DigiConJob: A business conference about setting up your own bullshit business conference
Come on down to DigiConjob where you can learn how to organise your own business conference where you charge naïve punters outrageous sums to listen to speakers who have achieved questionable business success!
At DigiConJob we have selected the cream of Ireland’s big mouths and talk circuit journeymen to tell you how to setup your own conference:
Successfully updating his linkedin account regularly and counting Mark Zuckerberg among his Facebook friends has brought digital marketing expert Cyril Millenium to the forefront of Irish digital business expertise over the last 1-2 years.
He came to prominence in the tech world when he discovered that reporting a massive financial loss to concerned investors can be covered up nicely if you have enough followers on Instagram and BubbleVibe (what do you mean you don’t ‘bubble’?! You really need to get to DigiConjob!).
Cyril will deliver a keynote speech entitled ‘How you can still continue to pay yourself a ludicrous salary while haemorrhaging your investors’ funds?’. And yes, we know that didn’t need a question mark but hey, we do things differently here at DigiConJob.
Joey Mumbo Jumbo
No conference is complete without a pod of self-proclaimed social media experts wearing thick framed glasses that are too big for their heads and DigiConCon will be no different. Topping the bill as our social media keynote speaker Joey has been waffling into microphone headsets about S.E.O. for over six months but has forgotten what the acronym actually stands for.
Admittedly we are using the term ‘expert’ for anyone who knows something that someone else doesn’t but hey, if they have a few hundred followers on Snapchat and once had a latté with a guy who used to deliver lunches to Uber’s offices in Silicon Valley then they’ll be easily able to pad out a thirty minute slot with their mumbo jumbo.
Sarah Jane Sarah
Successfully changing her surname to her first name mirrors Sarah’s patent-pending “outside-the-box” thinking – a brand new concept that is changing the face of marketing in Ireland. A “website curator” and acclaimed blogger she has been described as “Ireland’s Sheryl Sandberg” by the influential blog sarahjanesarah.ie and has recently launched her own lifestyle brand. She also invented downloading Wordpress.
‘Tossy’ is best known for his appearance on Sunday morning radio business shows hosted by someone who was on the telly twice in 2002. He once achieved ‘growth and scale’ through something called ‘innovative digital solutions’.
Despite being in his mid-forties his linkedin profile only begins two years ago and doesn’t mention the eight businesses he ran into the ground or why he suddenly fled to the Cayman Islands in 1998.
As Ireland’s latest cutting edge digi conference we have decided that it might be cool to give software its own say in how the country progresses by hiring people with actual technical qualifications.
When a tricky question is asked one of the coders will reply with a joke about how he will have to think about it and ‘callback’. Only the nerds laugh. This will make you feel like you need to learn more and make our ludicrous ticket price seem slightly less offensive.
This overweight slob has been putting small gigs for over forty years but as he has had racked up more failures than the TV3 programming schedule.
We avoid the word ‘success’ carefully in his blurb and are pitching him as one of Ireland’s “most respected music industry stalwarts”. Although we’re not sure who actually respects this pot smoking blunderbuss who dresses like he’s 19 and is more slippery than a duck in the Atlantic Pond, he will issue advice to anyone who’ll listen with an astonishing air of authority.
Every business conference needs a retired provincial rugby player who can make analogies between the travails of running a business and being sat on by an 18 stone oaf every weekend to make a living.
We will give this mysterious speaker a few safe one line gags about golfing to drop into his speech that conference attendees in their early sixties will get without even having to turn up their hearing aids.
And as we don’t want tickets to sell out too quickly we’ve decided to not announce his name just yet – not because we can only afford some fella who played for Sunday’s Well B team that nobody’s heard of.
So go online now with your company credit card and grab a ticket for DigiConjob 2017. And remember if you can’t afford to come then most attendees will just spend the whole conference posting everything that was said on twitter anyway!
No sleeping in tents, no worries about the weather, your car won't get stuck in the mud and best of all you don't even have to leave Cork...