyranny then there is an argument that we are morally compelled to do so". Its believed that a separate policy is being derived for the possible military invasion of County Limerick, one of three areas listed on Bin Murphy's notorious Axis-Of-Evil along with Limerick City and Grenagh, an anti-revolution parish still loyal to Berite Ahern's Regime.