How Cork are you?

23rd Sep 2003

How Cork Are You?
Corkness, the pinnacle of human endeavour, has always been seen as an unquantifiable quality. Conventional wisdom dictated that nobody could describe it, but they knew it, and held it in awe, when they saw it.

But now, the PRC's re-education commitee, headed by Bin Murphy (aided by Commisar Pudgee Redgee) has developed a series of tests, allowing us to measure the Corkness of each and every existing and potential citizen. It is hoped that this new 'feen scale' will help not only to weed out 'un-corkonian' elements in the PRC, but also to discover spriritual Corkonians throughout the world and bring them 'home', thus truly making a land of milk, honey and Murphys.

We urge all current and prospective citizens of the PRC to take this test, so the consolidation of Corkness can commence without delay.

Keep it Cork,
People's Republic of Cork Re-education Committee.

Q1. What is the ideal start to the day for a Corkonian?
A) Two mile jog to refresh the senses, followed by a skinny decaf frapppacino and a blueberry muffin, then drive the 200 yards to work in an unneccessarily enormous Sports Utility Vehicle.
B) Stumble straight from bed into nasty little suit and then to work at the IFSC, pausing only to snort a line of coke and make a sleazy comment about the new receptionist's breasts.
C)Fifteen minutes standing in the shower, desparately trying to shake off a dense alcohol fug and curing God for making it so difficult to smoke and wash yourself at the same time; followed by an enormous mug of Barry's Tea and and a black pudding sandwich, which you finish just in time to walk out the door and see the bus zooming past you.

Q2. What do you wear in bed?
A) Nothing.
B) Burberry print Pyjama bottoms you got in BT2.
C)Heineken promotional t-shirt you won off some ole doll in Reardens about eight years ago; trackie bottoms with a particularly lurid stain on the groin area, Na Piarsaigh socks in winter.

The Blarney position

Q3.Have you ever kissed the Blarney Stone? A)"Hell yea! It was awesome!" B) "No, but Roisin in accounts says I have a gifted tongue! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" C)"Jeesus, not a hope biy! They piss on that thing! Thats digusting."

Q4. Watching Cork's recent demolition of Clare in the Munster Hurling Semi Final, did you feel...
A) Somehow magically connected to your celtic roots.
B)That there was definitely marketing potential in this GAA thing, particularly out in 'the country'.
C) Feckin' brilliant. The Rebels back on top where they belong, now they showethose culchie upstarts who's boss round these parts.

Q5. Roy Keane is
A)"some soccer dude. Manchester, right? Soccer's great, my daughter and her little buddies play it all the time."
B)"A Brilliantly talented but volatile footballer, whose outbursts have probably cost him a fortune in potential product endorsements.'
C)"That's 'Dr. Brilliantly talented but volatile footballer' to you. Langer."

Q7. Who are the most influential group in pop music?
A) The Beach Boys, for their innovative use of harmony and instrumentation which pretty much formed modern pop music as it is today.
B) Kraftwerk, for their use of electronics and the understanding that the kinetics of a song are as important as melody, paving the way for electro and techno.
C) Frank and Walters. Cos they're mad.

Q8. What would your ideal holiday destination be?
A)"Grand Canyon in a winnebago with the family."
B)"Well, Jonathon's been raving about the Maldives, but I prefer Thailand for the fascinating culture, amazing flora and cheap sex.
C)"You can't beat me cousin's caravan in Garryvoe if you get the weather for it.

No more tapes to collect.

Q9. Which of the following items do you collect obsessively? A) Baseball cards. B) Pictures of women's feet you secretly take on the DART every morning with your state of the art mobile phone. C) Henry's tapes.

Q10 (bonus point question) Would you..?
A)"Hell, why not!"
B) "It really depends on the earning potential."
C) "I would yeah!"

Thank you for your time. As the re-education commitee is considering strike action (due to not paid enough to do all the correcting as well as setting the questions) we'll let ye do the corrections yerselves. Let us know if anything pops up:

Mostly A's:
You are American. We don't hold this against you as such, but your overly positive attitude may not fit into our cheefully misanthropic utopia. Do not despair however, as an intensive course of standing in the pissing rain watching junior hurling, followed by lock-ins at the city's darkest, smokiest hostelries, should soon knock the can-do out of you!

Mostly B's
:Oh dear, you're a problem case aren't you? I'm afraid there's no place for your sort around here. Better off to stay in The Pale where you are now (although we suspect you're not actually from there, are ya?) Still though, congratulations on knowing an awful lot about Kraftwerk. Weirdo.

Mostly C's:
Dowtcha Boy! Born within the sound of Shandon bells, Corkness runs through you like the eight pints of Beamish you consume most nights.
The spirit of Frank O' Connor, Christy Ring and Cha and Miah must have entered you before you were even born.

If you already live in Cork, we urge you to find a similarly Corkified mate and start building your own little army of John Pauls and Binas without delay.
If you do not live in the PRC, please contact us so we can arrange to have you airllifted to your home by the Lee immediately.